Entry Thirty Nine: The band of my brothers.

I took a venture with a group of my best friends on a five day camping trip, it has come to a close. Before going on this trip I remember having some irrational fears, worries, and small concerns. I brought these things to the council of my father and his reasurqnxe that they were unlikely to happen was enough to put them away.

We all left on Friday for Arizona, me, my friend - Austin, Jamie, Timmy, Jordan, Kieth, and Chrisopher. I am so overjoyed that this great group of guys invited me in the first place. At one point I remember wondering if I would ever earn or gain their trust. I so badley have wanted good friendships like these. My heart has been giving thanks to God for such a gift every day!

Our trip first started with touring the grand canyon. It was gorgeous and eye opening to the Lords power and artistic creation. It really opened my paradigm, made me come to peace with a few of lifes biggest questions, it obliterated some of the misconceptions I periodically had about creation, but it secured the truth - this world was created and not just "made", or grown together, there is order and there is time and these processes did in fact time awhile to form such a wonderful thing. which to me is much more meanifful then believing it magically appeared.

We  spent the night at lake powl on the boarder of Arizona and Utah. This first night is where one of my fears arose. We went swimming in the lake bellow, I was embarrassed to change in front of the others, just because of some bad experiences that I had as a child. But this small thing was concqoured like many others which have left me bound by the ankles. It was a great campground though and the view around us was so vast, so surreal, I have never seen such openness, especially coming from a place like Los Anagles.

On the Second day we set out for Zion national park on, but before reaching that destination a few pit stops were taken. The first was at Antelope Canyon, the most intricially carved cave I have ever bared witness too. It was like walking through something painted by Salvador Dali. Our second stop was at horseshoe bend, a large curve in the Calorado river. We spent a few hours there looking out into the distance admiring its beauty, playing on the rocks, and creating a new confidence in eachother.

When we reached Zion national Park the first thing we did was scale a mountain, only after being in the park for thirty minutes. It was absolutely amazing. It was so exciting, the first little glimpse of adventure, of danger. I took some videos and pictures as well so to never forget the beauty and emotion that place brought. We all got to the top about forty five minutes later, it was one of the coolest accomplishments I have ever physically done.

Finally I would have to say the hike which made Zion a trip to remember was the eighteen mile hike through what was called "The narrows". We expected it to be an easy twelve miles, half on land and half in water. But in reality it turned out to be almost all in water, and very strenuous. There was a point that all of us reached wondering it we would make it, with six more miles to go and only two hours of day light available, hope began to sink. It was either push has hard as we can and keep going or possibly die...

On this trip my manhood took root at a rapid pace, my confidence grew and a littl respect for myself was gained. For the first time I have had real adventure, real danger, and real fun without any hold backs. I don't know what kind of person I have become now that I am back. I wonder what changes have taken place that others may notice. I feel like there have been plenty, but I will only know when people see and tell me.

Entry Thirty Eight: A confused Gate Keeper.

I havent blogged in such a long time. So much has happened over the past couple of weeks and I haven't jotted any of it down, how unfortunate...

Its been wild, fun, awkward, exciting, boring, slow, fast - everything. I have absolutely now idea where to start. Well, ill start with whats most important. This past month has been strange, I have been putting so much focus on having fun and being with friends, going to the beach, and rock climbing, that I feel I have left God on the curb. I am not sure how to take this, does God mind If I am having fun? Does he like watching me have fun? Is it ok that I don't feel like reading the bible, that I would rather be sun tanning or on my computer, or out with friends?

Perhaps not. If so, then my life has become apathetic, with Church and towards the idea of having my own quiet time. I have no internal motivation to read the word, no motivation to journal, and now, slowly, little by little each week I have less motivation towards heading to Church. Perhaps it is because so many of my spiritual fountains - "the people I cling to spiritually" have left. They were all on mission trips in Africa. My College pastor and my best friend.

I remember wondering about this a week ago, and becoming extremely aggravated at the idea - I "Cling" to specific people for spiritual nourishment. I should be able to obtain it through the holy spirit, right?
But the holy spirit is in them, so am I clinging to the holy spirit? Right'? Probably not, this isn't the problem. Because I have many people which nourish me spiritually, God has given me a wonderfully good circle of friends who I can call up at any time and get support from.

The holy spirit is in me, in them, in everything which is "good", uses everything which is "good". I do not mean "good", in the sense of nice, pretty, colorful, or kind. But "Good" in the eyes of God - satisfactory according to him. Which means I do not actually at any time need to seek it out, search for it high and low. There are many "good" people, "good" places, "good" songs, and "good" books that God has given me access to. I just need to open my eyes and make contact with them, keep pushing myself out of bed, they are everywhere! Open my heart and be vulnerable to the holy spirits continuous presence.

I realize now, in this moment, the process of building up walls has begun once again. Something in me feels insecure, feels under attack, perhaps this is my problem. I am tired of being vulnerable, or tired of fighting, fending off the things I don't want coming inside. Its like my heart is a grand gate, and I am its gate keeper. Both good and evil are knocking outside and if I open the gate, both flood in, but if both flood in, the good helps fight the bad. Where before, long ago, I remember my door was just slammed shut, I was numb, I was content, there was no fighting. There is a small part of me which is building up, breaking out of its hellish cage, whispering to close the gate again.

But I can not and will not! I would rather fight him then do battle with the things that run through my gate. There must be fighting! I must have something to fight for, there must be a reason behind my existence, behind my weariness, behind my longing for a bed, for rest, for comfort in Christ.

I have been preparing my heart for a very special event next week, a trip to Zion national park. I will not be brought down when there is a light at the end of this tunnel!