Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Entry Fifty Eight: Thankful Before Thanksgiving.



I recall that last time I wrote, things were not full of rejoicing. Today I write once again pondering about everything which has changed, who I was so long ago, who I was just a year ago, to who I was last time I wrote. I am very thankful for the continuous tinkering, twisting, smashing, revisiting, revealing work the Lord does not cease to do. This semester has still remained, overall, absolutely fantastic. It has had some twists and turns, some unfortunate events, it has also had a couple surprises. There were also things I had hoped for which have yet to come true. But past it all graces outweigh whatever is left.

Choir has been the one thing keeping me together, singing, and what little I know about music gives me purpose. I still may have no clear direction with my major or why I am declaring it. Or really any hint to my future career, but I am not apathetic, I have found temporary solace. Where God provided I rest. Music has become more then something I find pleasurable. Although I haven't memorized the scale yet, and don't know how to read into all of theory, it has become apart of who I am. The people who perform it, the notes they sing along with mine, it has brought harmony into the very spirit of my life.

I am also so thankful to be young. At the ripe age of 22 I cant be more blessed with where my story had landed. Going on my second year hear at APU the Lord has blessed me with a continuos journey to his Kingdom taking one step at a time.  Revisiting old questions, raising new ones, bringing closure to the past, and opening doors to the future. This school has been a unbreakable ledger that will hold who I am, to what I will become, to where I will go. Being a Christian school, full of people who are blessed to be here, full of people who are on a similar journey, its a place I want to guide me to where destiny unlocks.

I will continue to dream, continue to hope, continue to pray, and work hard. I will place my knuckles on my chin overlooking homework until the day of graduation. I will as always continue to write when time permits me or vice versa. I will continue to thank God for what he provides. I will look to focus on what is positive, I will strive to do what is right. I will find affirmation in Christ for who I am, and will not perform in false identities for others as so many are lost to do today. Where foreground lays, where the spirit leads, I will go. These next two semesters will be very rough, will be testing; God is my strength.

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If God parted the sea for Moses how much more could he do for a weird fella like me! He can do whatever he wills. If I have Faith, if I have hope, if I have love, if I seek a relationship with Him, He will clear the way for me as he did Moses. I know this because he has done it in the past, did it in the past for the Israelites, will do it again for me. He will not abandon me, if I do not give up on myself or run away from Him. Where ever I am weak he will make me strong if I trust and have faith in the Lord.

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Words of personal affirmation to remember in hard times: Where the world is perhaps falling apart I will inevitably be fighting in its midst. Where I know there will be testing, where I am given vision to see the testimonies and problems ahead, I will trust, I will rely on the Lord. Where there is peace there is rest for war, bravery for reproof, reproof for honor. Honor for a smile on the face of God. Where there is doubt or fear I have my daggers of truth - Psalm 23:4, Philippians 4:8, Mark 3:25.


Thursday, October 4, 2012

Entry Fifty Seven: Faithful

Since school began, these weeks have been a real faith tester. At first I was fearful of getting horribly hard professors that try to pound me into oblivion. Then I was afraid I wouldn't make friends. Then I was questioning well, the whole purpose/existence of life, and God. I knew I needed a helper. To my surprise the Lord was faithful. I was so afraid of failing, of collapsing into depression, of being overwhelmed by the enemy. I thought my anguish and want would be ignored or patched up for another day. But then He actually pulled me one! For about a week I got a helper! She was for comfort, affirmation, for testing, and for teaching. The experience was fascinating in ways, well, that I am sort of embarrassed to express. I learned so much about myself, about what I am actually capable of, I was built up with so much confidence. I learned what I really want in someone, and what I need to look for.

Right now I am just going to have to remain faithful I suppose. Dang, is it really hard though! Almost everyone who is around me on a consistant basis, remains involved in a relationship. I sense that in the near future most my friends will be getting married too. Its not a bad thing they are getting married, but it does bring about pain and frustration, in the fact I will not be experiencing the same thing as they will. Its a feeling of being left behind, forgotten, and not worthy of the same sort of gift they have now, and even bigger gifts they will receive later. I ask God "Please Lord, I dont want to be alone my whole life, I dont want to be alone until im 25 or 26. There are 13 year olds who are involved in relationships 14 year olds and 18 year olds, people of all ages. Probably not good relationships, but they still have that helper, that comfort, that affirmation, that reciprocated fascination over each other. Something I dont! There is so much fear God, I fear for being alone".

I pray this way at least once or twice a week, its sort of ridiculous. I feel this way so often. I cant just say "Well I was born this way", or "Well im not smart enough", or "Well I am not educated enough", or "Well I am not spiritual enough", which are things I told myself when much younger. What I mean is, there is no "excuse", or Bs I can slap on myself to make me feel better, about the fact I do not have a girl friend. However, what I hoped to be true, has been affirmed that it is true. I know I am perfectly capable of handling a relationship, in fact I know that I would probably do better in a relationship then most of my friends who are in one now. For that reason the whole thing is so much worse. I just dont understand, I dont understnd God, at all, and its so frustrating.

Sometimes I cant tell who's dishing me lies, God or Satan. Does God knock down your confidence so you can go full circle and regain it through some sort of intervention on His own behalf? Perhaps, but I highly doubt it. That question or thought was probably form the devil, and I believe that most of what I know to be true is from God, and it must be thwarted from the Devil. Everything I know about myself and I believe about myself, which is - I think I am very smart, I am attractive, I am funny, and I am capable of all things under God, are al true. I never really had a chance to believe these things, as if they were real. They are always being bombarded and nuked with lies! But for the first time in so long I cant even remember, the smoke finally settled just enough to where I could see clearly. I could visually see the truth!

I shouldn't be finding myself in situations which tell me otherwise. I must cling onto the truth! I may find myself in a situation where someone has more of something then I currently do, but I know that God is bigger, and I know that whenever I find someone like that, I can be just like them if not better, with faith. I have the power through God to change circumstance and to overcome obstacles and challenges which hinder me from reaching what is/been granted already - the kingdom of heaven.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Entry Fifty Six: Summer over - A New Season.



Where do I begin. Where or how do I say what I want to say. This summer was perhaps the best summer I have ever had in my entire life, it was definitely the busiest. Now though it is over, and things are not what I quiet expected them to be. I sense a great disturbance in my spiritual life, or a chaotic echo of darkness which is slowly approaching. I can almost smell it, its a stench I remember from my past as a sinner. It is the stench of feeling worthless, like a failure. The stench is from the devils breath, made of lies, trying to take me away from God. However I think knowing this it will make me peruse God this semester fervently, more so then I have before. After having gifts rain down on me all summer with experience after experience, and then for all of that to stop with the coming of a new season is just distressful.

Where has it all gone I ask myself every night, and certain times during the day. Where has it all gone? Where has God gone? It looks like a shallow question, but I do not mean that I think God has literally left me. Nor do I believe or think he has left me because these experiences are over, as if the two are linked directly together with some kind of a "high". There is just this none describable place where he has taken a step away from me, not out of harm, but to simply observe, and it makes me very nervous. I cant really pin point what it is, or where it is, it feels so broad. Its like as if I was riding a bike with training wheels with Him closely behind, but now He has stopped following, and is simply watching from afar my little legs peddle off around the block. It is definitely a new season!

I am overwhelmingly thankful for what happened this summer. I am thankful for my choir tour, for my mission trip, for God providing the funds I needed for my mission trip, for the job God gave me before starving to death, and for the time I was able to spend with my family before starting school. I am unconditionally thankful for all the growth and life change these events created in my heart. They all have vanished though, the events have moved to the past tense. All along I was being prepared and blessed, remolded and anointed, all for this perhaps. Being strengthened to face betrayal, aggravation, a longing for emotional and physical intimacy, affirmation, and a general sense of being purely uncomfortable when starting a new season in life. For this is where I really am right now.

This new season is not a horrible place to be in though, its just nerve racking. School started today. I just had my first class about seven hours ago, it went better then I could have anticipated for a philosophy class. The professor seemed to be a little twiggy, but that might not be a bad thing in the long run. When I am tired and its the end of the semester not being challenged may be what I need. I also had my first day of chapel, and it feels good to be back in the natural rhythm of campus life. However, the bands are different, the sound is different in worship, so its just a little strange seeing things not exactly as I left them.

My room mates are awesome though, and I am so excited to have them living with me. We get along together really well so far. All of us communicate well, feel comfortable with each-other, and have quiet a lot in common. I believe we also all think the same way, which is a bonus and something I didn't have last semester! - scientific minded. Its werid being placed in the back of the village though, I sort of feel detached from the rest of campus. Where last year I was in the very front and basically on top of everyone who wandered out of the village for class or any other activity. There really isn't a lot of traffic back here, its nothing like last year, not anymore.

I don't know where God is going to bring me this semester. I sense he is on the move, with me, as darkness and other forces approach. Not depression per say, or anxiety, but a feeling of looseness. As my journey becomes more intense, with more temptations, and more questions - the truth is just harder to hold onto. I believe though that this may provide an excellent opportunity to refine my spiritual walk, and correct any faulty foot work I may normally have when running down a spiritual road. There are some big gaps that need to be filled, and there is still a lot of healing which needs to take place. I am very weary of making the same mistakes I made in the past - in the broad sense, little things, big things, things I just don't want to repeat.

However there is one thing which bothers me that I cant seem to help. I find myself wondering away from Church, actually, running. Before I guess I could say I was wondering, slowly, away. Though that has changed, its a purposeful jog now. I don't like the church, it may be because I don't feel the love, kindness, and most of all - respect I think as a human being I deserve. There seems to be more strife and hypocrisy then there is in my own life, so much its just driving me away. I was squashed my entire childhood, practically all the way until I turned 18, by every single human being inside my general environment. I always knelled, I always gave way, I always turned the other cheek or I ran. I suppose I just can't turn my cheeks any more, its not right or healthy to.

Now it seems I am running again. I don't want to run, I don't like having to run, I don't like being a coward or having to start all over, but what other options do I have? Where? I know that I am supposed to be respected, I know what it feels like and looks like to be respected as I have a few friends who do respect me still, and who are kind to me. I believe even my room mates respect me, as I respect them. Where does God want to take me in all this. These are all questions I believe darkness has cornered me into asking. Perhaps I have just made myself too vulnerable, perhaps I am being too sensitive. One way or another the Lord will guide me through all this, perhaps he will send help, or already has. He will prepare me, sustain me, as always be by my side when I walk into face the darkness and do battle.

Lord where do you want me.

Entry Fifty Five: Zimbabwe


Things have been going so well. My mission team left LAX on time and we enjoyed the flight to Dubai. We traveled on a tricked out Boeing 777-200. They had new screens behind each seat with 1200 channels and 120 movie selections along with games and trivia. There were also some pretty cool lighting effects built into the ceiling of the plane, which were turned on during the night when everyone fell asleep. I was really worried the plane ride would be full full of mindless boredom but I occupied the time with three great movies and some bible reading. I brought books along too but thankfully those weren't needed.

When we arrived in Dubai I was just amazed at how large the airport was. The airports baggage claim room was probably about the same size and height as New York Union Station. Everything was also air conditioned, because the outdoor temperature was 120F. When all of us walked outside the heat hit us like a brick wall. When we reached the exit we waited for a shuttle to take us to the hotel. Our hotel was fairly nice, I believe it was a 4 star. Me and Andrew shared and room, david and adam shared a room, the girls shared a room and Jeff slept by himself.  The hotel was clean, the food was good, and it was so nice being able to shower after such a long plane ride.

After leaving Dubai it was another 10 hour flight to Zimbabwe. We had a small stop about an hour out of Zimbabwe to re-fuel and pick up/drop off some passengers. I was really worried about masquitoes but when we arrived there was almost none. This is nothing like what I have seen on TV. For the most part everyone looks healthy, eats well, and dresses well. I mean for a third world country life looked pretty livable. Although I wasnt able to see much, because we arrived at night. The only thing that really really stood out on the drive to our living space was an odd smell in the air. It only existed near and inside the city. 

We had a great experience spending time with the children inside the village and school we visited and worked at. Home stays were a blast too! For the most part we were all met with happy smiles from everyone we happened to see. Spending time with the people was just such a joy. Seeing their lives be so peaceful, yet so harsh, and so unexplainable different then ours. Painting their class rooms gave them as much confidence, self respect, honor, and ambition as say buying someone here a BMW. I was quiet surprised to see the impact we made at the end of our trip. When we did our debrief a lot of positive feedback was given, even though it didn't feel like we were doing much.

Being home has been strange. Looking at my neihborhood, the perfectly green yards, the beautifully looking painted homes, the crisp black asfault that was just re-poured. The block looks so lovely, and its hard to love it. I learned to enjoy a new culture with people who don't live in the same picture perfect infrastructure. And now, sitting in my room seeing this wonderland looking neighborhood is painful. There is no adventure, the void inside my chest is just becoming larger and larger as the minutes pass. The chills of sleeping in a room with spiders and going into a town with malaria, the thrill of being next to animals which could kill you in seconds.... can not be compared with this place.

Yet, I can not see either world with partiality in mind. Both have their quirks and tales.


Monday, June 25, 2012

Entry Fifty Four: God built a better Summer



In the last two months things have completely turned around in such a marvelous way. In my previous post I spoke about my faith becoming more personal and isolated with no place to pour it out for others. Apart of me felt alone and unwanted, or unable to give my all - use the talents God blessed me with. I questioned weather the Lord was moving me onto a greener pasture, or if I was being uprooted violently like a weed - due to some kind of disobedience. Like in winter my leafs dropped and I felt baron and bored. But soon I was shown summer once again. I believe God decided to intervene after seeing not just me, but all his planets beginning to wilt, something just had to change.

What ended up taking place is this. I continued to prod at different doors, different people, for different places I could get involved in. Unfortunately all the doors were met with rusty hinges - they were not swift to open or be opened. After much frustration and aggravation I just decided to sign up to lead a D-group (discipleship group) at APU. It turned out that this was what the Lord wanted me to do for awhile, when it was first suggested to me by a good friend many months ago.

Meanwhile, God also began working on the life group I am apart of now. He brought a new member to us who is a little younger, full of energy, and enjoys group activities like myself - who prefers to do things as a group then alone if possible. He completes the group and its exciting to see! I already assumed that the Lord was working in this way, because as before when things were rough, He would always send someone our way. New people not only teach us a lesson about humility and grace, but give us the opportunity to change, grow, and adapt.

Its mind boggling how the Lord fits our needs in all such personal and unique ways. Its not instant gratification but a process, one that is well worth any length of time to occur. In the past couple days me and a couple of the guys have gone hiking three times, we have spent time at my house, their house, watching movies and just communing, just as normal human beings are meant to do. We finally found a dynamic balanced in the pursuit of spiritual growth, a relationship with Christ, and a God loving brotherhood. The three things this universe is all about. 

I forgot to mention. I also leave for my mission trip in four days! At first I wasn't sure if it was something I was supposed to do. The money required to go on the trip was not all coming in. I needed to raise $3500 but only received $1500. But then by the will of God, I received a large check from school for food. However, after much prayer and consideration I decided to give my food money for the mission trip. Its been done on a large leap of faith... I am hoping that I can get a job when I return from Zimbabwe to cover my food costs... I believe God will be faithful though. I can trust him to be, after all he has given me so much this summer and blessed me in so many great ways.

I love you Lord and I lift my voice! To worship you!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Entry Fifty Three: Perplexed by community and alone



This summer had a beginning words could not describe, and it is over. Through this experience God has given me the tools to slowly define how the human machine operates, and by which needs every human soul craves. My strolls through many different seasons in life have brought me to many different ordeals. I have learned a good level of wisdom through my trials and mistakes. But I have also acquired knowledge through these experiences in the joys I sought after and were granted. My venture on the east coast which I spoke about in depth in a previous post really opened me to the true meaning and utter importance of brotherhood - a God fearing community.

My walk with the Lord in these past few years has instilled in me a desire for community, it brought me into favoring people, talking to them in person, being vulnerable. Most of what I experienced as a child and interacting with other children were distasteful and painful things that are still imbedded in my retrievable memory today. I looked at people as creatures, not beings that carry a spirit or light. For a very long time, I did not enjoy being around people, they made me nervous, they made me anxious, and most of all they always had the ability to make me feel stupid.... if I allowed myself to become insecure. It is still a small struggle, but much less of one with Christ on my side.

However, this desire for community through summer has unfortunately died out completely and it worries me. In the past six months my spiritual walk has become more personal and isolated. I have progressively moved myself away from situations, and places, which do not feel as comfortable or inviting as they once were. It is not that I am seeking a soft and fuzzy place where my troubles can be bestowed and dealt with more then others, or where I am contacted on a unbreakable streak and loved without end, because that would be selfish. Rather my pondering has lead me to believe that I am not being granted soil to grow and a position to pour into others with the branches this body has been given. The morning dew delivered on my leaves at the early dawn of my Christian walk is piling up, saturating my roots, stunting my rosebuds potential. Most of all it is siting idle, not dropping from my leaves onto the soil and other plants. 

If I am to blossom and drop seeds in another season at my flowers death, then something must change. The change needed is obvious, but its execution remains unclear. I must examine this situation further, prayer and meditate intensely. In the present hour what does the Lord want to do with me? Am I a weed being pushed out by patches of Saint Augustine grass? Or am I rose bush being carefully picked out and prepared for a new garden? Perhaps there is a new garden, and there are people who need for some reason to have me in their life. Perhaps I am a weed and my presence is a menace to the health of this garden.  

It is hard to accept that I am a weed because of the amazing things the Lord has done for me. Why would he treat me so kindly and with such pleasure if I am but a disobedient dandelion? Why would I be allowed to go on a amazing tour for free, with 102 comrades and brothers in Christ. Why would I  speak with a christian congressmen, and sing for other leaders of this country? Why would I travel and observe different churches and their denominations? Why would I be able to visit some of the most beautiful and well known cities in these United States? Most recently, why would I be given $1,500 in scholarship money out of just asking for it?

For these reasons I believe that my faith is in good health. The only unfortunate thing is my satisfaction has set in with a more modern version of community.... the all famous clan/corp connections you make in a mmorpg. I used to play this game before I was walking in the faith, so its not really a step in the right direction. These friendships are shallow, and could never be called a relationship or brotherhood. Most importantly they are not Christian or God fearing! Although this is true, for some reason in the past couple of days they have sustained me... because I am just so desperate. This is the core of all my problems, I shouldn't be desperate in a good garden. Why am I?

This is all very odd. I don't like killing time especially in a way that feels so bellow set standards. The life style this game makes you live is polar opposite to the one I wish to live and the one God is calling me to. But it is something which gives me a large void to throw myself into, my energy and time! Yet the most interesting discovery I have made all year is I love a good community, and it will always be my number one priority - I am a includer, observer, motivator, builder, and value tranquility. Where I can be and have all those things is a good community. Where I am at right now I do not always feel included, I have nobody to observe/motivate/build, and it is not tranquil.

There is segregation by favoritism all caused by a lack in social confidence and my personal quirks people do not care to understand. There is not a level of respect where I am allowed to encourage, or motivate others, because of the first problem. Lastly and of course it is not a tranquil environment because of the first two problems. These problems are causing a slow grinding halt to the plans God has in store for me. They cant become something permanent. After writing and thinking out loud, I do not believe I am a weed, nor do I believe that a new garden is needed. God is just tending to his plants in a none uniform fashion and I have to just trust.

I really look forward to different things God has planned for this summer. I will continue growing, continue maturing, and continue thriving. My mission trip is in three weeks and I am very excited to go! I also cant wait to start Men's Chorale again next year, its been on my mind a lot. There are plenty of doors still open I can walk through, there are plenty of places I can travel, and there are people everywhere which God can form a community with.  He has full control of my life, I will not worry, I will not grow anxious. I will pray. It will all be in God's timing and not mine. God is good, people are weird, and we all need community. :)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Entry Fifty Two: Across the east coast and seeing God!



This entire tour has been surreal and nothing really set in until last night actually. When I got on the plane departing LA it felt like a dream, when we landed in DC it felt like a dream.

Every inch of this trip has been a new experience. We arrived at the airport on time with 102 men and all of us wide eyed and ready to go. When we got past security everyone broke off to go exploring and get food. At 1:45 before boarding I met our co-pilot and asked if I could check out the cockpit, she agreed to give me a tour when we got on the plane. A few moments later around 2:00 everyone trickled in to our terminal. When we all met up Harold opened us up in song! A crowd gathered around us and everyone had their phones and cameras out snapping pictures and recording video. A few minutes later we were all called to board and hurried on the plane. However, it didn't hit me that we were leaving until what happened next.

When we approached the ramp everyone stormed down it! I went to my seat and put away my baggage and then approached the cockpit to speak with the pilot. It was so cool, both the co-pilot and pilot were extremely nice and very very charismatic. We talked about the tour and the choir, both seemed more interested in that then talking about their own careers - which is what I wanted to hear more of. However, I did get a quick run through of start up procedures and the instruments I learned about in ground school a few years ago. It gets better though, before heading back to my seat I made such a good impression on the both of them, that they suggested I hop on the intercom. He handed me the mic and I made an announcement; "Hello everyone my name is Tyler Fischella, and I will be your upgraded pilot! We will be departing shortly and the weather is expected to be good in DC, thank you for flying American Airlines, again we will be departing in 15 minutes". Both the pilots looked and me and laughed, I was flush red and I laughed too. We said goodbye and then began take off procedures.

The plane departed and we were off. The ride was expected to be about a 5 hour flight but it only felt like 2-3. I wasn't really able to sleep very much because the ride was just so personally enjoyable - I love airplanes! Yet everyone in the back was completely knocked out, even the thunder stormed we started to pass didn't wake them up. They were pretty cool, there were lighting flashes all around us, it was like being in an Indiana Jones movie or something. The best part was our decent, because during the final stages of landing preparation we broke out into song. Then upon touching down everyone began to feel the time difference, we were all wide awake because in DC it was about 4 hours ahead of California. When exiting into the terminal everything  was closed. We moved through to baggage pickup and waited there for about 30minutes before getting on the bus. This is where the adventure truly began.

It didn't really dawn on me that I was in DC, until we headed out the next morning. Our bus driver gave us a great tour of the city before we left for our first concert. The first place we ended up passing was the pentagon, it was huge! Then we went through the heart of the city, passing every major district building and government facility that the city held. But it was only the beginning. We were finally let off at the Martin Luther King Memorial, from there we walked to the World War I memorial, then the World War II memorial, then the Vietnam Memorial. I had such a reverence for these places. From their we continued on and performed at the Lincoln memorial. 


When we finished up at the Lincoln memorial we were let free to wander around the city. Me and a group of friends decided to visit some other places as well. From the Lincoln memorial we stopped by the White House and Washington Memorial. It was pretty incredible covering all that ground. Eventually our venture landed us at the capital to take a few photos before heading back to our meeting point. What I didn't realize at the time was these quests were only the tip on our iceberg. The next day Harold had planned for us to sing a few other places in the afternoon. Supposed to take place before our rehearsal dinner,  they canceled due to them actually expecting us to sing more towards the evening. In turn once again we were let free to explore the city. It landed us at a few museums and other popular tourists stops.

It was all like basking in heaven, a city filled with history and beautiful architecture, giant marble and granite structures and pillars was just so much to take in! That night we all met up at the Jw Marriott Hotel in downtown DC. There we had a rehearsal dinner and reception concert for the National Day of Prayer - which was to take place the next morning. Everything in the concert went well, we sounded good, and we were even able to get some free food afterwards before being dropped off for dinner. I believe it definitely gave us a little boost of confidence before the big show. The next morning we performed for the National Day of Prayer in the Cannon Building. It went fabulously! This will blow your mind as much as it did all of ours. We performed so well that our director got a email later stating "the bar has been raised, finding a choir for next year which can match your talent will be a hard and maybe even impossible, God bless! You did fabulously!". I don't remember it verbatim but it was something like that.

Things continued being sureal, before departing for our hotel a state representative asked us if we had seen the capital, "Wow you guys just did wonderful, I am so happy; hey, by the way have any of you been given a proper tour of the capital?". What ended up happening is we got a private tour of the United States Capital - private and in full. I could take multiple paragraphs to explain the amazement I experienced but ill try to sum it up. After arriving at the capital a two person escort brought us to the front door and all of us went through security.  From there we met our representative from the National day of Prayer, then he introduced himself and gave us the rules. He also shared a little bit about his career. Surprisingly he majored in art history. After the briefing we were guided to the House Of Representatives, the room of congress. We were all told to leave our cell phones and cameras (because we weren't supposed to be in there), and then we sat in the chairs on the main floor where congress is put into session, where congressman sit!

All of us were in awe, we were given a long debriefing of the history behind the room, and what goes on on a daily basis and even in emergencies. He then explained the stones on the walls (there were stones, with faces of the greatest law makers known to man through out history. All of them were side profiles, except for one which was at the center of the room. All the other lawmakers faced this face, and this face looked towards the chairman - Moses). Our next stop was the old congress room where congress was held in the very beginning of America. From there we entered the Capitals dome (rotunda). It was HUGE! Now, the rotunda is off limits to singing especially religious songs, in fact you have to keep your voice lowered when inside it. However, when we entered the rotunda, after a briefing of all the history the congressman ordered the guard following us and some of his own personal staff to leave and keep watch outside the two exits.

What came next blew all of our minds. He asked Harold to break us into song!!!! Immediately there was cheering and the entire dome lit up with our voices, the acoustics were just, divine! Harold asked the representative to stand in the center of the room and his wife, we circled up around him and began with Ukrainian Hallelujah. Towards the middle of the song half of us were spread out around the dome facing its center, kneeling, some weeping in praise. I was doing both. The sound, it was... unexplainable. There was a mural on the ceiling of the dome. After the song was over the congressman wife was weeping, and the escorts still around the exits came back inside with awe. They looked dumbfounded, confused, faces blank like white printing paper.  From Ukrainian hallelujah we moved onto pentatonic hallelujah, and then holy holy holy. When we began holy holy holy I swear on my life, when I was kneeling, and looking up, that mural turned from being 2D to looking 3D as if someone put 3D glasses on my face.The angels were moving, it was like the gates of heaven opened up and God was looking down at all of us.

When we left the rotunda there was a sense of reverence among every single soul with us. It was amazing to see a congressman who was so proud of his faith, to break the law. I mean, it was 1am by the time when we started singing, but still. He was approached by another man (probably a manager or representative staying late) and that man looked mad, but to our surprise our representative stood his ground. We left the room and moved to the Senate room, but because time was running out we didn't get much a history lesson. After the senate we moved to the capital balcony (totally off limits to tourists). We stood at the balcony and saw the most beautiful view of Washington DC. We snapped pictures and took video. I was proud of our capital, founded on God, protected by God, still... thankfully, guided by God. After each of us exited the balcony we were show the prayer chapel still alive and used inside the capital (also off limits to tourists). It was small, only the side of a small bedroom, each of us went in a line, some said prayers, others just looked at the bibles sitting open at the alter.

The chapel was the end of our tour, it was 2am and Harold needed us rested for our performance the next day. We were scheduled to sing at a devotional for the senate put on by Reverend Black. The next day when we showed up, the building we entered for the devotional was huge - senate offices. We were shown a large conference room, a substitute for the senate floor I think. After singing for those who showed up we all sat down. Everyone was handed a worksheet. Some of us took out our bibles, some took out our journals, some of us took out little scratches of paper.  It was a pretty cool event. The devotional was good, the message was good, and the preaching was good. When leaving Harold once again broke us into song illegally lol! It was great, all of us circled up in the main lobby, which was a giant space in the center of the building. There were offices over looking the lobby on every floor, people saw us and stood up. After we finished two songs some people clapped, others just sat down, but everyone overall looked pleased.

It was amazing what we did those past three days. We started out on the east side of the capital singing in the Cannon building (congressional offices), then inside the Capital at the rotunda, then in the senate offices on the west side of the Capital. Harold said "It was as if God laid down a giant wall through the capital, from left to right straight on through!" He is right! A wall of Men's voices guided by God, and proud to proclaim their faith, proud to be Americans, and happy to have our country guarded by the God of this universe. We smashed evil and we smashed it good! I believe things will turn around in this country, I believe people have been moved, and evil has been stalled again. Its going to have to find a new way to screw with us all now, the capital is off limits.

After the devotional we all departed Washington on buses. It was a five hour drive to New York City. Yet, it didn't really feel that long. It felt more like 2 hours. Some of us spent the journey catching up on sleep. Others were chatting, and then the rest watched two movies which burned most of the time. When we arrived in the city I was just overwhelmed. Getting to our hotel was... interesting. Traffic was horrific, there were taxi cabs everywhere, people were crossing the street at all opportunities - even if it involved the chance of causing an accident. But the streets were filled with signs and wonders, and individuals from different backgrounds, different incom levels, it was pretty impressive. When we got to our hotel cars were honking at our bus, and everyone scrambled to unload the luggage. We checked in and then it took about 20 minutes to get all of us to our rooms. After unloading everyone we all then met up in the lobby and inherited the rules from Harold - 1. No drinker 2. No smoking 3. Everyone travel in pairs of two, 4. Don't die! We didn't have a curfew and were let loose into the city, life was great!

I however, had a paper to finish and turn in before midnight. It wasn't too bad though. I just needed to revise a few things, add in some more details, read over it, make an outline, and cite everything. I finished up around 11:34. By that time, everyone who ran out to time square, was sprawled all over the city. I decided to meet a few guys at a local diner called "Stardust Diner" - it ended up turning into an adventure. I stepped outside the hotel and went just one block down the street then realized I would have to travel nine blocks in order to reach the diner. I went a second block and asked a few random people on the street if they could confirm its location. By the time I finished interviewing the second person for directions a fight broke out just about 20 feet in front of me, at that point I quickly hailed a cab. It was the first time hailing a cab or traveling in NYC alone. It was exciting but then also anxiety creating. I ended up at my destination and paid the cab driver $8.75 for the small trip, met up with the guys and headed off.

We walked off into time square and then stopped by the NBC building where they film SNL. When we exited on the other side, outside was a huge line of people waiting to grab tickets. Our little group got into conversation, one thing lead to another and we were asked to sing. From there we passed an area used for ice skating in the winter. Across from it was another building, where The Office is filmed. After going down 7th street we decided to back track and visit union station. It was huge, like walking into a earth within a earth. Most of the shops inside were closed including the apple store built there this last year. However, trains were still running and we did manage to take a fast look at the ancient boarding rails, it wasn't exciting for the others as much as it was for me lol. After leaving the station we all headed back to the hotel for some much needed sleep.

The next day we all woke up, grabbed breakfast at star bucks and got ready to perform. We were scheduled to perform for church that served the homeless. When we got on the bus Harold got a phone call and it was canceled. So instead, all of us changed and took a tour on the bus of the entire city. After going around central park we were dropped off at the financial district near 9/11. We went up and down wall street, grabbed food, listened to live music, and saw street performers. There were also hundreds of small booths set up selling merchandise. 
Harold also took us by the Stock Exchange building. To my surprise it was all fenced off, and heavily guarded. Even the buildings around it had heavy security. Then after walking around for almost four hours we all met up, and prepared for our next destination - the 9/11 memorial.

The 9/11 memorial was absolutely amazing. When we arrived all of us were lined up, the towers overheard, and the first thing I saw was a very long multi-layered security process. All of us went through it. After security came a long pathway with cameras every 5-10 feet. Awhile walking towards the main memorial we passed ground zero, where a ton of construction and debris still remained. I was just in awe, I re-imagined the entire event take place in front of me as we continued walking. Finally after going about three blocks we arrived. The pathway opened up into a giant tree, grass, and concrete filled plaza. Freedom tower was directly in front of us, and to the right was a huge huge huge fountain/waterfall. There were actually two of them, each built into the original foundation of the old towers. The sound they created drained everything else out.

We stayed at the memorial for about two hours. All of us were let loose and walked around the large structures in the plaza, parking lots, office buildings, security posts and guest centers. Before leaving Harold rounded us all up in the center of the plaza and we broke into song with the national Anthem and God Bless America. After just two measures a large crowd began to form in front of us. People immediately took out their phones and cameras. Our camera guy also recorded the event, and I took out my iPhone. We ended with out favorite song - Holy Holy Holy. By the end of that,  we were surrounded by about 200-300 people in applause! The most surprising part to me was; no security approached us, no park staff, nothing. In fact those standing near by were also in applause. It was nice to see people still proud to be American.

The next day we headed out to two churches down in Harlem, they were both very old. It was the last thing we did in NYC, from there we ventured off to Michigan. That drive was about 13 hours, and when we arrived it was about 9pm. Our host families were politely waiting with their cars. Everyone unloaded their luggage, greeted the host families and then was paired. I was paired with five other great guys and then was off. We arrived at our host families home shortly after and for dinner we had sandwiches with the most amazing pickles I have ever tasted. Their homes backyard view was beautiful, quiet, and had a giant field spread out about 40 acres out. Every morning we got the privilege to eat breakfast and hang out in the kitchen overseeing God's beautiful creation.  Most of our time spent in Michigan was touring churches. Although we did meet up and sing at a few other places, including a beautiful home were we all met our host families. Before  leaving Michigan we also stopped by a high school and sang for their chapel. It was actually a weird experience, I hadn't stepped in a high school since I was in high school, it took me back a few years and really made me realize how much time had passed.

We also visited a college too, Calvin college. It was very similar to APU. The auditorium we performed in was beautiful, it had hundreds of small lights suspended from the ceiling at different lengths. When the lights were turned on it looked like stars. We also stopped in a small city called Holland - where we sang for a parade. But the best part of Michigan was the movie theater. Harold bought everyone tickets to see the movie Avengers! All one hundred of us crammed into the theater and watch the movie, the applause's were epic, the laughter was epic, every reaction we had towards that movie, in that room was pretty epic. I think my favorite memory in Michigan was at our host families home. One of the guys who I stayed with had never seen star wars, the other three including myself couldn't believe it! So that night we watched it on a pulled out couch at our host families home. All four of us crammed together stomach down. I ended up laying on top of them because there wasn't enough room. Half way through the movie we all fell asleep. It was like being a kid again.

After leaving Chicago we headed out to Indiana and sang at a small church, where we also bumped into the congressman from Alabama who saw us sing in DC at the Capital.  It was pretty amazing running into him again. Harold rounded us all up in a circle and we prayed for the congressman and his wife, they watched us perform, and again his wife was in tears. The night was a total blast. But the best part came when it was time to go to our host families house. The host family I was assigned to with the bus drivers, and six other guys (nine people in total) was just amazing. Their house was over 10,000 square feet, a legitimate mansion. It had a basement, and then three stories on top of that. They had 172 acres of land, a river on their property, a forest, huge wheat fields, and a small cabin. The family itself was great too, they were so eager to serve us and give us anything we happened to need. They even put on a bonfire down by the cabin. Before we headed to bed we all talked, shared stories, and one of the guys sang some amazing worship on his guitar.  What made it so special for me personally, was the fact it was my birthday - the whole experience was a birthday gift from God.

The following day we all woke up, had breakfast and jumped in the shower. I was sort of slow waking up so most of the showers were occupied. I was then told to use the master bathroom. The bathroom was about as big as my room and had a beautiful view of the front lawn (which was about two acres). They also had ceiling speakers in all the rooms, my bathroom included.  So awhile I was showering I got to listen to worship music. It was like being in heaven. After everyone had breakfast we packed up, left the home, and got on the bus again. Our next stop as Chicago Illinois! The drive wasn't too bad though, it was only about three hours. When we arrived the weather as completely different from indiana. It was cold, and drizzling. Just miserable. Even so, we all got off the bus. Some went off to grab food and others went exploring different land marks in the city. My group visited the sears tower, but unfortunately we were not able to see the top, admission was $27 and time was running short.  In summation, the city was much nicer then New York, it was clean and people actually obeyed the law.

When we left the big city our next stop was Willow Crest Community Church, where Harold planned for us to do a flash Mom after service. The church was absolutely huge, the biggest one I have ever seen. It held seven thousand members in the main auditorium, which three stories of stadium seating and a massive stage.  There were also two spill over rooms, which held an additional two thousand. The most interesting part in my opinion was the lobby, it had a large waterfall, food court, jazz band, multiple escalators and fountains. Most of us compared it to looking like a small indoor mall. When it finally came time to sing everyone was scattered around, Harold started with the four years, then slowly each of us walked up to him from out of the massive crowd and began singing. It was pretty cool. But this is where I first began getting sick. When we left for our host families house symptoms just slammed me. The next morning I felt horrible. I had a fever of 102, throat burning, ears throbbing, head throbbing, stuffy noise, coughing, it was just miserable.

We had two big church performances that day, one early in the morning and one later at night. I decided to txt Harold and ask him if I could stay at my host families home, because I was in no condition to sing. Thankfully he allowed it, and my host families mother allowed it too. I ended up sleeping the entire day, catching almost 9 hours, only getting up to go pee, grab ibuprofen and get more water. The mother at the host family was absolutely amazing, even though it was mothers day, she made me lunch. I felt so bad that she had to care for me, but it was also kind of nice, I missed my mom a lot. The other guys staying at the host family didn't get home until around 11pm that night. When they did get home,  I was feeling much better, so two of us stayed up with the host families son and played halo for a couple of hours. The next day we headed out of the house, to the busses, and off to Wisconsin. It was the last state we visited before heading home.

Our last performance was at a small church, where we did a debrief (where everyone shared what they thought about the trip and confessed anything they did), and really began to realize that tour was coming to a close. Some of the guys cried, and some of them gave encouragement, some of them bared shame, and some of them joy. It was a very deep and personal experience, everyone grew from it. Then, before starting the concert Harold circled us all up outside, where the church overlooked a beautiful lake. He gave us his final words, and prayed. By this time my cold, or illness, whatever it was... really began to hit me hard. After getting up on the rafters my fever broke out again, I couldn't stop sweating, and two songs before intermission I almost fainted. I didn't sing a word, I couldn't hold a pitch, my voice was just shot so instead, I just mouthed everything. A good friend who was standing behind me helped hold me up. At the end of the concert when we were being assigned to host families I threw up. It was not a fun way to end the trip. I even wondered if this was punishment for something I may have done, but nothing came to mind.

It was hard leaving Wisconsin for the airport, I didn't really want to go home, especially being sick. When we flash mobbed in the airport it just wasn't the same. For some of the guys, especially the graduates, it was the last time we would probably ever see them. Before boarding everyone said their official goodbyes, there was crying, some depressed faces, and then others just looking forward to home. When it came time to board the airplane everyone shuffled on, and all I could think about was home, going to the doctor and then my bed. But now that I am home, and it has been 24 hours since I boarded that airplane in chicago... all I can think about it tour. The brotherhood we have in this group, and the men who are apart of it, I will never find anywhere else. I cant even find it in my own church, and it is not in small group I have been apart of for the past two years. I am going to make sure to optimize the time I spend in this group for the next four years. Time moves on so fast, it just slips through your fingers, and when it is gone you feel a little more empty inside. I didn't do a good job of getting to know everyone this semester, only a couple of guys.

Although this tour has been absolutely a mind blower, fantastic, unexplainable, the presence of God was everywhere, he took us inch by inch almost prophetically, and there is so so much more I can write - Next semester I want to challenge myself. LORD! I pray that my heart opens up and I  really get to know all of these great guys. Don't let me become lazy, don't let me become apathetic, let me grow and mature, let me find brotherhood. Not friendship, but brotherhood, the kind I see in this group and Harold tells us to cherish. Amen. Also, Lord, please I beg, dont ever let me forget the amazing things that happened on this tour!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Entry Fifty One: Words can not explain this year and what is to come in the summer!



Its the end of my first year at Azusa Paciffic university. I cant believe it is already over... so much has happened since I started attending APU. I believe my walk with the lord has moved onto a new platform of transformation. Where do I start? There is so much!

I joined the Mens Choir on campus where I am surrounded by 100 strong christian brothers, who are all so great to be in the presence of. This semester we toured a few churches up north, south, really all over California. Now, we are going on our BIG tour in three days - where we will be singing for the national day of prayer in Washington DC and a 9/11 memorial in NewYork, along with more church concerts. These tours, and these brothers have given me a new outlook on my faith. They trust God so I can trust God and the result has been a huge shift in my faith walk. God has taken me into deep communion.  Instead of rushing to humans for help, God has become the one I talk to most. It is sometimes hard because talking with someone in the flesh can feel more real. But I have realized people have no power and can really do nothing for me. They can do no more for me then I can do for them - which is only what God grants me. God does everything for everyone. We are only here as a collective mass for the sake of company and socializing, for service, for fun, for worship.

I am running to God for my assistance and sustenance! Its so wonderful! Socializing has moved to being secondary and faith has been moved to the top. Through this transition God has brought me so many amazing encounters. I believe he is literally by me now all the time, that he is like a invisible cloud which hovers over me that I can talk to out loud at any time. Sometimes it is easier to realize this, other times it can be hard. But I believe he is always there walking with me, watching me, waiting for me as he also sometimes makes me wait for him. This is so true with a special experience I had this semester. I was sitting with my two small group leaders at panda express. A homeless man came up to me and asked if he saw me before, if we talked before about faith, and why he abandoned Christianity. I then unfortunately said no, because really, I hadn't seen or talked to him before. However, then we talked. We talked about God, about his interests, his entire life story! We talked with him for over two hours. I felt the presence of God for most of our conversation. We found out what happened to him, why he is who he is.
 

We wanted to help him so bad, even though he didn't want any of our help. After bombarding him without hesitation he finally gave in. We decided to raise some money for him, then he asked us to give him a ride to Union Station the next morning. But the most mind blowing part was what happened that night. He called me and explained that someone from APU (actually someone I knew from my choir group) gave him money earlier the same day. It was literally an hour before we arrived, so this is why he refused our help. He really wanted to just be up front with me and say that all of this stuff we are doing really inst necessary. He wanted to make sure he didn't give any impression of scamming us, so it wouldn't stop us from helping other people. He asked me what I thought, and I said "we are still giving it to ya, we found out before you called me via facebook, the person you talked to earlier is in my choir". He was blown away.

I was blown away too. It was amazing seeing a man living on the go, so alone, with such character as to be fully honest and open about why he refused our help, he was so humble, he knew what he needed and what was given to him was "enough". He was such a good fellow, and I am so overjoyed that God gave us this privilege to truly serve him and be a real friend. The next day we woke up around 5:00 and picked him up at a 7/11 just a few blocks away from where he found us. It was where he asked us to pick him up. On the car ride to union station we talked about a ton of stuff, the guy was so knowledgeable. We talked about current events, politics, and the economy. It was more of a lesson then a conversation because he knew more about it then any of us! He also shared with us all the library cards and public transit cards he collected over the years. He had like 30 library cards and 25 trans cards, and a ton of other stuff from all over the country. It was something I will never forget, God moved so much that day.

None of this just fell out of the sky for me though. Its been rough with other portions of my spiritual walk. In the beginning of the year church was very difficult, because of certain expectations I started to grow in my spiritual walk. Thankfully though, over the course of this semester those expectations have been scaled back with the power of patience and council from a few divine appointments, such as meeting that homeless man and a few others. In turn though, this has almost made my church going practice come to a complete halt. It used to be a discipline I exercised fanatically and now it is quiet the opposite. My small group has been a journey too. During the middle of this semester I was having a very hard time. Mostly because of the paradigms and expectations I was hitched to, not because of anyone in the group. It seemed like nothing was moving progressively in a better direction - according to what I deemed "better". In actually on a spiritual level God was moving.

These periods of confusion were used to move me into quiet time. I started going to the prayer chapel at school because I was in such a unstable and stressed out state spiritually and "biologically". I lacked the water of life so much because I couldn't get enough of it. I was also hormonally imbalanced so God pulled me away from friends to just spend alone time with Him. Even though God wasn't feeding me per say, through that life group, it has been such a wonderful experiences to see everyone else growing closer.  For awhile we were disconnected. The level of community in our group has increased tremendously compared to a year ago where we only saw or really talked to each other in church related activities. Now we group text message everyone all the time, anything we do we try to do together. We also txt prayer requests and encouragement more often, we talk and joke, we even hold group conversations via txt message on occasion. These things bring such joy to my heart!

I believe this summer is going to be wild. I have tour starting in three days where I will be all over the east coast for two weeks - on a giant man adventure with 100 other men! Then when I get back I have to start fund raising constantly, fanatically, crazily, because I still need $2600 for my mission trip. Wow, forgot to mention that - I will be leaving in June for Zimbabwe Africa for a mission trip which is like another three pages of writing (A story in itself!). Then in July or August my family will be going up to shaver lake for vacation. Somehow I need to find a job that will allow me to work with all these different events scheduled on my calendar... God has blessed me inexplicably. This brings me to the most amazing and holy, crazy, loving, genuine, amazing, divine, incredible thing I have EVER had happen in my life. The thing God gave to me as a Jewl which will never perish!




--- The miracle of miracles!! This is why I want to share all of this today.



At age 15 my parents and friends noted I wasn't starting puberty so I went to my doctor. He said to wait until I turned 16 so that's what we did. My birthday came around, I turned 16, but there were still no changes - my body and face still represented one of a 12 year old. Later that month I visited an endocrinologist and he ran some blood work. After two weeks the results came back and my testosterone level was 50, (the average is 450). He issued an MRI to scan for tumors, nothing in my head was found. He ran more tests and eventually I was diagnosed with a pituitary problem (Hypogonadotropic hypogonadism). Two weeks later I started a replacement therapy through injection. After the first year my body started to represent its correct age, it had a testosterone level of 457 and puberty was in full swing.

I continued these injections and was told I had to take them for the rest of my life. So I had to make a choice, a life long commitment or stay looking 12.  If I stopped the injections at any time my body would begin to atrophy, my bones would become brittle, a long list of things would start to go wrong. I choose to go with the injections, but with that came side effects - like a over exuded metabolism. Some side effects were emasculating, like the inability to produce fertile sperm. I wondered if I would ever get married, or be damned to celibacy. No body except my parents really knew about this condition. Then when I came back to the Lord three years ago I started praying for healing. As time passed I wanted healing more and more. When I started APU and saw the opportunity to start dating, I really prayed for healing, it was constantly in the back of my mind. This semester I opened up and shared it with my mission leader and small group. I also started seeking prayer on prayer night at church from the elders.

Four months ago I was having some problems and went to a urologist. He took my blood and measured my testosterone level it was at 1100 which is dangerously high. We then measured my prolactin levels (which regulate testosterone secretion) and they were elevated too. But I didn't increase the dosage at home!! So my urologists wondered if my body started producing testosterone on its own along with my injections. It was supposed to be completely impossible. Even though I had been taking the same dosage for over six years we decided to conduct an experiment. He told me to stop taking my injections and I agreed to stop. Then, we ran blood work four weeks later in March after stopping the injections and my testosterone level was at 247 (which is a little low) but he said to wait. We measured my testosterone level just a week ago and, I got the results yesterday, its now at 355 (completely normal) with being off my shots four months. Impossibly it bounced back without injections!!! God healed me.

Its going to be so exhilarating to see what unfolds from this, what God decides to use it for, where he takes me with it. My next appointment is on the 21st when I get back from tour. Its going to be very interesting hearing what the doctor has to say. I hope I can get a copy of all the lab results. I also want to get a copy of my old labs done in 2006 when I was first diagnosed, as proof. I really hope they are still in my medical record... they should be right?

The conclusion, This year has been unexplainable.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Entry Fifty: What is Good Art?



What is good art? What is the difference between “Christian” and Non-Christian art? According to Steve Turners book Imagine there isn’t correlation to good art and “Christian art”, but true art that reflects the absolute character of God – Christian Art. He points out that “A key issue in the strained relationship between Christianity and the arts is the perceived division between secular and sacred”(Turner p47). I agree with Turner and believe this is a problem, and so many people run into this problem for number of reasons. They draw a line through art and label it’s worth based on religious or secular meaning, when in fact art should be looked at in a much different and larger way. We need to be looking at the issue of creation and Christianity backwards. There are some good reasons for this that turner helps point out in his book.

He explains that if you don’t understand God Made All and Owns All then you run into determining whether a song, book, painting, or sculpture is “Christian” or non-Christian… or what is to being “small minded”, instead of just asking if its good art. He says’s “Christian” art, in this sense, is usually either an aid to worship or a means of evangelism. Not surprisingly, it developed and flourished at a time when Christianity offered the commonly accepted explanation for life” (Turner p23). I agree with turner that this in itself is not “art”, nor is it Christian art, it is only one very finite example of “art” and especially finite I you label it “Christian” art. I also agree by saying, today’s “Christian” art alone is not good worship, its just evangelism and flaunted religion. It is not a true appreciation for the creation as a whole, the observable, existence… the expressible, - all what God made. So often we see that “Christian” = “Religious art” instead of actually Christian, or (to see all things can point to Gods Character).

I believe only when you know God do you truly know the fundamentals that come from his natural character which dictate good art, that are seen in nature, in the culture, in our human condition, and so much more. I believe Christianity is the only religion, which knows Him best, because we not only know him through observing nature as other religions do, but we also have His Word! So it should be that because we are Christian, it can all be identified through art so long as the Art is made of what we know to be fundamentally God's Character.  In a sense I am saying all people know of God (whether they admit it or not), through the workings of nature. And from what I understand, to be Christian is to just see and accept more of these fundamentals then to be another religion or atheist. Anyone can recognize true beauty, (Overarching label of God). So it is not that non-Christian artists are wrong, that their art is bad, or that the artist is from another religion, but that the artist is limited in what he may be trying to express as beautiful – God's Character.

Its funny how Turner has helped me come to this conclusion. It is contradictory to what most artists in the world who are Christian see themselves to be, because most Christian artists believe to be constricted and limited. They can only sing about praise, only sing about worship, they throw in Bible versus because these things have become
Christian. Christian artists are stuck to writing about only religiously/obsessive “Christian” subjects when they see everything else God is in, wanting to express that too. It is because they see it backwards, as I said earlier; good art is art that reflects God's character, which is what I listed earlier - good virtue, absolute morality, and truth. Also imprinted in nature because nature shares his thumbprint. Christians know God's character better then others because they have The Word and see nature according to His word – which is Christian – finding God's character and seeing it in everything. Unfortunately what I am getting at is, they only talk about The Word, that is what we know to be worship, and then we forget about nature and anything that is of nature is then secular, instead of labeled apart of Gods character/Thumb Print. Christian artists are not limited at all, they just need to take back this understanding.

As I understand it. When people take the light [of Jesus] they are able to see not just “a world” but a
real world, a true world, a virtuous world, and they are able to take back this world because they have been given the power to do so. With the light of The Word at our feet we can begin walking again, step by step away from the fall. Unfortunately we don’t get to that part, when we get the Bible we stick to the Bible, we don’t go out and then begin exploring the world that was taken away from us, which we were blinded to. We just don’t see it this way. The world, or lady bugs, frogs, white fences, farms, guitars, poetry, automobiles [the capacity to create and then travel], romance, the rainforest, grassy plains, oceans, [scuba diving] adventure is all apart of the Lords creation. We don’t need to use “Christian” themes to express good art - like "swinging the flag of Jesus" in whatever we make [metaphorically speaking]. Even give art “Christian” undertones. We just need walk with confidence, courage, faith, and absolute certainty that we believe what we believe and then use every art form, express everything on earth, on this planet, to show why we see it to be Christian. Show the world why we believe God created this all, loves us, and walks with us. We don’t need to paint, or sculpt him literary, or write about him literally

Yet, artists not only have a hard time doing this, people have a hard time doing this because when you think
Christian, you think "Jesus, Church, and Bible" - "Christian". You don’t think about the complexity of nature, the vastness of space, ladybugs, fields of flowers, you expect something in art to be a sermon, not the fingerprint of God. God made the world, God is of the world and the world is of God, although fallen, it has been redeemed through Christ and given a second chance to be seen in such a marvelous light. Through the candles he holds at our feet by his resurrection. So actually, we first need to acknowledge that Christian art is not something that reflects a sermon, or engages us in a transformation experience, Turner explains that Christian art can be photographing the shadow of a dollhouse, to photographing a river and great mountain landscape. Both of those things are in fact real and both of those things in themselves, not how the artists creates them to look, are a reflection of God. Everything that is good comes from God and should be sacred, not viewed as “Christian” or Non-Christian. The Christian artists must preserve everything that is good within the world. Everything we see the fingerprints of God on, which is 90% of creation. Everything that is evil [10%] must be destroyed -  evil is what we know to be the opposite of good virtue, absolute morality, and Truth… opposite to the fundamental character of God which is observable by the things laid down before us, seen only through knowing the word and looking at nature, looking for the character. 

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Entry Forty Nine: The Purpose of pain





In this letter I am trying to express with my own limited understanding of something very complex. To a very few people I suspect some of this may confuse them and make me out to sound like a masochist. But to the majority I hope this will help them understand a plausible reason for their to be pain in the past or present. Through much thought, what I discovered gives me peace of mind and heart.

I believe that pain serves a purpose. It is not the evil most people or all people see it to be in this age. I know that pain paints a vivid image, like a monster, which sums up what we need to change in our lives or run from, emotional/spiritual/or sensory. As stated in Psalm 119:67 "Before you made me sufer, I used to wander of, but now I hold onto your word". It is a god awful thing to experience or acquire at any given time through the course of our lives. Yet, these canvases blotched with cancer, aids, death, divorce, child abuse, and war all reflect something about the Artist (God) which is very important and we generally overlook. Without these things humanity (Us) would not have the color, texture, and even definition that is required to be a masterpiece. We would not have free will.

I believe without pain, our lives would amount to water colors and pencil sketches of stick figured men picking flowers. We would all be blissful shadows walking in a world without purpose and drive, only motivated to take shape by the casting of Gods Will. The driven life we experience every day through stretching our 'own' human will would not be achievable. The people who hit the finish line and win the race of life... what would they be called? Without the unexplainable stories of suffering, confusion, and life loathing trauma I wonder if we could be called art at all.  Those who overcome pain, would they be crafted uniquely, would their wills be considered strong, would they have value? Would we who are still in the process of dealing with our pain, would we all have the chance to take courage to heart, bravery to mind, and a steadfastness of integrity no human could ever snatch away when facing such hardships? Would we express the ability to out perform ourselves, others, and life itself?

I believe that from the beginning of time we were created to endure trials, and we were set up to face a hostile world. Trials not only force us to encounter proofs we at one point could never imagine possible, but they make us someone never before fathomable. Our lives would not be like great works if they did not have this unique quality of bringing awe and the unimaginable into existence through decisions we make. This is what the Artist created, all artists attempt to create. A true artist attempts to express and generate something apart of him/herself. Something that maybe has been observed, but perhaps never thought of before - that is unique and expressed by their hearts language. We know that Gods language is purely love. So what is better then adding a swatch of pain? Isn't it true this pain gives our lives contrast, and also allow us to 'make the choice' of loving God back? For instance, anyone can desire to live a easy life and find happiness in living one, but only a few desire the empowerment (love) to purposely take on hardship (pain) and find real joy.

I have come to realize in my walk of faith that it is perhaps paradoxical to assume God isn't real based on the fact you have pain in your life. We all have pain in our lives, and with out it we wouldn't recognize the many blessings we should be thankful for, the good things we do and believe in. I think it might be  irrational to accuse God of being wrong when he created a universe with pain and suffering. With out it we wouldn't be able to rate or assign value to the people, places, and memories which hold something unexplainably special inside our spirit. You already know this to be true, because when we overcome our pain the tides of our joy become well worth the trial. This experience of joy is also multiplied by the memory and fact you came out on the other side. With out pain there would be nothing to gage against. The grandness and complexity of this creation... would inevitably lose value... its real importance to the human soul.

I have come to accept pain is not a problem, it only becomes one when you don't recognize what its purpose is, and cant trust the one who decided to craft it - God. If the meaning of life is to grow, which means branching out, pushing past mental, emotional, physical and spiritual boundaries. Constantly going to the shoe store to buy and then break into your new pair of sneakers. Then I choose to follow in the footsteps of God not because it makes my life more comfortable, not because I am crazy, but because through these seasons I do mature and find understanding that would otherwise be overlooked due to appearing very odd at first glance.


Note to self: Pain will give me a reason to complain and then contemplate why it and many different things exist in my own life.

Note to self: Pain will give me a reason to come to the cross and find empowerment (love) so I can continue living the abundant life and sharing it with others.

Note to self: Pain will give me a reason to exist and a reason to overcome existence, to earn a kind of purple heart no one can ever remove from the most inner workings of my heart - if decide I to move forward in faith.

 I am not a survivor on earth. We are all warriors.


Isaiah 53
John 9:2, 3
2 Corinthians 12:10
Philippians 1:12-14
Hebrews 5: 8, 9
James 1:2-4
1 Peter 1:6, 7
1 Peter 2:21-24