Entry Twenty Five: Touring San Diego Christian College

Today I set out on a venture to San Diego Christian College, to better understand gods great plan. The drive down was like a vacation, so refreshing. I was at first nervous, because I was only able to put in a half tank of gas. But those feelings faded after passing the nuclear plant and seeing I still had enough to get back.

Now, I have been interested in aviation for over two years, and I still feel that is my calling. I still wish to pursue it, but, there is doubt. I can not be %100 sure until the doors actually start to open. This venture was a small step, and for the most part it has been joyful. The school is a great size, and everyone here seems nice, but most important, it has the degree I want.

I need to see this door fully open. The question "what if" wont leave me alone. I feel like, I should go into ministry, because it would be the "right" thing to do. Then again, then again, this reminds me of something I read in CSL's Screw tape letters. ("You should always try to make the patient abandon the people or foods or books he really likes in favor of the "best" people, the "right" food, the "important" books.)

From what I have seen, Its a great place for me to get my Masters degree or, my bachelors degree (in aviation administration). But I am stuck with another great option. Azusa Pacific University, which is by the way, a free ride. But San Diego is where my passion and degree truly lays. Free ride, or degree I want... hmmmm

My mother thinks I could pull off both, I could transfer my ED classes from APU to San Diego and finish here, which so far looks like the plan. I am just tired of delays.... I would rather be doing, then thinking of what to do.

Decisions decisions... I will have to see what tomorrow brings, and then think about it more. I should probably pray too...

Entry Twenty Four: Have to remember everyone has struggles

Tonight my eyes have been moved back to reality. For the past couple of weeks, for awhile now, I have been dwelling within my own problems and mind, not considering others have them too.

I have noticed it happens when I think of people who are in the church, especially those raised in church from birth. For some strange reason I sometimes, tend to... glance past the obvious fact, "everyone" has problems. I sometimes, tend to categorize these people in a separate column marked problem free.

I always agree with the idea, that I am, the only one who is "this" lonely, the only one with "these" father issues, the only one whose parents went through "that" divorce, somehow creating a column for myself.

There is something seriously wrong with that, and I am very glad it has been brought to my attention. I need to remember that everyone has struggles.

Entry Twenty Three: CCV Baptism.

Everyone, if they will admit it or not, have specific reactions to church. Especially when they are new to the idea of church, or are coming back to it (because lets be honest, culture shock exists stronger there then anywhere else. Which is of course expected when you take part in a vast reign of people and some of there problems).

I have specific emotions that deep down, I can always expect to arise. I walk in with fear and shame - expecting comfort, humility - hoping for enlightenment, then finally guilt - from all the supposedly rotten things I have done. For me, probably like others, there are periods when these feelings elevate and dissipate.

For me the worst time comes when they bring out the little pool for people who have not been baptized and for those who feel the need to be re-baptized. Each time they do this, that last emotion just goes crazy. And each time I have to tug at its leach, tell myself I already did it.

I have been baptized by my grandpa a few times, first when I was a baby, then again at 9 when I made the decision to follow christ. Then again at my fathers church when I turned 19 - when I came back to christ. Each time a little peace of me died, but it was always a peace of me that I never wanted to begin with. Of course after doing all this, I buried myself with the idea, the assumption that I was clean, and no longer needed baptism.

But tonight that assumption was challenged, much harder, then it ever was before. When they announced the pool, the guilt began to pour in, but this time he tugged. It was confusing at first because he never did before, I tried reasoning with myself, and him, but it didn't work. He just continued tugging for reasons I did not yet... understand.

My guilt and confusion soon vanished, and anger replaced it. But instead of running away from a battle I knew I wasn't able to win, I flung my arms up and ran towards the source, apart of me kicking and screaming the whole way down.

My inner voice was swearing, and clawing at my subconscious, "sonofabitch, damnit god, I already did this, what more do you want?". That, that is the interesting part, and the point as to why I am writing this, I finally see - there was a tremendous amount of self pride. Another thing that needed to die, thankfully it continues to do so.

Entry Twenty Two: Realizing the spiritual.

When driving home today, from Acton, I couldn't help but notice my peripheral vision zoning out. In the distance, I observed the mountains moving away and everything in front of me disappearing behind. The trees were whipping past, and the traffic zipping on in the opposite direction... but, it was odd.

Finally though, my arrival home appeared in the windshield, I was very relived to be there. Getting out of my car I walked around breathing in the fresh polluted air of Los Angeles, opened the front door, climbed the stairs to my room, and sat at my desk for just a few moments. The stress of everything behind me began to unload. Then ironically, I needed to use the restroom.

I charged to the hallway, but then decided to bring a book along, (Ill be transparent for a moment), wearing boxers I ran downstairs, barefoot in the garage, and grabbed the book from my car. I was working my way through the ScrewTape letters By CSL over the weekend, determined to finish letter fourteen.

The deed was done and I moved onto my shower, blasting some gospel music in the process. Being in the desert for two days can actually cause quiet a lot of grime to build up, even in a house, who knew. Shaving was nice too, my beard was beginning to grow out. After stepping out and actually really realizing where I was... something even more bazar happened.

Time just stopped, I realized in that moment, standing in my room drying off, a sort of peace I haven't felt in awhile. I experienced a giant flash of reality, like someone slamming a hammer over my head. But it amounted to a small little truth, a gentle voice, "Time goes on". Strange I know, because that is of course common sense.

Immediately everything, even as I continue to type now, is clear. It appears, these past two days were a manifestation of spiritual process, where I spiritually was and am now. The awareness of things able to pass, coming out of a desert, the stress of life being melted away, washing clean of grime, and finally drying off in the presence of gospel.

I cant explain this experience, Im sure it will be hard for anyone to understand. I guess an easier way of looking at it, would be two days of complicated Deja Vu. Its amazing how the biological being and my spiritual can be so parallel, perceived that way with immense clarity. I must have become so caught up with my troubles and disappointments - of the past, that I was blinded to the fact there is still a future.

He illustrated where I was, in the world around me, holding my hand and pushing me through. Just last friday, I was so worried and caught up with "myself", where "I" was going to be in 5 years. Another thing dawns upon me now - "I" don't really need to care/worry about "me". As long as I can remember, it has never actually been "me" heaving on, that brought "me", places. It has been the support of my parents, the love of my friends and my family, but most of all god.

I laugh now... at my own selfishness and stupidity.

My last thought...
continually curious is this journey I am on.

Entry Twenty One: A sad sight.

The request for help which I have been so desperately wanting, finally came. Today I was called out to go over and speak with a distressed, good hearted, old friend (Bobbi). She was troubled and going through quiet a lot.

I went over and we spoke at the kitchen table, she vented and I tried my best to listen. Looking back now, tonight, I failed horribly, I could have done so much more, I could have hugged her, cried with her, or at least been in some way more open. I damn the fact that I am so shy, and so afraid, such a coward.

What frustrates me more though, is this. We went over to see a good old friend (Jeremy Kats), someone I haven't seen sense high school, great and brilliant guy as I found out tonight. He probed a little deeper, with only a small amount of my assistance, together we found things that I never nor he ever could have assumed. Not horrific things but things which explain how her character and situation has shaped.

I discovered that through all the horrible relationships she has been in, and all the friends she has had, she has never been asked out on a real "date". What I mean by date is the classical sense, going out to a nice restaurant, or romantic movie. Being shown that she is worth something more then Fast food or casual company. It made my heart drop because it explains so much, and because I could have been that someone to fix it.

I desperately need more courage.