Entry Sixteen: Christmas is almost over.

Well its 30 minutes until christmas is officially over. Today was pretty good! Sadly I was sick, but I did get everything I wanted - and more! I had christmas eve at my grandmas house on my fathers side, I got a new flight log and some money from family. The next morning (christmas) I spent at my other grandmas with mom. I was a little nerves going there, I really don't want to get them sick. Ill have to wait a few days before hearing if she did or not.

My grandpas was also there, it was nice seeing him. I can still recall all the memories, all the time we spent together when I was a kid. He taught me so much, like all grandpas do, but he was special, he was and still is a pastor. I am so proud that he was apart of my life. There is one kind memory which I never shall forget, the bikes rides he used to take me on. He would ride me around the block and we would talk for hours, questions would spill out of my mouth, he returned them with answers. I wish I could still hold full conversations with him, but his alzheimer's wont allow it. Im very glad I got to spend another christmas with him. The only thing that makes me sad is I forgot to get him something for christmas. I got my grandmas a John Wayne collection on DVD, I guess both of them can enjoy it.

My mother put so many presents under the tree! There were lots of great gifts waiting to be opened, I got a blanket from my grandma, a few really nice shirts! And From my mom the aviation flight bag I really wanted! I got my mom a snuggie and a dvd, she already had it though so I think shes going to return it. I got robert a few DVDs too, he can be a little picky when it coms to movies but I think he liked them. Oh and I forgot to mention earlier, on christmas eve I got my dad a really nice audio headset for work, thats all he said he wanted. Overall this christmas was just great!

Its now 11:40, I cant believe christmas is almost up. I was downloading some old pictures from my phone to my mac and also browsed through my library. I still have the photos from last christmas and it feels like they were taken only yesterday. I remember as a kid my parents used to use that phrase "it feels like it was only yesterday" or "I remember that like it was yesterday". Im starting to use that phrase more and more as the years go by.

Before writing this I finally got to read some of the good old word, I read the book of wisdom. Only a few pages though, it made me cry a little, with sadness and with joy. This earth is so mind boggling. In all its complexions and confusion the only thing I can find peace in is god, the distant, the vast.

I will finally be clean, I will finally be good and perfect in the eyes of god. I will no longer sit at night, questioning my every day inabilites, nor will I feel shameful for my mistakes. I will no longer be lonely nor empty. I will be filled with pools of love. Best of all, my mind will be purified, because as of right now its a swamp.

It will be like waking up on christmas morning when my parents were still together. The ones where I woke up filled with an overwhelming joy and excitement. When life was perfect and all things, were right. I specifically remember this one christmas when I was playing with a toy remote control car with my dad, and I remember my mother smiling and watching us both. I also have other memories of us decorating the tree, me climbing under it, and me playing with the playmobile train we used to set up.

When that time comes I will give god a hug, my dad a hug and give my mother a hug and kiss. I will run to the tree and dance in front of it singing hallelujah. Oh what a hopeful and wondrous idea, what a peaceful though, it makes me cry. These Christmas's, the days of reflection, the days of delight.

Until Next year! Merry christmas!

Entry Fifteen: Its Christmas Eve!

Well today is almost the day, christmas eve. I am utterly speechless because so much has happened. I cant recall how many posts I have started with that sentence, but even though its said often it cant be truer then it is now. I came out alive with that car accident and finally paid it off. I didn't really get to save up much money though. I still am a little bothered by that. At least I was able to buy christmas presents for my family. And I should be getting two more paychecks before sessional is over. WIth that.. oh do I have plans!

Working at Best Buy has come with some great perks, the discounts are just mind-blowing. Not to mention the mark up on products, that is even more insane. It would be nice to be on commission, because with the amount of sales I put out the door daily I could me making some big bills! Especially because of mac, I love selling that stuff. My entire family owns a mac every man women and child. So showing customers our get togethers is always a kick. Last thanksgiving we put all 14 of our macs on a table and took pictures. Its a probably the most amazing selling tool I have, the best part is I only have it!

I wasn't able to get my dad that robot vacuum. He found out about it and demanded I spend the money on more important things. Instead I decided to get him a really nice pair of headphones, for an even nicer price "Discount". I also found his favorite movie, Top gun. As for my mom I actually was able to get here a few nice things. I bought a snuggie and some dvds, and a message from my church on Cd. I think whats on it will really bring her spirits up! I know this christmas is going to be one to remember.

Entry Fourteen: Christmas plans

I spoke of christmas last, and I am still super excited. Today I decided what I would be buying my dad. I want to get him a robotic vacumme because he has some crazy cleaning habits. Each saturday he wakes up at 6 to go downstairs and clean the floors, kitchen, and Den. I wish they were a tad cheeper. If it wasn't for my car accident I would be able buy great gifts for both of my parents, and finance them on my own. Thankfully my grandma and uncle will also be pitching in, so it will be one giant git from all of us.

I think he will really enjoy it. I know I will, this will take such a huge burden off him and I can finally spend some more father son time, instead of getting pissed for waking me up with the noise. He might for once, be able to sleep in and enjoy a little more of life. I haven't decided which model to get but I am thinking of the Roomba 510 or the Neat0 XL11. I would get the Neat0 but that would mean saving up more cash, would mean waiting until after christmas.

I think if I can get him into robots, I would be giving him more then just a free saturday morning, but a huge finical freedom. Once he realizes some of there uses, he can start cutting back on our home service's (housekeepers / Gardeners). Maybe next christmas I will I can save up, and have enough money to buy him a robotic lawn mower. Now that I have a job I can finally start creating some home improvements. But this is going to of course be on my back burner, I have more important things to deal with then "improvements", I have school and my flight training.

Now I still haven't figured out what to get my mom. I was thinking something for there future pet, or perhaps a few giftcards to Star Bucks. I would give more but.... well I am not trying to be bias towards my father but he is just... well, he pays for my car insurance and gives me a free place to stay. So I think the least I can do is give him a good christmas gift. Not to say my mother doesn't do anything, she loves me tremendously and would if she could, I know that for a fact. Ugh, these kinda decisions are so frustrating.

I wish I was just in my career and making the big money so I could start spending it on others now hahaha. If I was to make bUkoo bucks then I certainly wouldn't keep it all to myself thats selfish. Its funny how people like me never win the lottery, the world would be a much better place - seriously. The only people I know that this happened to is that couple in the trailer park. They gave the whole 20million to charity and just used a small portion to buy a new TV. Thats intense....

Entry Thirteen: Accident is finally paid off.

Its been awhile sense I logged something.

It has been three weeks sense my car accident. Three days ago I made face to face contact with the other vehicle owner, he handed me the estimate for the car and things began to move. We agreed on a payment plan consisting of two weeks. I already have his first payment but organizing the exchange has been difficult. For some reason finding a day we are both available has become like a mission. The last day we set on was this tuesday, hopefully nothing comes up which will interfere.

Thankfully, these recent mountains have been bulldozed. I was worried for my new job, and how this car accident would put even more stress on finances. But money is beginning to flow in again. Although I haven't put anything towards flying, I am not overtly worried. I got my card paid off - with no interest! Also, tonight I was given an opportunity to make some extra cash. A friend of mine is willing to pay me for helping her wash airplanes. I am so excited, this great news has lifted my mood tremendously!

Hmmm what else... CHRISTMAS!
I cant believe my eyes when looking at the calendar. Its just mind blowing to think the year has already almost passed. Don't get me wrong, christmas is my favorite time of year, I wish it would stay longer! I still recall last year perfectly. I went up north to visit my cousins all on my own. It was such an awesome experience.

I do especially love the decorations and sessional cheer. Last sunday I went to my church (says in a proud and cheerful voice) and watched the tree lighting. Something about that place is almost magical. I look forward to this month and hope that all of it is storied well within my memories. I do not want to forget the things that have been unraveling and the good that has been accruing. I have grown so much this year its amazing. Even with the unfortunate events that continue to be thrown my.

Speaking of good, something just came to mind. Last night I attended my college group again. At first the decision was made to meet at our leaders house, but then his father pushed us to go somewhere else. I put up the offer of going to my place but that was discarded. We settled on dell taco and had a pretty good time. The discussions were slightly acward due to the seating configuration but even so, the laughs were still heard.


Tomorrow is my Safety and Human Factors final, I should probably get to bed...

Entry Twelve: Working on Black Friday.

Work.

Today was black friday. I worked from 11:00a to about 8:45p. It was the longest shift I have been given, it must mean I am getting better. I have been struggling with the cash register. Best buy has so many applications and software and things to process. It is defiantly a learning curve... and makes selling more difficult. I think they are keeping me on because of my sales. I am doing quiet well at pitching and getting customers to buy. I sold 6.8k today which I think was the highest all month, I broke my own record.

For someone who has never worked retail I have to assume today went well. I really do hope they keep me on past sessional, I love working there. Its like being a kid working at Toys R Us. For someone whose 20, working at best buy is a blast! My Co workers are so much fun and the customers so intelligent. There were a few times I got caught off guard, the questions they ask are really good. I like that, I see it as a challenge.

Once I get this gig completely down I hope to start training to become a supervisor. Altough I don't know if I would actually become one, it would look great on my resume though. It would also qualify me for more job opportunities. Maybe after working for a few more years I could upgrade and do some sort of management at Ontario airport. Maybe I am thinking too far ahead....

I would love to type more but I must get sleep.
ill add later.

Entry Elevn: Thanksgiving

It feels like it has been two weeks sense the accident. I can still remember it all, I was so worried and mad and furious at god for what happened.

No good news came today nor yesterday but for a number of other reasons I feel relived. Thanksgiving was yesterday and it was quiet fun. I absolutely love seeing my distant family, I love each and everyone of them. If I could or was allowed to, I would try and move in with my Aunt, she has such a wonderful home.

Actually both of them do, in different ways both are special. One house is out in a quiet town with a huge lot and beautiful view. The other is just, bluntly, huge!!! I always feel so proud when around them. Even though there accomplishments are not mine, they are genetically and spiritually related. Which must mean that my future, if I put my mind to it, is just as bright.

Christmas and summer are also great times we spend together. Each holds a special place for certain reasons. On christmas I get to spend the night at one of my aunts houses, and all the family does as well. Its like one giant slumber party - quiet amazing. And during the summer we occasionally all stay at the beach house. Which is equally cool, great view, large space, and plenty of good memories.

What I like the most about thanksgiving, aside from what I learned this year and the things I always realize, is the amazing Lan partys we put together. Our family is elite (chukles), we all own macs. For the past three years we have been hooking them up, adding more each year, and playing COD4. Its awesome seeing your two uncles, aunt, and 10 cussing playing the same game. This year we had 11 macs hooked up, 3 imacs and 8 macbook pros.

What I learned this thanksgiving, truly, is what I am thankfully for. I mean each year my eyes are opened little by little. But this year, being 20 it feels like they were punched open. For one, responsibility - normally at 20 years old you work full time, go to school, and try to pay for a majority of your own things. At least in my family this is how it goes, even though my uncle and aunts are finically set for life and perfectly capable of providing them, they prefer ti push there kids to be independent.

All of my cousins are older then me, except for two, only by a few years. In the past I always put myself down for not working hard enough, or not being smart enough, or doing enough. All of them seemed so perfect. Yet now, they look well... normal, and sometimes quiet sad. They have so much to worry about and carry on there shoulders, at such a young age they are almost to independent.

I have a majority of the things they do because my parents supplied them to me. For the longest time I never realized how special that was. I am not a failure for not getting these things on my own - something I thought I was before. I also realized how great my parents were, I somtimes thought they did a horrible job of raising me. But after hearing my mothers speech on thanksgiving about school, it completely changed.

(I am so thankful for my classroom) She basically explained all the many things dealt with over the year. She is a kindergarden teacher, she had a girl with no arms who she helped, boys who were beaten at home, and girls who were "uneducated". She commutes to work in LA, near the more dangerous and poor areas. The stories she told made some of the family want to cry, I already heard them and grew used to them.

After seeing the reaction from the families face, it made me feel so proud. My mother has such a great heart and gives so much and trys so hard. Although she doesn't make a large sum of money each year like the others, she has qualities they do not, and a very rare and special heart. I really have been blessed with the best of both worlds.

I could not have a better view. I feel like I am on center field, just sitting and observing the qualities of two teams, actually four. This in itself is a blessing, not many people are exposed so strongly to upper, middle, and lower, classes - and EVERYTHING that goes along without them. Normally you only see one or two, but never all three.

I am also blessed spiritually, because my grandpa was a pastor and his blessings have passed down onto his children and onto his grandchildren. My entire mothers side of the family is blessed and this makes me glad. I never really was able to understand how rare this was until being exposed this year, to people and places I never saw or was aware of. I have visited quiet a few churches and seen a few families, but never seen one so well put together and organized as ours. One with such open arms, hearts, and abundant wealth.

Experiencing all this has just been a wonder and completely changed the outcome of this year. God intervened, when my life was going down and I was mad, he steered me to the people who love me most, and completely turned my perspective right side up. I honestly cant imagine what more this year will bring.

Entry Ten: My life just went off balance

The scale has changed, what was vertical is now horizontal, what was the moon is now earth. Everything in my life has taken a step in the opposite direction. These two past weeks have been horrendous. I had the car accident last week, then yesterday found that my radiator might be cracked, and today I forgot to attend a very important study group for Finals.

I also missed church, at first I couldn't stop beating myself up over it. But maybe I wasn't supposed to go, I guess thats my excuse now.

I wish things would just stay "good", I don't really know what has made the tide turn. Perhaps my lure back into video games. I took my computer out of the closet about a week ago and played for an hour. And later I got another free trial for Eve-online. This is a game that took a very large amount of my youth. When I was in high school freshman and junior year. It sucked my soul away from me, like world of warcraft can do to children.

Its beginning to take hold of me again. I could have made it to my study group onetime and get work done, if I didn't log on.

I guess I should in a way be thankful, or at least find a way to make this a glass half full rather then empty. At least my addiction isn't physically harmful, just mentally and timely. Never the less, it is still a problem, a very serious and even dangerous problem. I wasted my highschool life, which to be honest isn't a huge deal. Sure I could have put my time towards learning other skills, but the point is I am in college now.

Looking back at my previous posts.... it began to take hold of me before I even knew. This just shows how problematic and serious it really is. I must find a way to vanquish this thirst once and for all... or find it a muzzle. I don't want to do anything rash though... I already learned that lesson once trying to fix something else...

I know this is just a shift in the current and it will return to normal soon, or at least I hope. Ninety percent of the time no major damage is done, I will just have to see what this all turns into. When I do, I will post again and then recall what has changed, along with the growth that has hopefully accuread.

Entry Nine: Some acidental damage... (automobile)

I got into a car accident tonight.

I am f&^king pissed, I had such a wonderful day, a marvelous day. I slept in to about 10:00. I got a few messages from my friends, surfed the web, and created my own ring tone - which I believe came out "pro". I met my grandma for breakfast, left to grab something else to eat, came home and watched some tv, did some reading, and then left for class.

Had Safty and human factors (HOW IRONIC? I KNOW!) with Tom. Because he was there I Stayed an extra hour to talk. He is a substitute professor who also works for Delta airlines. Spoke with him about things I was worried about, specifically my private pilot oral exam. That, and future exams. We walked out to his car and he explained to me what he did when taking his ATP exam. He told me the tests are a breeze, he laid them out and explained the process. I left confident, expecting to head home and end the day on a wonderful note.

Then what happens? Well, I started putting together a checklist of things I need to do by the end of the week. I got in my car, pull out of the parking lot, and stopped at a red light. I pick up my phone to finish the list, the light turned green, and I looked up. The two people in front of me begin to roll, the first guy begins his right turn, I look back down to place my phone away, and then almost magically hit the second guy, the person in front of me.

It makes absolutely no sense, there is no logical reason. Why that night, why at all? Its almost like there was no avoiding it, gods work. But why, god didn't turn this into anything good or make it a "useful" trial, didn't "teach me a lesson". For the last month and a half I have been trying so hard to improve who I am. I started going to church none stop, started going to college group, been listening to my bible in the car (audio CD). What more do I have to do in order to get ahead in life?

There was no one on the cross walk, no cars making a left hand turn into the first guys lane, when I glanced at the light it was BRIGHT GREEN. I guess he just stopped due to fear of cameras and obvious idiocy. Its not one of those situations where you say (oh no I could have avoided that), no its like driving down a dark unlit road and hitting a dear, you never saw it coming and there was stopping it from happening.

I admit people make mistakes, we make small mistakes every day. But a good majority of these mistakes never turn into anything major. Maybe I should have never picked up my phone? Then again it was a green light, I cant count the times I grabbed a water bottle, picked up a banana, threw plastic a cup on the floor, or anything else that moved my attention from the road awhile starting to roll at a green light. However in all those incidents nothing ever happened, but for some unholy reason today that had to be different.

The only thing that came from this was a mind trip, doubt, and anger. Nothing good... absolutely nothing good. My father was aggravated - upset/manic. My insurance is probably going to go up. Meaning I may no longer be able to drive. Which means the job I JUST got at Bestbuy is now in jeopardy. My schooling and flight training are also at stake. I no longer can afford to buy christmas presents, but instead get to fix my car that was originally in perfect condition.

This is no small dilemma. It will have and I already is, having a rippling affect far into my future. Because of this I will again be waiting to fly due to cost, I will have less money to spend on food, and I have a small decrease in my chances of being let on at any aviation related company - now due to my driving record. It overall slows down my life, not by a few miles per hour but more like sixty. Does an explanation even exist? My mind is just twirling, I want a real reason as to how something like this can be justified.

Is fate a reality? Does this sort of thing just happen because it can? I spoke with my mom and she tried (in her own way make sense of it) explaining that I just need to have faith in god, and he controls everything. I argued: If thats the case then why the hell did this happen in the first place, what did I do to deserve this? She replied with: You should be thankful you am not dead. I replied: I would much rather be dead, at least this kinda crap doesn't happen in heaven. She became quiet mad and our conversation became an even bigger argument.

It continued with: God should have kept me safe, why did this happen?. She replied with: Tyler god does not control you, nor the man who was turning, or anyone else. I then replied with: Oh, so then I am supposed to be agnostic? At this point she just hung up, but called me a few minutes later to apologize. Just to be clear I am Christian, but I do have some huge doubts about religion. Sometimes I wonder if this realm were in is just one giant social experiment. A SIMS game with never ending complexity, thing to discover, and people to explore.

Is god Bipolar? I have been told and believe he is loving, and that these kinda things can just be tests. A "good" rattling to the foundation of faith. Now, that may sound great to a degree, I can always use some sort of criticism or trial. However I don't think this falls into that category, its more like slow torture. The boy burning ants with a magnifying glass... really comes to mind.

Side Note: This plays no reflection on my spirit... I think this thinking is just circumstantial.... I mean considering what happened.

The only thing I learned is everything seems to be set in stone. You try your best for things to not happen, play it reasonably safe, but shit hits the fan regardless. At the smallest level, the tinniest change can affect your future (like making a checklist). A change so small that you will never detect it. Therefore, it will never be possible to avoid or alter - hence it set in stone.

Complete sanity, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense!!!!

Entry Eight: Finally went flying

Today couldn't have started any better! It has been over a month sense I have been up, for any pilot that is a LONG time. I scheduled for monday but unfortunately due to weather it was canceled. Also due to construction on 26L, night flights have been canceled. Not that it really maters though, Im not ready to fly at night. However it did ruin my ability to call friends and "plan" spontaneously for a NF.

Today was my 6th lesson?.... yeah, 6th, and now I have 7.5 hours logged. Overall, it went quiet well. The pre flight was... bad, but, thats because I haven't done one in over 3 weeks, also we had a new airplane. Another thing I must work on is the checklists, I have a bad habit of doing things by memory. Which of course is horrible, because I am statistically guaranteed mess up.

We did a 5 minute review of what we did last month (which was a total breeze and I passed), then moved onto new material - Slow flight, and prep for stalls. The one thing I can gloriously proclaim, is that I know how to fly the damn plane. All thanks to genes and gods great plane, it came pre-installed.

The only thing my instructor commented on during our maneuvers was speed, I have a hard time slowing down my actions. Which he also said isn't a bad thing, in fact being fast with proficiency is a good quality to have for the airlines. But for passing the PPE (private pilot Exam) ill make the examiner nervous.

On our way back, around 8:45 the winds changed so we had to do a reverse landing on 8L rather then 26R. I was so excited because that RARELY happens. I also got to buzz some of the houses on approach (where Noise Abatement is normally instilled). I touched down by myself, it was good but I think could have been better.

After shut down, he commented that I have a great feel for the airplane, whatever Im taught I understand and absorb. For 6.5 hours I am far ahead of the game, for the actual flying. But regulations, process (checklists), and specs I still need to memorize and work on. Im not to worried though, that will all come with more reading. Im just glad that if theres a Zombie apocalypse or a Dirty bomb, I have the capability to fly away (well not legally) and escape.

Oh, and we have another lesson planned for this friday!! SO STOKED!!!!

Entry Seven: A good job opportunity?

I am not sure if this maters.... but I feel like blogging about it. I have been working towards a long lasting job for at least a cuple years. I have had odd jobs from here and there, and the occasional "opportunity", but thats all it remained... an opportunity. Most of the places I began to work out of were dead end jobs, no corporate ladder to climb, and just plainly miserable - so I quiet. Recently I believe that has all changed.

I had a dream along time ago, around the age of 16. It all took place at a coffee shop of some sort. There was a boy who looked very much like me at the counter, he was laughing with his co-workers and having a good time. Strangely, in my dream I began to envy him, and when I awoke I knew I had to become a burista. But it took a few years to build up enough determination to actually go out for it.

Around the age of 18 (when I acquired a car) the thought was still in the back of my mind, the search began to unravel. Time passed, to a day where I became determined to find a coffee related job. This uncontrollable drive took me to Pasadena, where I spent 8 hours looking for that shop. Unfortunately I never found it, I found a star bucks that was willing to higher me... but It just didn't feel right. My parents also didn't think it was the best decision, I didn't really think about the commute.

There was also a coffee shop by my house which I wanted to work at, it slightly resembled the one in my dream. I sent in an application during the summer, waited about 5 months, bothered them, bothered, them, and bothered them. I finally sent in a second application during mid spring the following year. Five weeks later I was on the job serving coffee, making sandwiches, and memorizing customer names - well I was trying too.

That was a great job but it didn't last very long. My multi tasking capabilities were minimum - at the time (this has sense changed). Meanwhile I was also picking up new hobbies in electronics, I finished building my own gaming computer and eventually that lead me to HAM radio... but I wasn't really able to pursue that very far due to cost. As a young teenager during my video game phase I always thought about working at a Game stop, or Best buy.

By weaving string into my past talents and time spent, I began to develop a much clearer picture of where I would like to work - especially after building my gaming BEAST. I was eventually drawn into our local Best Buy. I started playing squeaky wheel, which didn't work. I didn't lose complete hope though, instead I just left it to god, placing it on my back burner.

About a month later his unseen work began to become apparent. One average night, me and my dad decided to go out to Chillies. We sat down, began reading the menu, and then she walked over - our waiter. Little did I know at the time, she was a Best Buy supervisor. But thanks to my father and his unmatchable probing skills, it became visible. It immediately lead onto a query, then contact information.

Hope was regained! I finally had a contact who could or might... be able to get me in. Knowing this I furiously continued to contact her, using my squeaky wheel once again. After about 3 months it finally prevailed. I was interviewed via phone: passed, then in person: passed, and finally by the head manager: passed. It has been three weeks sense recruitment and I have worked a total of 16 hours.

I am really enjoying my job, in fact I am truly just in love with it. Its like a giant playground, almost like a sandbox. I also like the amount of knowledge I have picked up. In just 16 hours of on the clock learning, I gained a complete up to date understanding of my department. This is great, because the last time I picked up a PC magazine was when building my own. Getting back into the game of Technology feels good, plane and simple.

Also, another thing I enjoy about this job over my previous coffee one, is I can remain in control of the situation/transaction. People tell me what they want (not knowing whats the best), and I get to direct them. I feel like an educator versus a simple sales man or counter boy. Also, when signing on I found out were none commission, which was great. Being a used cars salesman, meeting deadlines, and keeping budget.... sucks.

It gets even better. Last night we had our all store meeting, in preparation of black friday. We broke up into departments and went over our expected sales rate, things to prepare for, and some new data plans and sales we will be putting up. But heres the best part, our store only has two mac specialist (people who are knowledgeable in the product, and qualified to sell it). But because I own a mac at home and have some experience with them, they want be to get certified.

I have already begun doing some of the online "courses", pretty easy stuff. If I get this done in time before the holiday ends, then there is a %95 chance that they will keep me past sessional. If this happens I can finally afford to continue my flight training. I will also be able to reap the benefits of a full time employee! With that, by the end of 2011 my house might be technologically up to par with the 21st century.

Entry Six: Concerns at midnight

I Cant sleep. Today went horribly wrong... actually for the past month and a half things have been going horribly wrong.
Side note: Maybe the world is coming to an end, from my observation of others in my age group, this generation is exstreamly "off.

I feel so lonely, its almost unbearable. Generally I am able to deal with solitude, in fact for the most part I prefer it. But of course I always had something or someone to fall back on. The problem is, that foundation is beginning to take on a new shape. I knew death existed, I knew things grew old (like my grandparents), I was very aware that nothing in this realm was permanent. However at the same time I never linked that phenomenon to people, specifically people I loved, and who loved me.

Perhaps I was in pure denial, yes, that makes it all work. When my family died "divorced" at age 10 I was devastated, no traumatized is a better word. I survived but there is no doubt in my mind... that apart of me died, or at least fell into a coma. It is still gone today, actually, I take that back, Its starting to awaken... just... very slowly.

Random statement: You can only kick a dog so many times before he will stop trying to get up.

During the beginning of it all, the first couple of months, my grandparents were the overseers. Thankfully they already raised 4 children, so they knew exactly what to do, and did quiet a good job of taking care of me. They were the first peace in a giant support network I secretly began putting together, actually I cant take credit. I believe god was the one who put it together.

During the middle, about 5 years into all of it, I got a first glimpse of the aging process. I began to very slowly, very subtly, see my grandparents getting old. Well, they were already old, and I was just 15, bursting with spunk, and deviance. Somewhere along that year my focus moved to friends, and people in my own age group. It was somewhat of a barrier, I didn't enjoy seeing the ones I loved change. They were still in my network, they were still family, but contacting them become less and less.

This was also a period where problems became more frequent. For the most part, they were my fault. I figured out were it was rooted - my friends and my choice in friends. But it was a huge growth experience, I never had many friendships at a young age. Much of what the "average" individual would learn... I didn't learn until later. Eight years after the divorce, and 12 years after my childhood.

Meanwhile I was also quiet close to my father. Aside from my grandparents, he was the backbone which kept me standing. I took a little from them, but most from him, and a whatever I could still take from my mother. When our family died, we became quiet close, well more then before. Fortunately ten years passed with only small bumps in our relationship and it continued to thrive.

He also dated much like my mother, but it didn't bother me as much, because everything was still stable. It all remained the same, he still came home at 8:00pm still in bed by 9:00. He still took me to school, and he was still home on weekends. I hate to admit, but my mother wasn't. He was my old reliable, really the biggest constant, and the only constant, at the time. Friends didn't work, grandparents didn't work, but he did.

It has changed. He recently met someone who he really enjoys being around. At first it was very exciting, because I began to see something different. He came home from work upright, and began the next morning with joy. A few weeks ago, for the very first time he was out past midnight. No phone calls, no note, nothing - which for him was very very out of the norm. I stayed up until midnight watching tv, curious where he was. Eventually I fell asleep, but then later woke up feeling as if something "wrong" happened.

As you might be able to imagine, I panicked. Around 4am I called my mother and she rushed over. I began calling hospitals and police departments. Thankfully he wasn't at any of them and around 8am he came home to find me and my mom pacing the kitchen. It lead onto some heated discussion and then "planning" for the future.

That night was the first sign, then came the constant absence on weekends. Its not the end of the world no, but its another shift, another change. Not one thing in this god damn world can ever stay the same, from all the things I have been through, its really beginning to piss me off. I can easily take the dog dieing, I can deal with my car needing a new radiator, twice - "HUGE repair bills", and I can deal with my mother moving 8 times... dragging me along!

I cant deal with the last... single... thread of my foundation, and seed of existence... shifting. Its not because he's my father, its not because I have few friends, Its because he was the only thing that has stayed the same sense my parents split up. I am not exaggerating, he was, the ONLY thing. I feel like just running away to some remote location, buying a rocking chair and listening to some James Taylor. Maybe a log cabin somewhere in Big Bear. Moving all my stuff out, quitting school, and getting a dog... A labrador... dogs don't change.

On the other hand, there is still hope in what will come. With every death there are two lifes. I think its still too early to assume marriage is on its way, or inevitable, but I wouldn't be surprised. For the most part I think it would be a good thing. I normally hate change, and don't enjoy it, but it brings some comfort already knowing it could be a good one. She is a great person and it makes him happy. At least I have hope that good will come about, yes, hope... at least that can swiped away from me.

Entry Five: "Due Date" movie review & opinion

I saw Due Date a few hours ago and I must exclaim!... it conquered the Hangover. A number of things surprised me. Warner Bros posted 3 official trailers on youtube and a multitude of other sites. At first I thought they spoiled the "funny" scenes, over-advertised. But to my surprise there was much more. Alan R. Cohen managed to pack enough comedy to fill Super Bad, Hot Fuzz, and Pineapple Express. He smashed all of it into just one movie, somehow getting it past the MPA (Motion picture association) - for that I give additional props.

I brought a friend along, and he couldn't stop laughing either. In fact the entire room was full of it, and I swear I could feel it vibrating. Not to mention my seat was constantly being kicked, but I was doing it too. It was probably one of the greatest movies ever created in the comedy genre. Although many people in the "official" review world would say otherwise.

Although Robert Downy Jr did an excellent job, I wasn't over impressed. Much of his character didn't take work, it was just a few cords short of Iron man. But all of his "off script" stuff flowed pretty well, and he did quiet a good job in some of the more intense scenes. Not to give too much away but he punches a 12 year old in the gut, gets shot, and gets beat by a handicapped hill billy.

Zach Galifianakis keeps bringing a new definition to comedy. He can play such explicit roles and quiet well, many of the things he did In Due Date, I doubt other actors would ever do. Not because they are hard or dangerous, but because they have a "reputation" to uphold. This is probably the coolest thing about Zach, he's not afraid, and has a complete disregard towards the "Standard" morals seen in most movies today. Not meaning that I am against morals, because that is defiantly not the case. I admire his willingness to go where other actors have never been before.

Overall I rate Due date 10/10.

Entry Four: Can you really plan?

Walking around a familiar place and thinking about life is so bazar. You begin to see all the different balls that it can throw, and has already throw at-cha. The only thing you can do is wonder whats coming next, and thats it. Or if you are like me you try and plan ahead, "what am I going to do out of college, if I do this...", "Where am I going to live, if I go here...", I drive myself crazy.

I don't believe Im the only one though. Many of us go around hustling and bustling, planning our days, weeks, and years. But is that what we were originally meant to do? Maybe I would much rather have the adventure, thrill, and insecurity of an "unseen" life. Like Jack Dawson, one day he's at a English harbor playing cards, the next he's cruising on one of the largest ships ever built - Titanic. Taking each day god gave him like a miracle, and simply living it. On the other hand, going hungry and unable to provide for myself isn't ideal.

But back to my point/question, why do we humans even do this, why cant we just live? Looking at a dog, what do they do, have you ever watched a dog? They simply move about the yard, sniffing. They don't worry about the future, they just live out there lives one day at a time. There existence is so simple, and so unfair. I'm 20 years old and most of my existence, I spend being unsure of things, like a child.

Maybe this is normal, after all I am in college. Its probably just a phase, a annoying one. All my sentences start with is, its, and why. At least this is how its been lately, frustrating.

Entry Three: Structure or freedom?

I had a good discussion with my fathers new girlfriend, "by the way I really like her".


We were talking about the infamous subject of "discipline", not like the generalized idea of discipline, if there is even such a thing, but like regimentation. Her, like my father believe in it. Both have a good reason too, because it has brought them pretty far in life. My father started working at 12 years old, gardening and doing odd jobs around town. He bought his first car, New, at 16 paying full cash. At the age of 21 he graduated with a BA in business, and at 30 finished his Masters. At 35 he was an established partner in a communications consulting firm.

Awhile people were getting out of college and going to Europe for a few weeks, he immediately started working, immediately attempting to climb the cooperate ladder. But this has been his entire life, from early childhood all he did was work. He had few friends and was made fun, becoming very isolated. With the stories he told me, I am still somewhat surprised that he met my mother.

Like him, his new lady friend lived a similar life. She went into real-estate and made a more then satisfactory living off it. She, like my father, is very organized. She called it "programed", and awhile talking to her she explained the benefits of being a "robot" - literally using that word. Let me just say, there is nothing wrong with that, in fact I honor that and wish I could be more like it, but I am more like my mom. The 8% of people who are called "successful" are called that because of one thing, the time they use wisely.

On the other hand, I have my mother, who for the longest time has been my guru of wisdom and all else. She grew up in a missionary home, which as you can probably imagine, is completely different then growing up in a home of business men and self proclaiming company owners. With 3 other siblings, she was raised in Japan. She, and her family also moved quiet often, moving from town to town and village to village. At age 21 she moved back to America "after 21 years in Japan" and attended college, graduating at 23 with a BA in nutrition.

She does not think like the western world, and being very spiritual, all of her trust is in god and things unseen. Where generally people trust things they can only see. Also, being a missionary kid her family was entirely run on donations and blessing. Where my dad gathered by working for it, hard and long hours, like his girlfriend. This whole conversation came about though, with a question of which ways better?

All of her siblings finished college. One brother went to Med-school and is now a very successful surgeon, one became a contractor, and her sister a nurse. Each of them went through similar things, traveled to the same places, and were raised the same way. And for the most part, became successful without being a "robot". This is something that has always confused me.

My mother and father both live great life's, one makes more then the other finically, and one makes more then the other in love. You need both to survive don't you? Being free spirited like the wind, and being programed and organized like a robot. It is discipline that will get you a college degree, a house, or Bmw. But it is grace, love, and a free heart that will give you a loving family, a wonderful child, and a warm home. I just want to be happy, and I don't know which way will bring that about.

Its hard being in the middle of it all. It seems like Im always in that position. Which way is right? Its so frustrating, how can I incorporate both, It feels like Im trying to fuse atoms. Each day I live on this earth, it looks like the line between things becomes more blurred.

I will continue reflecting on this and see what happens... It will play out, life always does.

Entry Two: Reflection of the past

Its been awhile sense I last touched a video game. When I was younger (age 15-16) I played a multitude of them, it became a lifestyle. Buying the latest issue of "Game Pro", having my social life online rather then reality, and only leaving the room for two things - food and the bathroom. Looking back now it was fun, but a poor way to live those years.

That life style was created due to many past events, but started all because of one thing, a game specifically - Halo. A year after it came out, my parents finally allowed me to buy it. During that year I found something that I could do with others. I began to spend hours at my friends house. Staying up late, pulling all nighters, and eating junk food.

The only thing that made this possible was High School. Homework wasn't too strenuous and my social life wasn't huge. I had plenty of time to kill and a small nich of friends to do it with. I probably could have put my time to better uses. Instead of blowing half a day on Battle field 2, or COD I could have been learning guitar, Drums, or how to repair a car.

Its different now, at 18 I finally manned up and dropped it all, like a dirty habit. Two years later (today) I wonder what my life would look like if I continued. At least back then I had a unquestionable title, "He's a gamer" people would say. Now? I don't really know what I am, "a college student"? Tonight I have the strangest urge to go away in a world of death, explosions, and spawn points. Its probably because of the recent stress I have been under.

Its amazing how much I have changed from who I was in that day. I went from Confused Christian, and anti social, and complete egoistical bastard, to... loving, more outgoing, and more understanding. I went from a world of tunnel vision to a world of reality. Its no longer about Xbox live, but about being alive.

I wish that change could have come faster. Today I see many of my peers much more successful because of the seemingly small decisions they made during there youth. Skills that you can only learn with time. It would also be nice if I started a blog long ago, then all of those times I needed something to recall, something to reflect on, something to improve, I would have it. I cant count the times I stayed up late thinking about something, and then completely forget about it the next day.

At least now I am, and its a start. Ten years from now I cant even imagine what I will look like, and what this blog will turn into.

Entry One: The sum of things

Its been awhile sense I took the time to write a note or letter about myself, progress, life's biggest questions... you know small stuff. Some of you who already know me well, see me and my name and know me through many many titles... titles I have given myself through mistakes and/or good fortunes. However none of these I would ever want to keep or make "my title", because my journey in life hasnt stopped. 

As a human being I want to continue to grow. I want to continue to break, mold, and build new and greater titles. I have made many mistakes through the course of my life. Which I believe is pretty pathetic, sense iv only been on earth 2o years. But most, I'm sure many others have made, regardless of age, the ladder, or rank in life they play.  Thankfully through the support of my family, prayer, and god - I have been given the chance to fix them. 

I want to point out that "birds of a feather flock together" could not be any truer. Part of the repair work I am doing, has a great deal to do with friendships and who I acquaint myself with. I have to do this, as all of us have to do, for the better of both parties. Wether its friendships, dating, or a real relationship, you hit that point where you both eventually stop growing. Being with someone who cant lift you up, or you cant lift up is bluntly - torture. 

I had a group of four friends like this, far back in the day - before high school, who I hung out with very often, we played halo, went paint balling, and even, yes, shared cloths. These friendships lasted up until college, the breakup between us all was quiet painful. I considered these people my brothers, which sad to say... I sometimes regret. Looking back now I have to state that a good majority of my bad decisions stemmed form them.  

I think that one of the biggest things I had to deal with during that decaying time was a feeling of abandonment, unappreciation, and loneliness.  As soon as I got my car and began driving myself the 15 miles to meet these people, I began realizing how much I was being used. Im sure you all have gone through a similar situation, first day everyone is calling for a ride, then when you say no or you cant, they have the audacity to throw out tiny threats. But I have to put that into perspective, they didn't drive so didn't quiet understand how much effort it took me just to see them - let alone give rides.

But on the bright side of things god gave me other friends, here and there, they popped up in different places... at different times with different views and opinions of life, all staying for certain periods of time. Most not even knowing "in the grand scheme of things" why they were friends with me, or how we both got to that point. We didn't go to school together, we didn't meet in a group gathering, we met by a friend through a friend, or next to a friend by that place, or by that place next to a thing. What makes this notable is - As far as I know, that doesn't generally happen when your shy.  

This kind of socializing continued for a long period of time, through the very long process of trying to let my old friends go. So long that some of the new friends even became small posy's. Like a bandaid they could never fully replace the flesh I had, but did do quiet a fantastic job at covering the wound. It took awhile for me to cling onto the new rather then the oh so familiar old - but finally that changed.

Just recently I completely let go "after 2 years", first went the borrowed cloths "somtime last year", then the phone numbers "about 9 months ago", and finally as of just a few days ago - there Facebooks. I had an euphony after writing A status on facebook. Just how much change has actually happened, how far I have actually come from who I was and where I resided. 

By completely letting go of those people, I was able to let go of a part of myself and all its memories. Everyone has a way of remembering things, I stick memories to faces, some stick them to emotion, others stick them to places. I feel like the Tyler who I knew at 10, the soft hearted, fun, joyful, and outgoing is finally back. That giant hole of blackness I went through during my Highschool and teen years is finally over and Im back to a place, where I can live life the way I was created too.