Entry Sixty Three: Disturbed by Unfortunate Truth.

Where do I even begin. It has been such a long time since I touched my blog. I don't want this post to evolve into a political rant or a religious rant, but I do feel urged to write about the reality of church influence and my inner turmoil. There is an incredible and frightening shift taking place in American culture. Christianity is not what it used to be in terms of size, strength, and influence. The persuasive and inherent message of salvation is being smothered regularly, like a cereal killer who habitually puts his victims into permeant sleep by placing a pillow over their face. People of faith need be alert.

The American church once stood as a beacon of sociological moral operation within our society. People embraced the 10 commandments without great friction, they understood human nature in perspective of civic obligations, yet like the geopolitical figure Nicholas Spykman they were also lenient enough to peacefully observe political realism. Up until the 1950s killing the innocent was still wrong, especially "good guys", stealing property was still wrong, especially from "the poor", acting in a way that subverted "a fellow citizen" was still wrong, and it was still shameful to dishonor your parents.

Today's America has been turned to a rusting slab of steel. Its exterior is covered with brown dust, left over by agent orange from the Vietnam war, and pealing material that easily flakes off with just rubbing middle eastern sand against it. The lack of sociological moral operation by an established moral institution parallels the image of a man who forcefully chips away with a toothbrush rather than applying lubricant. The 10 commandments have been removed from almost all general government buildings that pertain to law. Human nature is understood in perspective of personal desire, and an angry majority of church goes rage war against the need for political realism.

In comparison, todays American church looks like a mothball of uninformed people who think as individuals rather than a civic body, who assume their religious liberties and free speech are still being protected, and who continue down a path of inevitable persecution because of their ignorance. They presume christianity is still a dominant ethical and cultural force. They presume that police brutality is only happening in the deep south. They presume all the horrific blunders described in George Orwell's 1984 will remain fiction, however that is probably farthest from the actual truth.

For some christians, my observation is like another guy holding a "end times coming" sign, because they have heard a similar message for so long. For some other christians, my observation is like a kid picking up the Wsj in High school for the first time. Let us address some of the core issues that support my claims. First, recall that a large federal healthcare mandate called The Affordable Care Act was never read and then passed by congress. It had a couple clauses that required non-profits and private companies to provide free birth control. The Catholic Church was put in a direct line of fire.

After the federal government managed to literally force the largest globally recognized religious institution onto its knees, they went after smaller denominations. First they used indirect tactics, starting with simple issues in academic institutions. For example, sharing, which is a common christian ethic, and mutual among many other religions. Sharing food has become outlawed in over 30% of Jr High and High Schools, partly for legal insulation, but there are other ways to protect yourself from a lawsuit than criminalizing an act of kindness. Yet, it doest stop with the most important age group.

Religious minority groups and affiliated clubs are no longer allowed to be funded by student government in over 85% of public universities. Churches across the country are being audited by the IRS because of their political beliefs or sermon context. My own pastor no longer preaches about political issues because of his own growing fear. Now, just this week – in the most conservative state in the entire United States (Texas) – a pastor was subpoenaed by the newly elected lesbian mayor of Houston... because of a sermon he preached about people committing lustful acts of homosexuality.

The church is in a position of defense. It has shields set to maximum and the censorship drones are on patrol to ensure no one in the congregation speaks out against something that can draw a subpoena. It is very strange, especially when considering in Europe, there is a political party called "The Christian Democratic Union", and it holds the majority rule in Germany. Or when considering in latin America, the church is heavily censored, but runs an underground operation at local levels and fervently fights in the public square and political arenas at executive levels. The facts are staggering.

In other parts of the world, christian ethics are either engulfed by secularization or overwhelmed by the threat of tyranny. Only in the United States will you find the perfect temperature of lukewarm. None of these issues really put on blast or pinpoint the real problem, which is a universal apathy Christians have toward getting involved in fighting or engaging political/liberty protection priorities. When I talk with peers in my university or off campus I get the following responses... "this doesn't affect me" – or the more common – "the church has always been persecuted and it has always survived".

I spoke to a friend who just finished seminary about what he thought, and he said, "Christianity was BORN and THRIVED in a culture that had temple prostitution, Extra-marital homo/heterosexual relations, pluralism, and polytheism, where you weren't allowed to make exclusive truth claims". So in other words, well, I actually cant translate that without sounding incredibly bitter and antagonistic. The level of irrationality in that statement. People in real persecution fight because they are being persecuted, they don't sit and throw out remarks that immobilize the issue, so they don't fight, so they can fight later.

Our nation has become so backward that black equals white and white equals a C minor. It is not that everyone is spiritually color blind and intellectually tone def, they just revoke the idea of political cognitively. Everyone wants to pretend it doesn't exist so they don't have to use it. To me, it is of great concern, because I am walking into a war zone with my Political Science degree and I have no idea if reinforcements will ever arrive. I suppose this is where I have to really embrace my own Faith.

Entry Sixty Two: Reaching at Revelation

There is nothing more spiritually awakening then being asked what your favorite sermon is and allow me to explain why, but first let me give some context.

Today I was asked this question by a new friend, just about 30 minutes ago via Facebook.  Both of us being political science majors, we first became aquatinted at a Political club meeting about three months ago. Since that meeting we have discussed personal hobbies, interests, economics, our preference on the president, and of course future ambitions. However, during our chats we had never really brought up religion. Though, I am not generally shy about my faith on social media or in the work place, his question still came as a slight but exhilarating surprise. The question was simple and efficient; it read "Any good Christian sermons you recommend on youtube?".

Even with such directness it took me about 3-4 minutes to process what he was asking and what I was suppose to do. I sat there thinking about his job profession, his hobbies, where he may be in life, what he may be going through. I even considered the possibility of there being a deeper question or plea. It was difficult to digest at first, because although this exercise was a normal exchange with my christian friends, with none christian friends, and even with strangers... it had never happened with political friends. I sat there for another couple minutes thinking of my favorite pastors, my favorite churches, sermons that came to mind, and I had absolutely no idea where to start.

After a couple moments I began looking up Ravi Zacharias, then Francis Chan, then Tim Keller. Then I looked up Skyline Church, Experience Life, Mosaic Hollywood, FoothillChurch, and Christ Church of the Valley. I started by looking in the media section of each website, scanning each series theme, then picking a couple I thought might be good. However, for the first time in my christian life I looked at the videos with a whole new level of objectivity. Questions started raising in my head; does this message sound like its attacking atheists, does it sound belittling, does it sound too exclusive, fundamentally does it sound offense? Then I wondered what would be offensive from his perspective.

It takes a certain kind of person to enjoy watching C-span, watching documentaries, reading the news, and following polls as a workplace hobby. I know, because I too enjoy these things and only find like minded people perusing the same field - politics. With someone who works in a major public office, there sits a certain kind of mind that can easily sift through bullshit and poor rhetoric. Thus, for the first 20 minutes I had my work cut out for me, instead of sharing videos I really enjoyed for personal reasons, which had a certain personal context involved... I looked for videos that may be nourishing from where ever he may be in personal walk. I thought of the deep questions he may be asking.

After skimming through about 13 themes and skimming the videos,  something strange came over me. As I continued watching I kept encountering the same thoughts "why is he talking so aggressively?", "why does he keep speaking on the defense?", "why does he automatically assume I am Christian?", "why do I feel like this sermon was written for a Highschool group?", "Where is intelligence?" this is such a crappy speech. After about the third of fourth "why", I realized something. Behind all those questions I was also thinking "man I have heard this a million times", which opened my eyes up to something incredible. I realized how confined the idea of truth has become within modern christianity.

I began thinking about all the times I had watched a Ted Talk and really appreciated the inspiration, or what it used to feel like sitting in church and hearing a theological paradigm I had never experienced before. Now after thinking about the whole thing it dawned on me that in the christian world, the combination of theology and practicality are not combined. For instance, I only know of three organizations that combine science and christianity to explore our purpose. I only know of one none profit institution that uses sociology and psychology to research and preserve the family unit. Lastly, I only know of one book that outlines the powerful politics Jesus created during his time on earth.

A couple weeks ago another friend of mine who is catholic was telling me he would attend church if pastors would talk about the complexity of natural law as they did during Abraham Lincoln's day. This is a friend who enjoys reading about roman history, the great philosophers, and modern global politics. I cant understand why that topic isn't brought up commonly or why people don't use the same kind of complex vocabulary as before, but I wont share that opinion because it will waste space. The point my friend pointed out earlier, and the point I discovered while searching for a good video, is that the christian church has become so consumed by the attitude of pleasing that it has forgotten its duty.

The duty of the christian church is to explain truth by painting a picture, using broad strokes and also small brushes. Yet today the church paints with only small brushes, or it paints with broad strokes. Instead of getting something beautiful that captures the soul and inspires the mind, we get something that looks good for the slow of heart, and for others it feels like an optional or abstract form of entertainment. It's not that the messages do not have enough material, or enough combination of science and scripture, or theology and astronomy, it is that sermons often fail to answer some of our most common questions. The pulpit points out what may be an issue but then gives no direct resolution.

I was looking at the sermons with an lens given to me by Christian Academia, such as the importance of historical context. Then from political philosophy I gathered the importance of history, law, absoluteness, and good rhetoric. At that point I called my friend Chris for his own personal suggestion, because after examining myself for only a couple moments I figured with such lenses it would be impossible to give my other friend what he needed, clearly there was something going on with myself. Chris sent me a video on Facebook and I thought about forwarding it, but the video raised the same "Whys" as the others. So I just sent my friend a list of my favorite pastors and some great churches.

Most often when the pulpit does proclaim a resolution, it feels awfully like a self help guidebook or check list. When I sent those pastor suggestions and church links I as if I were doing the same thing. I suppose ultimately this is what I am saying: Where are the great readers and thinkers of our time? Where are the youth that know old philosophy, who understand civics, who can retain history. Why do I only know a handful of incredibly intelligent people, why do I know this handful and not a handful of pastors who can beat them? I find myself almost temped to get into pastoral ministry myself. However, I fear that jumping on such a train leads to the problem of being narrowly educated, not a duel artisan.

Entry Sixty Three: Revelatons.

Right now it is 4:35am, I am listening to worship music, and I just had a bad dream. I feel as if this was a call to begin blogging. I dont know where to begin, I want to express the revelations I have had over the past 19 days spent in South Korea. They were spent with the most amazing group I have ever been blessed to be apart of - Azusa Pacific Mens Chorale.

I suppose I should start witht the dream; There were many random dreams that didn't really mean anything, then, I switched to being in a skate shop. I was surrounded by highschool students and said to myself "man I missed out in my youth, I miss being young". I  grabbed my skate board and walked out of the shop into the night, which is funny because I cant skate to save my life. After getting to my car in a somewhat chipper mood I threw the skateboard into the passenger seat and walked around to the driver side. However, I looked at the road in front of me, only to be confronted by a shadowy figure walking toward me, that, looked like a thug. I began to panic and say to myself (oh shit, oh shit, oh holy shit), and woke up. At first I didn't really think this dream was of any significance, because I have bizarre nightmares from time to time due to the food I eat before bed. Yet, in truth, this dream pertains to some of my greatest fears and also a dangerous life theme, that, I sense is currently taking strong root in my spiritual life and physical life.

The skate shop and what I said inside it represents the decisions I am actually making in real life. Many of which were sacrifices for my academics and future career. Some were out of arrogance and fear. It represents the fact I have abandoned all of my friends and community, thus put myself into to a place that requires me to think long and hard about these decisions. The dark shadowy figure represents the enemy that wants to continue moving me away from the truth and truth bearing community. It also represents the danger of the decisions I am making, the danger of being alone and without friends or community. The enemy wants me to dwell in fear, self hatred, and do things for respect, rather then be the person I am, which is something I was made aware of while on choir tour. However this is but one lesson I learned on choir tour. In retrospect there were many lessons, many truths, and many moments where I felt God reaching out directly to me.

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Twenty four hours before we were all supposed to leave for Korea our choir president sent out an email, which stated Harold (our choir director) was in the hospital and experiencing renal failure. It was the biggest shock anyone could have possibly experienced aside from a loved one  passing away. There were questions shuffling around such as "is tour canceled?", "what does this mean spiritually?", "what does this mean for the group?" etc. Harold was perfectly fine two days earlier. The following day everyone showed up in the music building's parking lot with their luggage because tour was still a green light. The dean of music along with the vice president of the school greeted everyone and additional information surfaced: the only reason that Harold was taken to the hospital, was, because he had a routine checkup. Doctors did blood work and it showed that his kidneys were functioning at 6 percent. If Harold had went to Korea he would have most likly died.

After loading all of our luggage the choir circled up in the parking lot. Choir members stood on the inside while family members and friends stood on the outside. We opened in prayer for the trip and the dean along with the Vice present gave a short commencement speech. We left shortly after. The whole experience was 24 hours after finals were over, so no one really had any time to decompress from school or other stresses already taking place in their life. Even so, the bus ride to LAX was enjoyable. When we arrived at LAX it finally set in that I was actually on my way to another country. The entire year prior it just felt like a hope, a wish, a impossibility, something so unreal I couldn't possibly expect it to actually take place. Now, I regret feeling this way about the trip and have taken it as a lesson among many others: I need to have more faith, truth, love, and believe in things that seem unlikely to come through. I need to stop playing it safe, I need to embrace God's plan.

After arriving at the airport all of us boarded the plane, which was a Boeing 747 400 series. The group was allowed to all sit together, so we took up the entire back section of the aircraft. The plane provided movies and basic entertainment and so everyone was fairly quiet. Many people fell asleep. Toward the end of our journey our president announced we would be singing two songs, and so we opened up in song once the hit the tarmatt in South Korea. After getting into the terminal we went through customers and were greeted by a huge Korean Banner! It was a shock to many of the guys, and the beginning of what we would end up experiencing on the entire trip - fame. Pictures were taken in front of the banner and then many of the guys went to get their currency exchanged. I walked over to a small shop to buy a bottle of water and got my first purchasing experience. The shop owner didn't speak english, but used hand gestures and was very polite.

While on the bus driving toward our hotel I was amazed by the city, there were huge buildings everywhere and trees covered the landscape. When we arrived at the hotel it was dark outside. After getting off the bus all of us met up in the lobby and our president addressed the choir, telling us our rooms and call time. When everyone unloaded their luggage they moved to the 5th floor, which is where all of us stayed. By the end of the night the 5th floor was a dorm hall, all the doors were open, people were walking in and out of each others rooms, and it remained this way for most of our trip. It was an awesome experience because when I transfered to APU I missed out on the freshmen experience of living in a dorm. It was like God crammed that year long experience everyone normally goes through into one whole week! There was also another guy in the choir who felt the same way. I could not have possibly asked for a better experience while staying there.

The following morning everyone woke up pretty early and met in the main lobby. We had our first Korean style breakfast, which had rice, qual eggs, kimchi, and some spicy sauce. I remember feeling tired and a little jet lagged, but the food wasn't bad, and everyone seemed to be equally awake. I remember sitting on the floor eating, thinking that it was unbelievable we had made it, and I was excited even while being tired, which rarely happens. We didn't have a concert the first day, instead the bus took us downtown and we were free to explore a market. I couldn't stop taking pictures, everything was so clean, and beautiful, and unique. The shops were small with store owners standing outside holding signs, and the streets were crammed with people. There were even small cart venders selling fried foods and other snacks. I also noticed there were no public trash cans.

All of us broke up into groups after getting to the center of the market. I went with one of my favorite friends, Nick Smith, and my room mate, Matt Lindsley. We roamed around the streets checking out as many shops as possible. After walking around for about 3-4 hours we went to find a place to eat, and finally settled on a restaurant that was in a small upstairs balcony. It was a place where you choose the meat you want to purchase and then you cook it yourself, a new concept I had never encountered before. The waiter brought us various sauces, spices, and things to add into the meat while it was cooking. It was a little pricy, but totally worth the experience. Me and Nick shared a plate of beef and Matt bought some spicy soup. After we finished eating we walked over to get ice cream from this place that was selling it inside long tubes of rice stuff, Matt ended up nick naming them something I cant repeat. We also checked out a book store, and met up with the other guys.

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During the tour we were also blessed to sing at a radio station, and we visited the Demilitarized zone. The trip really renewed a level of spirituality and joy that I hadn't experienced in awhile. It was amazing to feel the privilege of touring another country, experiencing deep bond's between my fellow brothers, However most memorable, was singing at the universities and high schools. Students seemed to eager to hear our music. Some of them even held signs with our names on them.

In short, it was an experience I will never forget.

Entry Sixty Two: Year Of Changes

I survived the supposed 2012 Mayan Apocalypse and I survived another year of school in 2013. It is now 2014 and I have one more year left before finishing my degree. There are a few significant changes that have taken place in my life, there are also a lack of changes that have taken place in my life, and thus resulting in serious revelations. Im not sure where to really begin this blog post, but I suppose, I should state that im feeling a little depressed. The first couple things that comes to mind are my major, my friends, my family, and my future.

I have spent three semesters pursuing this political science major. Now, the monotonous professors I have been forced to put up with are beginning to take a serious toll on my well being and general attitude. I transferred to the school with a 3.0 GPA and maintained it until I began taking my upper division courses: international relations, history of terrorism, constitutional law, research & writing. This gradual slide into a 2.8GPA wasn't because I didn't understand the material, or because I wasn't interested in the classes. It was because of the immense amount of work, that was being solely used, for, memorization and regurgitation. I never expected learning about such a philosophical and complex subject to be so marginalized, by a teaching style, that, treats the knowledge as memorizable data. My papers are also religiously analyzed to make sure that I use boring words and phraseology. For example, I have to use "destroyed" instead of "obliterated" when talking about battles, or "determined" instead of "ambitious" when talking about various leaders.

The only motivator that continues to energize me while pursuing this major, is the immense opportunity which comes with it. My major has given me access to work with people who are currently in office and help out with campaigns. Last year I interned with an assemblyman, which allowed me to meet some people who work in the public sector. As a result, I have been asked to be a board secretary for a charter club in Riverside: I am invited to attend national conventions, meet politicians and business professionals from around the country. With all of these opportunities opening up, I will soon be interning for a congressman and get school credit, which is awesome. Probably most rewarding out of all of these great experiences, has been, getting to know people who think a similar way that I do: analytical, forward, persistent, and enjoy bantering about national powers and serious subjects, instead of other things like the bachelorette or mtv. My habit of reading the news every morning right when I wake up doesn't feel culturally awkward anymore. 

Now, speaking of friends, this semester has brought a lot of change. First, one of my room mates dropped out of school, because he was having some emotional problems and needed to take a break. Second, I have dropped a lot of people I used to hang out with, because my focus has become productivity and professionally, while their lives have not. I officially left my bible study group, and I am making an oath to move on. I need to begin looking for people who are going to act by deed rather then word. Part of this moving on is also getting into therapy to help me deal with some social problems I noticed. I have a hard time identifying individuals whom are going to let me invest in them, and who are going to also invest in me. However, also want to ensure my social behavior doesn't becomes a habit of business, where relationships are calculated. Most importantly, I have some serious emotional reservations about dating, which I just become aware of recently: they need to be resolved.

Speaking of relationships, I was on Facebook a couple days ago, and I jokingly posted: "2013 and 2014 will be the two years I remember all my friends getting engaged or married". It is bewildering how many of my friends are getting into committed... situations. Last summer I attended two weddings and one over winter break, which I thought was a lot. Since last summer I have made almost no progress in obtaining a relationship of my own. This summer I expect to attend at least 5-6 weddings, one of them being my room mate's. It's not so much depressing as it is frustrating. People often tell me that they just found each other, either in class, or in church, or at an event, or some friend introduced them. It's frustrating that this kind of "oh hi future wife" hasn't happened to me yet, #firstworldproblems. Then again, as I noted earlier, I need to work through some childhood traumas' and emotional things before I can take dating seriously. The last thing I want is to find someone I care about, fall in love, and then get my heart broken due to lack of preparation. 

Now, as for family, I hate the idea that school and work take me so far away from my parents. The stress of being on campus keeps me from finding the space I need, to get the energy I need, to spend time with either my mother or my father. This is also the case with my friends, but it bothers me more regarding family, because I want to spend as much time as I can with them before their age catches up. My mother and my father are growing older, and I want to ensure I get the best years with them. I wish I could go to the beach, the movies, etc, and spend more quality time with them now. I worry "what if I graduate, work where I never see them, then they turned 80 and we can only play cards".

This then leads me to think about my future. I have no idea what God has in store for me, im drawing a total blank: "will I fail next semester", "will I find my wife senior year", "will I graduate on time", "will I find good paying job", "should I run for public office", "should I invest in retirement or a new car". I believe there is plenty of doors around me, I just have to find them. Likewise, there are plenty of traps around me, and I have to be weary of them. When I find them, I have to ask God and it's this part I am really struggling with. My faith, recently, has been on a freaking roller coaster of death. I have so much uneasiness, regarding my beliefs, my idea of God, and its been driving me crazy.

Lastly, this summer I will be going on a choir tour to Korea. When I return, I may be working at a church part time, and I am very hopeful, because more doors could open up, more things could get done, and I may grow in more ways. In basic summery, there is a lot of chaos going on right now, but there is equally a lot of potential. My heart has perhaps become a little colder, but this is one stage of a reaction when maturing, and I am confident it will warm up. Im in constant prayer that nothing horrible happens, and that my identity is not lost in the world. I just need to continue taking one day at a time, and continue taking those needed momments to unwind after a long day. 

Entry Sixty One: Many Things To Say

I feel a little stupid for not keeping up with this blog, for some reason blogging has been put on the back of my priority list. There is so much to to say and explain since the last post. Summer is long gone and now i'm close to finishing my first semester back at school, the information gap is huge. Perhaps trying to summarize chronologically would be best...  let me just start by saying this year's been phenomenal, even with its bumps and pains, I dare say its been magical in some ways.

As I mentioned in my last post, summer was fantastic, all my plans happened to roll out as I hoped they would, I found a job, and I was blessed by working as a summer camp counselor. The learning experience was unexplainable, there were days when I thought my sanity would be lost but then many moments where all the tribulations were well worth it. For example, I had kids during teen week who didn't want to open up, participate, or even talk to each other. At first I was frustrated and a little annoyed, but I didn't know, I didn't know that one of them had been in foster care since he was three, moving a total of 21 times, and 4 times in one year. All he wanted was to stay in one place, have a foundation, make friends, and no longer fear that he would be plucked up and moved again for unknown reasons. I didn't know one of my kids had a dad in jail, feared he was becoming like his father, and feared God would abandon him. This teen wanted to make enough money so that one day he could provide everything for his mom and sister, which told me he is nothing like his father, and I was able to assure him. I didn't know I had a kid who had spent most of his life in foster care because his mother was addicted to drugs and his father was abusive. I didn't know I had a kid who's family immigrated from Mexico and feels out of place, who just wants his parents to be more reasonable and adapt to the culture, such as not buy him tools and work items for Christmas. I was blessed to hear their life stories as each of them asked for prayer during dedication night. Even after camp commitment we stayed up till 12:00 talking in the bunk house and getting to know each other  We talked about parents  family, pasts, friends, favorite foods, cars, dreams, favorite movies, and DaJa-Vu. 

During summer I was also to see my cousin Megan Woods get married. It was a very emotional event, as during the wedding my head was bombarded with flashes of memory. Being close in age, when we were kids, our parents made us do practically everything together - including baths. When I looked back and saw how far she had come, how old she had gotten, it was just amazing. It sure made me feel old, and it made me really think about my life. It was actually a very difficult, because I felt awfully displaced. While I was up at my uncles house for that weekend, I also noticed they painted and redecorated, which was another large shock, because in that house I had a plethora of good memories, many of them came about before my parents divorce. So, I guess, the easiest thing to say, is it was wonderful but also hard having to experience so many changes in one short period of time. It was so encompassing that I felt a sense of magic in the air. Experiencing so much in such a short period of time caused me to feel things I have never really felt before, see things I never saw before, such as entirely new level of appreciation for whats around me. I appreciated my family so much, I appreciated the harmony I felt being around them. I appreciated the beauty that was in my uncles back yard, I appreciated the cool breeze in the air, the smell of good food, and the sound of upbeat music. The entire atmosphere was just divine. I think, if I had to choose to re-live something for the rest of my life it would be that weekend. My cousins are the closest thing I have to siblings, and my uncle's and aunt's are the closest thing I have to God honoring and relational mentors. I love all of them so much!

After leaving camp I had the rest of the summer to Enjoy. Megan's wedding was just one miraculous event, I was also blessed to spend time with my uncle and aunt up at shaver lake. I spent about 4-5 days at their cabin, and it was so relaxing. It was the third year of me being able to go up with them on vacation  Looking back I feel as if God spoiled me, giving me so much wonder and joy in just one summer. Being able to wake up and look out their back window to the view of endless mountains, a giant valley, and beautiful trees was just breath taking. I felt the presence of God at that cabin and it was so comforting. It was also nice spending time with my cousins, playing video games, catching up a little bit, but most of all, just being able to be idle and rest. However, we also went out to the lake a couple times and that was amazing too. My uncle rented jet skies and we rode around for a couple hours one day, then the next day most of our time was just spent sun bathing and relaxing. I felt so privileged and so blessed. I truly believe, without family, I would never be able to experience such joy and happiness,  or be able to experience such peace. When I see my family its as if time turns back, and I find my roots again, I realize who I am, and where I come from. I remember what the values of my heart are, the morals of my heritage, and the character of my grandparents as it continues to be lived out in my uncle and aunt. Driving home from these vacations is always the most difficult, but the also the time I feel closest to God. I am given such a load of joy to carry and reflect on. In fact, now that I think of it Anytime I go up north to see family and come back, its as if the Lord is bringing to a really new place. 

School started shortly after returning form my uncles cabin, and I have been in it ever since. It's my third year here at APU, which is something I never truly expected. Truly, I expected to fail, because my entire academic career up until Azusa Pacific University was something that told me I was a failure. Yet, now that I am finishing up with my first semester of this third year. Sure, I had a couple bumps along the way, as I dropped out of my German class thinking it wouldn't be survivable, worrying all the time I spent on it would hinder me in other classes, but now I question whether or not that was the wisest of ideas. I also went through midterms week and got some pretty bad results back, which made me panic further, but now I feel alright. This past weekend I had to go up North again, because my Uncle David passed away, it was a break from the chaos down here, but it also brought about a new kind of chaos, one that I needed. The Lord really rocked my world, I was thrown into a emotional roller coaster, but it was a good one. Like Megan's wedding, it made me think about life. It made me appreciate my family, appreciate my uncle's and aunt's. It also made me truly value my grandma, and think about what it would be like if she were gone. This in turn made me miss my grandpa, which was the hardest thing to think about and endure.  It made me think about where I was spiritually, where my heart was investing itself, and it made me draw closer to God. When I returned from the trip I spent the night at my grandmas, on the couch I grew up sleeping on.

I laid on that couch for a couple hours reflecting on the hundreds of other times I spent the night at my grandmas house. I could even remember the times when I was afraid of the dark. While laying down, while lost in thoughts and memories, I had moments of crying, moments of pleading with God, moments when everything just fell out flopping all over the place. My heart was on that couch just sitting there, open, and vulnerable, pleading to God, pleading over silly things and over huge things. Some of it was wishing for a different life, thinking about my past, and then some of it was appreciating what I had and thanking God for his mercy and Grace. It was a place, and a thing, and a experience that hasn't happened in far too long. I really haven't had much to complain about, I haven't had too much to worry about, nothing other then school, and as a result I haven't spent as much time with my heart out on the floor with God. While being in school its been hard going to church, its been hard keeping connected with friends who spiritually grow me, yet, God has remained my God. It has been much easier for me to speak with and worship Him, I just wish it was more consistent  It seems that being on my third year here, God has become my best friend, my source of comfort and affirmation, and I have dropped the idea of getting these things from people. Yet, my life doesn't revolve around God in the same way it used to a couple years ago, and it worries me. Should it worry me? I think the best thing to do at this point is continue pushing on. I trust God

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