Entry Sixty One: Many Things To Say

I feel a little stupid for not keeping up with this blog, for some reason blogging has been put on the back of my priority list. There is so much to to say and explain since the last post. Summer is long gone and now i'm close to finishing my first semester back at school, the information gap is huge. Perhaps trying to summarize chronologically would be best...  let me just start by saying this year's been phenomenal, even with its bumps and pains, I dare say its been magical in some ways.

As I mentioned in my last post, summer was fantastic, all my plans happened to roll out as I hoped they would, I found a job, and I was blessed by working as a summer camp counselor. The learning experience was unexplainable, there were days when I thought my sanity would be lost but then many moments where all the tribulations were well worth it. For example, I had kids during teen week who didn't want to open up, participate, or even talk to each other. At first I was frustrated and a little annoyed, but I didn't know, I didn't know that one of them had been in foster care since he was three, moving a total of 21 times, and 4 times in one year. All he wanted was to stay in one place, have a foundation, make friends, and no longer fear that he would be plucked up and moved again for unknown reasons. I didn't know one of my kids had a dad in jail, feared he was becoming like his father, and feared God would abandon him. This teen wanted to make enough money so that one day he could provide everything for his mom and sister, which told me he is nothing like his father, and I was able to assure him. I didn't know I had a kid who had spent most of his life in foster care because his mother was addicted to drugs and his father was abusive. I didn't know I had a kid who's family immigrated from Mexico and feels out of place, who just wants his parents to be more reasonable and adapt to the culture, such as not buy him tools and work items for Christmas. I was blessed to hear their life stories as each of them asked for prayer during dedication night. Even after camp commitment we stayed up till 12:00 talking in the bunk house and getting to know each other  We talked about parents  family, pasts, friends, favorite foods, cars, dreams, favorite movies, and DaJa-Vu. 

During summer I was also to see my cousin Megan Woods get married. It was a very emotional event, as during the wedding my head was bombarded with flashes of memory. Being close in age, when we were kids, our parents made us do practically everything together - including baths. When I looked back and saw how far she had come, how old she had gotten, it was just amazing. It sure made me feel old, and it made me really think about my life. It was actually a very difficult, because I felt awfully displaced. While I was up at my uncles house for that weekend, I also noticed they painted and redecorated, which was another large shock, because in that house I had a plethora of good memories, many of them came about before my parents divorce. So, I guess, the easiest thing to say, is it was wonderful but also hard having to experience so many changes in one short period of time. It was so encompassing that I felt a sense of magic in the air. Experiencing so much in such a short period of time caused me to feel things I have never really felt before, see things I never saw before, such as entirely new level of appreciation for whats around me. I appreciated my family so much, I appreciated the harmony I felt being around them. I appreciated the beauty that was in my uncles back yard, I appreciated the cool breeze in the air, the smell of good food, and the sound of upbeat music. The entire atmosphere was just divine. I think, if I had to choose to re-live something for the rest of my life it would be that weekend. My cousins are the closest thing I have to siblings, and my uncle's and aunt's are the closest thing I have to God honoring and relational mentors. I love all of them so much!

After leaving camp I had the rest of the summer to Enjoy. Megan's wedding was just one miraculous event, I was also blessed to spend time with my uncle and aunt up at shaver lake. I spent about 4-5 days at their cabin, and it was so relaxing. It was the third year of me being able to go up with them on vacation  Looking back I feel as if God spoiled me, giving me so much wonder and joy in just one summer. Being able to wake up and look out their back window to the view of endless mountains, a giant valley, and beautiful trees was just breath taking. I felt the presence of God at that cabin and it was so comforting. It was also nice spending time with my cousins, playing video games, catching up a little bit, but most of all, just being able to be idle and rest. However, we also went out to the lake a couple times and that was amazing too. My uncle rented jet skies and we rode around for a couple hours one day, then the next day most of our time was just spent sun bathing and relaxing. I felt so privileged and so blessed. I truly believe, without family, I would never be able to experience such joy and happiness,  or be able to experience such peace. When I see my family its as if time turns back, and I find my roots again, I realize who I am, and where I come from. I remember what the values of my heart are, the morals of my heritage, and the character of my grandparents as it continues to be lived out in my uncle and aunt. Driving home from these vacations is always the most difficult, but the also the time I feel closest to God. I am given such a load of joy to carry and reflect on. In fact, now that I think of it Anytime I go up north to see family and come back, its as if the Lord is bringing to a really new place. 

School started shortly after returning form my uncles cabin, and I have been in it ever since. It's my third year here at APU, which is something I never truly expected. Truly, I expected to fail, because my entire academic career up until Azusa Pacific University was something that told me I was a failure. Yet, now that I am finishing up with my first semester of this third year. Sure, I had a couple bumps along the way, as I dropped out of my German class thinking it wouldn't be survivable, worrying all the time I spent on it would hinder me in other classes, but now I question whether or not that was the wisest of ideas. I also went through midterms week and got some pretty bad results back, which made me panic further, but now I feel alright. This past weekend I had to go up North again, because my Uncle David passed away, it was a break from the chaos down here, but it also brought about a new kind of chaos, one that I needed. The Lord really rocked my world, I was thrown into a emotional roller coaster, but it was a good one. Like Megan's wedding, it made me think about life. It made me appreciate my family, appreciate my uncle's and aunt's. It also made me truly value my grandma, and think about what it would be like if she were gone. This in turn made me miss my grandpa, which was the hardest thing to think about and endure.  It made me think about where I was spiritually, where my heart was investing itself, and it made me draw closer to God. When I returned from the trip I spent the night at my grandmas, on the couch I grew up sleeping on.

I laid on that couch for a couple hours reflecting on the hundreds of other times I spent the night at my grandmas house. I could even remember the times when I was afraid of the dark. While laying down, while lost in thoughts and memories, I had moments of crying, moments of pleading with God, moments when everything just fell out flopping all over the place. My heart was on that couch just sitting there, open, and vulnerable, pleading to God, pleading over silly things and over huge things. Some of it was wishing for a different life, thinking about my past, and then some of it was appreciating what I had and thanking God for his mercy and Grace. It was a place, and a thing, and a experience that hasn't happened in far too long. I really haven't had much to complain about, I haven't had too much to worry about, nothing other then school, and as a result I haven't spent as much time with my heart out on the floor with God. While being in school its been hard going to church, its been hard keeping connected with friends who spiritually grow me, yet, God has remained my God. It has been much easier for me to speak with and worship Him, I just wish it was more consistent  It seems that being on my third year here, God has become my best friend, my source of comfort and affirmation, and I have dropped the idea of getting these things from people. Yet, my life doesn't revolve around God in the same way it used to a couple years ago, and it worries me. Should it worry me? I think the best thing to do at this point is continue pushing on. I trust God

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Entry Sixty One: Reflecting On The Past And Kingdom Come.

Like always it's been awhile since I last blogged, similarly so much has happened in such a short time. In my last post I mentioned summer plans and all of those plans somehow managed to take place. Some occurred as expected, awhile others played out with more reward then I could have imagined on my own. My choir tour went very well, but there were some unexpected events and surprises along the way. On the first day of tour my director was bitten by a dog, then on our journey to San Francisco we hit a literal bump on the road and I was flung into the window, where my butt almost shattered it. Last but not least, awhile we traveled through Washington our bus broke down. Everyone also happened to be more disconnected and tired then in the previous summer. Friendships seemed to be a little more difficult to form and hold together. For many of us I think it was a very tiering experience, not because of what had perhaps happened or not happened but more because of our insane schedule. On our "Rest Day" it took us almost 4 hours to get to the destination we were supposed to "Hang Out" at, yet we only had an hour to relax before moving out for another 5 hours on the bus getting to our next destination. Needless to say, it was all still a good experience, it was still so much fun and more of a blessing then I could have ever asked for. Sitting at Star Bucks and thinking about the whole thing, remembering it happened only two months ago makes it feel surreal, as if it were just a dream. Especially when I think about the summer before, when we all traveled on the East Coast.

Speaking of summers past, I have so many blessing to count! Such as finding a good church and developing friendships that happened to build me up in tremendous ways! Four years ago I stepped into the walls of my current church and I have followed its journey just as it has followed my own. To see the community and individuals spread out and grow up, move around, and shift their lives just adds to the overwhelming sense of wonder. People I met at the beginning are going to seminary, or getting married, or starting their careers! Seeing it all develop has been a privileged glimpse of Gods handy work. To also embrace the fact I was accepted into a real University along with peers was at first a jolt! The opportunities and tremendous life change APU has provided me would take pages to explain. However, to mention a few... now I have friends! I have confidence, empowerment, and I am in a choir that grants me access to travel without charge. Last semester my career in the political field started to take off thanks to our academic advising department and some connections, which has made planning for the future a less daunting task. Examining these time spans in my head has provided confidence in myself and a great deal of security for whatever shows up. Not to say that any time span has been a total breeze, each reward also came with its difficulties, its disappointments, and its pain. Though these small things in comparison cannot mask the spectacular whole that continues to unravel each day.

Today I feel stunned by how fast time fly's past us. Earlier I was hanging out with a friend that reminded me of my growing age, which actually sparked this whole thought process and my urge to blog. Awhile sitting at lunch with him it dawned on me that we had been friends for eight years! We first started hanging out freshman year of high school! After pondering that fact in bewilderment... a flood of memories started rushing in, like old friends we also used to hang out with and the things we used to do with them. I remembered all the stupid things I did awhile I was in La Canada, like wandering around bored past curfew with friends, smoking cigars, playing the occasional beer pong. Then I also remembered the simple things, like grabbing pizza, going to the movies, swimming in the pool, sitting and watching the fire of 09 burn in the foothills. I remembered some of the birthday parties I attended, like Rachel's and Brandon's. All the good adventures I had also came to mind - like the Air Soft games down in the park, behind the trail under the bridge, and under the power lines. I also recalled some of the hikes and places we used to explore. To now sit here at star bucks and digest it, see all the changes sitting right in front of my face, the friends who have left or the ones I had to leave behind... the emotional density seems almost divine. Im blown away by the quantity of experience, things I have walked past, seen, touched, smelled, cried over, loved, hated, and crammed into my life. To arrive where I am at today leaves me somewhat speechless, because life still has not ended yet.

Today I am now a camp counselor at Pine Summit, a Salvation Army Camp, which makes so much of my past seem so foreign and even removed. The positive aspects are all empowered awhile the negatives continue to fade. However, it's not because something so horrible happened that I felt incapable of being a camp counselor, actually I had just never anticipated being a camp counselor, never anticipated I would be here in summer 2013 enjoying life and walking with the Lord so closely. Being at camp has been a period of revelation, I have discovered so much about myself that I never thought existed. Awhile up the mountain I feel like a totally different person, my spirit can breath, I am profoundly confident, easily excitable, actually clever, and full of witty remarks for things to appreciate. Being up the mountain and so strangely far from everything I can relate to my normal life makes looking forward so easy, where before the future was always fogged and to be worried about. That is my biggest revelation of all. Being up the mountain has allowed me to raise above the smog line of my life, I can see the beautiful possibilities awaiting for me in the future, because I can better appreciate all that has happened in my past, the good and the bad, all of it. I can see myself graduating college, I can imagine the different roads the Lord has placed in front of me and I am not afraid to believe in them. Whatever I do and commit to the Lord, he will establish my plans. The Kings Kingdom shall come.

Entry Sixty: The Second Year Done

This semester I declared my major as political science and also got an internship with a California State Assemblyman. I loved working at the assembly office, I loved the culture, I loved being held responsible for things that create an impact. Its unfortunate I am unable to say the same thing about Church, because church is where life changing stuff happens or should happen. I can tolerate bureaucracy from a secular world because it is secular. It is none negotiable to tolerate political bureaucracy from a world of so called "christ followers". On the other hand I cant be frustrated at the church if the church is not what lead me to where I am now. Giving them this much power ousts God. I suppose I should be taking this rejection as a sign for something to do with my future, with my career, and where God plans to have me live life. If politics is where I am really supposed to land long term then I wont complain. I will trust God and put all my passion into perusing what he has in store for me.

It's been a different season to say the least. My classes have been stressful, and I have been very lonely.  Having my spiritual life close to shambles has proven to be an extremely difficult test. I have become distant with many of the guys in my choir group because I don't feel the Lord near by, he has become hard to sense and I cant see exactly why. However, I do have my suspicions, my Romans and Galatians class really morphed the bible into a textbook rather then spiritual guide. Its become dry as dirt, every passage I open up and read I think of the historical context, or the context according to the authors standpoint and personality. I cant look at anything like it was before, now, in order to read and gather meaning out of it I subconsciously have to think about history. Thankfully it's my last bible class, and I can move back to reading scripture with the spirit at my side. I can start taking objective standpoints from my own view and accept what I read. Hopefully in time my Bible will come alive.

Now that my finals are over I can begin thinking about summer, which has some amazing blessings in store. My Choir tour leaves in exactly two more days! We will be going up the West coast this year by bus. Our schedule will get us through San Francisco, to Oregon, and Washington State. Then we drive back to California hitting up the capital in Sacramento. I am so excited! This will be the time where I can re-invest into my friends, where I will be able to smile again and laugh. I know it wont be exactly like last year, but I am excited about that too. This year our group is smaller, its more intimate, and it has a lot less of an ego. Harold also has his PHD now, which has everyone amped up to sing proud! There is going to be a ton of good bonding and brotherhood too, which is what I am stoked about the most. The bus rides are going to be filled with games, sleeping, and deep conversations. I also plan to bring my good camera this year, so I can take more pictures and capture all those special moments.

It will be a different summer though after returning. I wont be able to hang out with any of my old friends, or attend church again, which I hoped to do after school let out. I was accepted to be a camp counselor for the Salvation Army at Pine Summit. Thankfully, I wont be alone or bored! It is such a huge blessing and I am so unexplainably excited! It will be the first time I work extensively with American kids, which are much different then African or Indian children. To be in a christian environment, working with younglings, in nature, what more could I possibly ask? God has continued to provide for me, work with me, and listen to my requests and needs even in this season of dryness and frustration. Christ is still standing right by my side, and I am still under his wing, still in awe by his provision and grace. Whom then shall I fear? I will continue pressing on, moving past obstacles, and maturing into the man that God has made me to be. I will never let go of my faith in the Lord.

Entry Fifty Nine: With Questions, Quarrels, and Faith.

This is a short review of my second semester at school, which until recently was a rough road. Its had some downs, some hardships, but now that the semester is over and things are picking up. I can think back and reflect on what has happened the past couple years. Two years ago I wanted to start a bible study and time after time I got rejected. I wanted to start a service group and time after time I either got rejected from the Church or it just didn't work out.

The first time I casually sat down for an interview with my college pastor: "So Tyler why do you want to start a bible study?" he asked. I thought it was a strange question, as if illogically somehow my motives were corrupt or skewed. So instead of barking back I politely gave him every good answer I could possibly think of, which followed my true convictions. Our conversation ended with me sitting quietly and being politically smothered with excuses. I walked away baffled by the reasoning. Others then said I wasn't a good enough speaker, I wasn't a  born "leader". It definitely didn't make any sense, because according to my Bible Christ's first four apostles were all fisherman, Mosses had a speech impediment, Joanna was a coward by nature, and other Bible characters were either prideful, ill guided, or actually sexually sterile, and yet God used them too. From my point of view, speaking out of humility, at times I can fit almost all of those descriptions haha. I mean really, who here is perfect?

I tried other attempts to form this service group and a couple times we had successful outcomes. Recently me and a group of friends went down to Los Angeles to do service. We passed out goodie bags with food, water, hygiene kits, and a couple blankets. We also prayed for the homeless and spoke with them to hear their life stories. It was amazing! I even got the chance to lead a few prayers and some of the others did too, it was wonderful! But unfortunately trying to get this movement going has been difficult, because it's not like a church where you can walk in and fetch people from a crowd of three thousand. My next idea was to go to my school and get involved with a program called Discipleship ministries, which is basically a bible study you have free-reign over. You creatively lead and love. I was assigned four guys to start with and after sending an email out to see what day works best, two never replied, and two replied saying their schedules were no longer open.

I recently dropped out of my old life group due to incompatibility and allow me to explain. I am a doer just as most men are. I know I need to also be a "being" as my choir director often says; "God is a "Being" and we are human "beings" we are not called human 'doings' ". But I like "doing" and I think if more people started "doing" things for Christ then we may have better world. Anyway, my old group talked about how important things were to do without every doing them. We read a lot and had a plethora of group decisions on various topics. Although such practices are vital to spiritual growth, they cant be the sole thing you focus on. How are you challenging the group if reading is all you challenge them with, how are you furthering your community or loving you neighbor? A perfect example of what I am saying happened in 2011. We were watching a video on Francis Chan about how the American Church is often an idle thing. His main point was that we do not focus on service as much as we should, that in order to be a real Christian we have to get out of our little comfy Cul-De-Sac's and hug those in need, feed them, cloth them, or at least speak with them. Now, do you know what we did after the video ended? Guess. Yep, we sat and talked about it. I was infuriated. So in sum I left because its 2013 and we were still the same.

I am so crushed, destroyed, and fed up with the laziness. I am so fed up with legalistic Christianity. Not with God. Not with Christ. I am disgusted by this crazy human standardized construct we have managed to keep remodeling as if it's a theme park attraction. One that still comfortably sits around doing squat. The very system Jesus came to destroy, it kept the favored in power and ill favored oppressed. Would the church ever ask a prostitute to write a worship song if shee was just beginning to take the first steps towards learning Christ's real love? Probabbly not, they would wait until this prostitute was a full convert or exemplified some kind of undoubtable trust. Would the Church ever ask a man who is willing to lead a bible study to lead a bible study if he had no leadership experience? Probably not, not until it was observed that he is a good example of what the church wants to market towards its congregation. You're only asked if you fit within the religious mannerism and spiritual practicums demanded on everyone else, who, for the most part does a horrible job of keeping them. Those who have good intentions paired with a strong faith or those with an openness to learn and grow are often ignored or somehow marginalized. Then they are left to write out their frustrations on a blog or personal journal.