Entry Fifty Seven: Faithful

Since school began, these weeks have been a real faith tester. At first I was fearful of getting horribly hard professors that try to pound me into oblivion. Then I was afraid I wouldn't make friends. Then I was questioning well, the whole purpose/existence of life, and God. I knew I needed a helper. To my surprise the Lord was faithful. I was so afraid of failing, of collapsing into depression, of being overwhelmed by the enemy. I thought my anguish and want would be ignored or patched up for another day. But then He actually pulled me one! For about a week I got a helper! She was for comfort, affirmation, for testing, and for teaching. The experience was fascinating in ways, well, that I am sort of embarrassed to express. I learned so much about myself, about what I am actually capable of, I was built up with so much confidence. I learned what I really want in someone, and what I need to look for.

Right now I am just going to have to remain faithful I suppose. Dang, is it really hard though! Almost everyone who is around me on a consistant basis, remains involved in a relationship. I sense that in the near future most my friends will be getting married too. Its not a bad thing they are getting married, but it does bring about pain and frustration, in the fact I will not be experiencing the same thing as they will. Its a feeling of being left behind, forgotten, and not worthy of the same sort of gift they have now, and even bigger gifts they will receive later. I ask God "Please Lord, I dont want to be alone my whole life, I dont want to be alone until im 25 or 26. There are 13 year olds who are involved in relationships 14 year olds and 18 year olds, people of all ages. Probably not good relationships, but they still have that helper, that comfort, that affirmation, that reciprocated fascination over each other. Something I dont! There is so much fear God, I fear for being alone".

I pray this way at least once or twice a week, its sort of ridiculous. I feel this way so often. I cant just say "Well I was born this way", or "Well im not smart enough", or "Well I am not educated enough", or "Well I am not spiritual enough", which are things I told myself when much younger. What I mean is, there is no "excuse", or Bs I can slap on myself to make me feel better, about the fact I do not have a girl friend. However, what I hoped to be true, has been affirmed that it is true. I know I am perfectly capable of handling a relationship, in fact I know that I would probably do better in a relationship then most of my friends who are in one now. For that reason the whole thing is so much worse. I just dont understand, I dont understnd God, at all, and its so frustrating.

Sometimes I cant tell who's dishing me lies, God or Satan. Does God knock down your confidence so you can go full circle and regain it through some sort of intervention on His own behalf? Perhaps, but I highly doubt it. That question or thought was probably form the devil, and I believe that most of what I know to be true is from God, and it must be thwarted from the Devil. Everything I know about myself and I believe about myself, which is - I think I am very smart, I am attractive, I am funny, and I am capable of all things under God, are al true. I never really had a chance to believe these things, as if they were real. They are always being bombarded and nuked with lies! But for the first time in so long I cant even remember, the smoke finally settled just enough to where I could see clearly. I could visually see the truth!

I shouldn't be finding myself in situations which tell me otherwise. I must cling onto the truth! I may find myself in a situation where someone has more of something then I currently do, but I know that God is bigger, and I know that whenever I find someone like that, I can be just like them if not better, with faith. I have the power through God to change circumstance and to overcome obstacles and challenges which hinder me from reaching what is/been granted already - the kingdom of heaven.