Entry Forty Eight: Christmas Break

Christmas day is coming to a close now, its 11:14. This winter break has been absolutely wonderful, I couldn't have ever asked for anything better!  I had Christmas eve with my father as usual, he got me what was on my list - jumper cables for my car, a simple dvd player, and Saving Private Ryan. Then instead of having Christmas with mother on Christmas day we also celebrated that on Christmas Eve too. She got me everything I really wanted, and then some! I received a bottle of Cologne, a stick of luxury deodorant, Battle Field 3, and a Guitar stand! She even threw in a nice shirt from Abercrombie And Finch!  There I sat at both of my grandparents houses on the same day at different times in awe of the celebration and cheer we were all experiencing. It was the first year that I put together a wish list online and it worked out so well!

We switched it up this year because that night I drove four hours up to Templton to spend Christmas day with family I almost never see! The drive was so relaxing and needed. I left around 9:30 and was out of La by about 10:25. I hit Santa Barbara around 11:00. From there it was a clean shoot, I only shared the road with one other car for some of the drive and then he got off and someone replaced him. The last 45minutes of driving was dead silent and extremely relaxing, it felt like I was driving in the great American plains. I arrived at exactly 1:15 as perfectly planned and then was greeted by my younger cousin. We unloaded all my stuff and snuck back inside to go to bed. I stayed in his room along with my other cousin Greg (his brother) who was also sleeping on the floor.

The next morning we woke up and I (as unusual) started playing Battle Field 3 on his Xbox360. That lasted for about an hour until the rest of the family arose. After a shower and some bagels we all headed off to Church. It was a much smaller church than I was used to but still nice. It was probably the first time I spent Christmas morning at Church in two years. We then returned home and had breakfast which was served by my aunt.

After breakfast came "Christmas"! We all huddled in the family room and prepared for surprise. I thought it was really cool watching my cousins open up their gifts and see this family experience the season of giving. At my house we do things a little different - we don't have a real tree so seeing one here brought back some good childhood memories. We all received really cool stuff!!! David got a new Electric Guitar so he can start participating more in his worship group at Church. Amy got a new Xbox360 so she wouldn't have use Davids anymore. Alicia got a new ipad2. James got some really nice shirts. Greg got a european jacket. I got two nice shirts and a Emergency Bag for my car. They were great gifts! Mine were totally unexpected.

I'll be up here until Friday. OH! Something I completely forgot to mention, I also passed all my classes this semester at school which means I will be returning after break. This was the small taste of freedom I needed to hear. I thought that I was being damned to failure and another quest for meaning, purpose, or something to just fill my time. Words can not describe how happy it makes me.

Entry Forty Seven: Finals week at APU!

Finals week has come, and it has been so stressful. I cant believe the semester is almost already over! I just have two more days until school is out. I really wish I made the decision to blog more during this semester, I should have set more time for it. There is just so much I wish I could have written down to remember, the good, and the bad.

My rooms mates have still stuck with me and for the most part we get along really well. They tolerate my grouchy mood in the mornings and think its funny, which I really like. I am so thankful that I have had the opportunity to live with people, who see me every day and know who I am, to assure me that I am normal. They are two great mirrors. They have helped destroy so many of my insecurities and revile the true ones. They both continuously encourage me, really help me halt some of the ways I put myself down. It hard to put blame or a valid complaint on either of them. The only thing which still irks me, is when Jeff uses a baby voice. Partially because I was raised not to, scorned constantly for doing the same thing. Also, for someone who is so desperate to become an adult, or get married... I just find it incredibly odd - immature. However, for the most part that is my problem not his. As for Brennan I cant really think of anything off the bat. The only time we ever bump heads is during discussion over a doctrine or belief.

I haven't made a lot of close friendships this semester as I expected to, actually, much of the semester didn't go as I planned. There are some secret disappointments I still hold, but they are the result of being naive, which always happens. I get so excited over something, assume drastic change is in order and a few of my major problems are going to be magically fixed. When in reality, these problems are merrily stitched up and still healing. None the less, this is still an improvement over community college. Here at APU I have met a lot of people, and these people know my name, which is much much much more then I could have ever hoped for, say at community college. Every time I hear my name a warmness enters me, I get so excited and happy, it completely makes my day! I have left the desert and entered into the spring! Next semester I will be on a role, hopefully things will continue to progress. I just need to get back on track spiritually, right with God. 

Its been really hard being here. I have the stress of performance now, the stress of making friends, maintaining friends, maintaining grades, looking good, everything which when looked at on a death bed through the glasses of reality is all undoubtably useless. It sometimes makes me feel like I was never meant for this world. Perhaps thats just the messages partial brain washing I have heard from being a Christian, all about Christians, heaven, and the filth of earth. Perhaps I have taken it all too literally, but then thats the human side of me talking I suppose. Speaking of Christian - my faith has plummeted. Being here and seeing so many people act in so many ways, being so inconsistent, divided in belief and in heart has really just made my Jenga tower fall. I mean look at grass, you know grass is grass because it always remains the same thing - grass. It acts the same way, grows the same way, remains and remains the same color. You look at Christians and they become all sorts of things. For me it begs the unending announce of this question - is there really such a thing as Christians? Yet, as my Ministry professor stated (and apart of me has thought since I was 14), "Christians" are a human created category. We shouldn't put much thought into the word, its meaning. For we know what we are supposed to do, we know what we are supposed to be, and that is all we should be preoccupied with. No where in the Bible does it say we are supposed to categorize it. The only thing to think about is "Saved", a divinely picked category that no one really knows the stats for... you can never tell from the outside and that is the truth! But then that always bothers me with the next question, it makes me wonder if there is really a God. Although, it shouldn't, because in actuality the mistake remains mine for using Human Behavior as evidence for God. 

Anyways. Right now, in this very moment, my questions about where I will be next semester, what I am going to do, where I am going to go, will not be answered. My worries about being kicked out of APU for failing my finals, my worries about not being able to find a job if it happens, should not be thought of. I forgot to mention - these are the things which have been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. I got so burned out this month on just everything that I began to throw in the towel. It was very foolish of me, incredibly stupid. Now, I face the consequence and am running around chasing my tail. I do know that this winter break is going to help me relax, unwind, find peace, and get back on track with God. I believe God has just been waiting for it like I am, he is just sitting twiddling his thumbs with patience. I mean, already, today, right now I am taking into consideration picking up my bible, the little flame still burns inside me, which is not a feeling I have felt for the past 27 days. The time is growing close when all of this will be over for a time, and I can be in line, on the path, back where I was, once again. 

Entry Forty Six: An idea to fix slums in Africa!

Two Future Concepts of Masdar City (Borrowed)

Random thought: What would you think of a corporately run, self sustaining, charter city placed near African Slums?

Nothing like this has been done before. During the colonel days when Britain tried to colonize much of Africa, The Dutch East India Trading Company operated as a dictatorship under the power of the monarchy, they forcibly dominated communities, taxed them, and created a kind of politically corrupt economy where ever it went.

My plan would enact multiple companies operating in the same vicinity, creating more of a free market environment, like capitalism, used as an umbrella to help support smaller economic operations like local business and better finical or economic infrastructure. Eventually, once it is sustainable, will support a community based trade system, and because currency and wealth isn't fluid enough to actually sustain itself as a method of trade. And in the long run, provide the basis to support small independently run businesses, the product of an early independent economy.

In other words, companies would form an economy based on none currency labor, (not like a sweat shop) in return for a permanent start of good basic infrastructure. They would feed and then at the end of the day pay workers who run the facilities, with double portions of food, and clean drinking water. Some who are promoted to supervisor positions would  even be give temporary housing. These things initially would all be provided by the investment of the company, and in return give the company a working city, with an nearly unlimited work force, it then can do anything with, run factories in, run research in, run storage space, run logistics. This would work by using a trade for essentials, rather then a salary, not to be immoral or unethical, but because money is useless for the most part, in the slums, it cant buy anything because there is really nothing to buy...

Just imagine if your only desire, and motivation was to obtain clean water and food, you would find this amazing. With the double portion sizes you could travel, sell half and get real currency to buy clothes, other things, and eventually make something of yourself. This kind of trade would then spread. This form of operation would begin to compliment outside communities and their economy, by providing a simple base for people to provide for their families, food, water, and fill a need of others through exchange. trade would spread and become available in other places as well, allowing them to become healthy, efficient, hopeful, and eventually get to a place where they have the means to survive on their own (Buy or make a business), and have ambition.

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In a nutshell think of it this way. If you put a large farm, huge farm, and asked people to run it, you would collect 50% of the harvest for yourself and earn profit by shipping it over seas, and then pay 50% to the people who operated it, making a %100 return in cash from what you sent overseas which could be used to cover the investment. You wouldn't lose money, because the cost to pay employees would be free (self sustainable) which is a very hard idea for people to wrap there head around.

Its like paying an eight year old to mow your lawn, you make an agreement that in return for mowing your lawn you will allow him what he really needs and desires, which is that really cool happy meal for breakfast tomorrow, because it has a toy inside. It was on the spot, took the kid 15 minutes, and some instruction. Your paying him a happy meal which is 4 dollars. It would cost you, scheduling and 35 dollars for an adult or professional. What is the ratio of cost over profit?

Now if you use this model, scale this up into creating a self sustaining CITY ECONOMY, education, agriculture, food preparation, utilities, logistics, industry (factories) and storage. By using agriculture and clean water (the farm and water treatment plan), they will run everything in your city economy. You just have to build a farm large enough and create enough water for proper payment, to cover everyone. But because both of those things are easily mass produced it shouldn't pose a real problem and cost is near to nothing.

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Heres the idea reiterated one last time, with terms everyone can understand. You have a factory here in the United States which builds cars. The workers who operate this factory, are put in charge of training new employees on how to use the equipment and handle his job, each picked to help run the factory. These new employees then carry out duties of opening up food (farming) which is being delivered to the cafeteria, others are in the cafeteria preparing the food for all the workers, some are put into building the car, some are put into storing the car, and some are put into shipping the car - all of this on the site location of the Car factory. But, then some are also told to run the bank (agriculture) which also prints money to pay them all just across the street - all under the rules, regulations, and authority of the body who made such an investment or the building of the factory: the company.

Now I will further explain how this would work in a city.  You have a building for education, like Adult school in the United States, how to be a citizen 101 - people are trained in different skills and then put in different sections of the city running operations. Some decide they like working in a warehouse which stores product, food, and materials for the factory near by. Some decide to work in the factory which produces huge quantities of product to go over seas. Some really really want to learn how to drive so they are put in logistics and ship the products down to port cities. Some want to learn how to cook so they are put in a massive cafeteria / break room. Some people have a green thumb, and nick for operating massive farm equipment, so they are put in the agriculture surrounding the city, which pays for everyone to work there. Some are put in the water treatment plant.

At the end of the day, these people leave with 3 meals in their body breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Along with two pre-made meals to take home and a bucket of water. Some of it they trade to their neighbors who were not as fortunate to be picked to work on the site, and some feed their families. Eventually, their life becomes sustainable, healthy, happy, and hopeful. They become ambitious, work hard and get promoted to different positions in the company's city, get more portions, and investments are being made outside the city in other communities with currency they have collected from trading goods being taken home. This mechanism spreads to other villages, the trading of food and water for currency produces more small business, and these small business eventually becomes a sustainable economy. This economy grows, and I could go on but you get the picture - its no longer a slum.
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With this system three needs are filled

The need of the company for affordable labor and cheep product production. (Capitalism)
The need of clean drinking water and food by citizens (Human activism)
The need of most basic infrastructure for community building (Human activism)

Some may say that paying people in food and water is inhuman, but in a place like the slums money is rarely used, whatever it can buy other then food and water is useless.

Entry Forty Five: If I were President of the United States.

If I were president: Vision, academic brilliance, and calculations from mega computers will run the country, not hope, not politics, not my own perspective, small brain, all by itself.

First, I would deal with tackling everything that is wrong with my finances, our finances, this countries finances. I would start by reconstructing the IRS. I would collaborate with 65 private universities, require the aid of academic capitalists and put together a better way of managing, and maybe even doing tax. Only and idiot would be scared enough to shun away the idea that everything is falling apart. It may be plausible that a new system needs to be put in place, something better than the idea of taxes. I would love to see something innovative, brilliant, like nothing history has every bared witness to before be implemented into this country. All to fund our means of operation. Our country is based on innovation, crazy, inspiring, life changing ideas. We need to reorganize the problems we have and get them fixed. I would help do this by gathering top advice, outside of government and social agendas, this is no longer a left or right wing problem, this is not a government problem, this becoming a global problem. I will call all hands to deck, with major fortune 500 companies, the financial advisers they use, and foreign annalists. To help keep everything stable our treasury department needs to a better look taken at it too. Right now, at this very moment I would love to put together a board of our national bankers, and forcibly require annual meetings here on the home ground by a monthly basis, and yearly at the UN, with global economic analysts, market analysis's, and 3rd party accounting firms. I never again want to ever smell, hear, or assume, that our economy is going to collapse due to the way we handle our money.

Second, I would deal with immigration and boarder control by cutting  the fingers who are controlling this bureaucratic process, government. With the help of Googles satellite system, private security and logistics firms, human traffic advisers in China, and new programs for students to participate with this process in academic bodies. We will finally bash through corrupt political and corporate agendas that desire votes or an over amount of Uneducated cheap labor. We need to organize human traffic in a sound and systematic manner and open up the pipeline by, blowing open a gate system and streamlining the process - outsourcing. I want to reform defense protocol and boarder management. With a country this big we should be able to fit a good amount of people in it, I don't want more than we can handle though, I don't want our health care system, our educational system, or our police force overburdened. More than anything I don't want everyone congregating in one state or only a few states new immigrants need to be spread across the country. To prevent these things measures would be taken, by laws being formed. Immigrants moving to the united states would be required to find a job, housing, and life aspiration, within 3 months before obtaining permanent residency.

I am not sure if this would work, hence advisers are needed, but ideally I desire for only three strategic sections of the boarder to allow people in, freely, all access - excluding terrorists, criminals, and those who would become an unreasonable burdon on society. I want a physically organized line and intense screening process on site, 12 hours per day, no more appointments or mailing paper work. I do no want anymore jumping over fences, running across private property, and causing a number of problems we cant get accurate numbers on, manage, and realize exist because no one is being properly cataloged. I don't want a paper line, I don't want a line online, I want a physical lines and doors to enter through like we currently have at airports. I mean, lets make this simple - If I became president you are fully, entirely, allowed in the country. However, you can not expect to come over here and disrupt the way our systems run, we have to know who you are, we have to know where you are from, and we have to know a few other things. If I could I would encourage over sea foreigners from Russia, Japan, Australia, Israeli and all of Europe - to help organize a more rounded, more educated immigrated workforce, and help balance ethnicity. If I am elected president, you may come at any time but this needs to be organized, there will be paperwork yes, we want you name, occupation, future plans, where you will be living and so forth. A few other things, like your fingerprint for DNA and a retina - I want this process to only take an hour to complete.

I would like to change our ID system, from now on I want citizens to be given an ID card which will hold their DNA, a place for transparent barcodes and retina scan - and of course not attached to their body, no bar codes, no microchips, no Anti-Christ stuff. I simply desire to create no easy way of makeing a false Identity. If this takes place, I will make sure green cards will no longer be issued, State ID's will no longer be issued - only this new more information holding, universal ID. As an immigrant, I will make sure this is the only simple rule you have to consent to - You will come through the gate in a organized sensible manner. Which means, you will not not jump any fence or walk over any other section of the boarder. If you do not come from one of the designated entrances and file the paperwork, if you do not obey this simple, most, unexplainably basic rule then there will be extreme consequences. If you are spotted walking or crossing the boarder at any other place for any reason, even life or death, ignoring the signs which will be there, you will be immediately shot, without any level of mercy or remorse. Your children will be shot, and whoever else is with you will be shot. The judicial system will not defend you, the people will not defend you. Your only way in is to wait in a physical line and walk through a one of three forty foot wide gates.

Thirdly - the middle east, it has been dealt with thanks to Obama, our troops are being moved home to safety and sanity - thank God. However, I would desire to keep a career fleet offshore and in the commanding hands of Israel. It would be active in a supporting role for Israeli defense minister, and whatever missions his branch desires to carry out in defense of their country, through them, and by them, keeping our fingers away from direct contact with their agenda. The operating cost of the fleet will be partially paid for by the Israeli government by stationing Israeli troops on board instead of US marines, and by providing food. I trust our defense minister to stay in contact with the fleet and its US commanders, their the team, and the Israelis. I trust the Israelis will enjoy the benefits of what that protection can offer if an act of war is clearly put upon their state, and services are needed. My hope is that this gift of chartering one of our fleets, will bluntly show the world where we stand in alliance, and bluntly show Israeli leaders who they can trust more then themselves, that they are not alone. I hope it bluntly shows other middle east leaders who they should no longer aggravate. I, no longer want to hear anything, or be apart of anything, in the middle east. If I was to be elected president, everything considering the middle east would be run by my vice president.

Fourthly - We need to better manage our health care system, improved treatments, and less drug use. Pharmasuticals are becoming like the oil companies back in the day when trains and other methods of transportation were being bought out, they have far too much influence. We live in an age where almost magical advances are being made in biotechnology and medical treatment. We need to be putting more effort into these things. None - embryonic stem cell treatment should be sped up, it should be actively funded by state governments. If I were elected president it should be FDA approved by the end of my term. But in regards to healthcare, our biggest issue is Obama care - it needs some serious remodeling... I enjoy the idea that everyone can get cheep health care, but it just doesn't work. I would begin to remove it immediately, and call forth health care experts, top notch college students, and call upon the people, show them the numbers, black and white, the secret and the not so secret. I would address the changes that need to take place. Look at the underlying issues that may be causing such a rise in health care cost. It may sit in something much deeper then most would anticipate, I want to look at all the data and go from there. If we can fix our finacial system, get it stabilized, fix the loopholes, and get our budget back on tract then health care and social security will become top priority above anything else I would like to accomplish.

Fifthly - We need to start improving our national presence in Africa. Yes, I would like to eliminate certain dictatorships and help reconstruct a few select small governments because of their valuable resources and unbelievable poverty, that is my agenda, collaborate for better political organization, human rights, and global security with an emphasis on resource collection and management. Yes, of course there is a bigger plan, long term if the American people decides to see it through, peace, and cheeper oil. I hope that through constructing relations in select port cities, and building a physical presence, it will spread across the continent and one day become a gift to the world in the future. This poverty stuff has gone on long enough, the continent of Africa is a gold mine to resources our country needs, and we have resources that compliment their needs, we are one of the largest corn growers in the world. I want to kick up our agriculture here, get the industry going even more. I want to get it booming and try to end poverty in trade for oil and precious minerals once stable environments for trade can be secured. I will recruit the help of 600 academic experts on a volunteer basis with small subsidies. I will find leaders of none-profit organizations such as the salvation army, invisible children, and anyone else who wants to be apart of this project. Separation of Church and state will remain, but religious or not the door will stay open for you to help. The more resources we pull together then the less tax payers have to sacrifice out of their own budgets, and that is always better, I am always up for saving money.

Finally - last but not least, our democracy. The Government which claims its power from congress, the senate, our judicial system and the white house... who changes, alters, and reinterprets the constitution.... if I were elected, I would forcibly correct our way of doing politics, to form the first ever, nationally recognized Federal Republic. I would open up a new branch of federal government, we have the executive, the judicial, the congressional, and now we would have a "The peoples". Giving more power, through the use of internet voting back to the people, enforcing that power by government. We have the technology to do this right now, the sites to run the servers. Let me share with you how, we have dismantled nuclear silos, which are sitting clean and abandoned. They remain a perfect place to install user voting mainframes.

Congress and the senate will act as third party accountability to the new branch of the people by the people, as they were intended to do, the judicial system will no longer hold power to change or alter interpretations of our constitution. Something in this God forsaken world needs to be absolute and that will be our constitution, as it was the purpose to begin with. I don't plan to take people back in time, go back to days which feel more comfortable, on both sides. Right now I desire to push us forward towards a new future, bright, different, off track from the current damnation this road is going to bring us to. 

My Political stance will always remain this way: The people should not have to enforce and hold the government accountable, the government should not act as a primary decision maker, instead, as it was created to be - a 3rd party judge. The people should make decisions, and government intervention should be a well respected, and honored last resort.

Entry Forty Four: Preparation and prayer

As unusual but not expected,  so much has changed over the past couple of weeks, and so much has happened. I was called back by an organization called Christian Encounters, they stopped by Shift a month ago and I turned in my volunteer form. I spoke with the director of the organization and he has sent me application packet to fill out and mail back. I am still praying if this is where God wants to put me because I also have a summer mission trip to consider.

In fact just last Thursday I had my mission trip interview at CCV. I was so nervous at first but then realized that God has my back. I sat down and Danielle Frasier and David Sill were in the room and I spent most of my attention focused on them. They asked me a few questions and I answered them the best I could. A part of me now feels I may have answered them too well, possibly reviled my geeky perfectionism which occasionally presents itself in serious situations. But like I said, overall I think it went good, after all I am leaving this all up to God. 

It is finally the weekend and I am able to rest. Tonight I had two very fun and interesting things happen tonight. The first one was a divine appointment at a gas station, I lent some money to a man and then he opened up sharing some of his story. After listening to a few minutes I recommended him to Joey to help get his feet back on the ground. Then finally before leaving we prayed, I thought it was the coolest thing I have ever been able to do. From the gas station I headed to Hollywood to meet up with friend to Church. She was invited to a Wax museum to shoot some pictures and have fun - I tagged along. 

Before I forget to mention it  - School is still going well, but even though the work load isn't all that large its still draining. However I am continuing to push through it. I checked my grades last friday and right now I am passing all my classes, I just need to continue turning in my work on time and showing up to class. This semester is going to be over before I know it. I really think that this semester is giving me a lot of training and preparatory work for things God is going to bring into my life this summer. I am so incredibly excited! 

I need to go to bed, ill try and continue this tomorrow. 

Entry Forty Three: Week Five of College!

I cant believe that it has blown by this fast already. I have been having such an amazing time here! The professors are channeling, they really make you think. All of them put a Christian emphasis on what they teach, try to incorporate scripture into the topic - its all very interesting!  However they are also lenient and understanding, not to legalistic when it comes to turning things in. Unlike the last school I went to, you could by dying and they wouldn't care... points would still be deducted.

The students are also amazing. Everyone is still on the buzz of a new beginning. Some rebuilding old relationships, others creating new ones, and then some still searching. Everyone here has such a kind heart and positive perspective, just walking around the campus seeing everyone else really helps lift my attitude. Also, I truly admire the peace that can be found here, its like bible camp, everyone is just so free spirited and ready to learn, ready to grow, really ready to just keep on living!

I was put into a transfer group at the beginning of the year that I forgot to talk about, it was pretty cool. They have planned a few activities, like trips to the beach, but I haven't been able to attend them due to my schedule. Just a week ago I was also put into an Alpha group for my beginnings class. I wasn't too stoked about it at first (because they are all freshman), but after getting to know everyone things have worked out. Its been fun so far, we had a paint war the other week - was a blast!

My academic progress has been sufficient... I think. Although today I got a small whack of reality. I turned in an assignment late to my PE class, and then missed two assignments for english. Thankfully because of the Grace of God, and my professors understanding he gave me points for the PE assignment. My english professor also is also giving me points as long as I turn everything in on monday. Speaking of monday, I have a midterm to study for this weekend for my ministry class. Thins are really piling up!

Wish I blogged more, I have been so lazy on here....

Entry Forty Two: A new Chapter Begins.

Well I haven't blogged in awhile and quiet a lot has happened since my last post.

The drama with Church and ministry has come to a close. I left Leadership training and lowered some of my personal expectations or rather, deadlines. All of my energy is coming back and my heart is beginning to find its true resting place once again. And I do not mean I found a girl friend, unfortunately, but instead I have put it back into fellowship with Christ. 

Along with that I have also moved into APU. Classes will be starting on the 7th, which is one whole week away. The suspense is building after being here a week already!  I am so incredibly blessed, early move in date, sick apartment, close to campus - I could have never dreamed of a better place. Everyone here, staff and students are so kind. My confidence and security is already much higher then it was before. I see God working in me so many ways, challenging me in great ways. 

I could have not asked for better room mates either. Jeff Gambrino moved in a few days ago and we get along really well, I am just a little more introverted. What surprises me the most is how much we have in common from back home. I feared for awhile that I would get stuck with someone difficult to get along with. But the minute I saw Jeff I knew everything would be fine. Also, I am extremely excited to meet my second roommate which will be moving in on the 1st, Brennan Jung. I have a feeling all of us are going to develop a great bond this semester. Having these men in my life was a God ordained miracle!

I can clearly see that Gods handy work is inside everything here, everything thing that has gotten me here, so I KNOW, fully trust, and understand that he has a plan for me in the future. It will be exciting to witness it falling into place, have it completely unravel before my very eyes! Just thinking about that now gets me all pumped up! Even a little giddy. 

Entry Forty One: Clarity comes from the winds of Change.

After a insane night, a crazy week, and a series of months which have slowly whittled my will down to a stump.... something has finally changed. It was a change that needed to happen one that God was calling me to make. He showed me today a lot of things....

God spoke to my spirit tonight telling me to miss Church, to bail out, to RUN! He told me to run as fast as I could and as as far as I needed, he asked me to run away and into personal communion with him. Which I suppose is a very odd and confusing thing to hear. It defiantly makes you question where it is coming from, or rather from who, which side of the conscience, which side of the spiritual realm. I was so confused that I actually asked, (or rather begged, as if I had no say in the matter) my best friend for permission to leave, to skip, SHIFT. 

 I was actually in bondage by the weekly routine of Church, that God never demanded, but I created. I came to the point where I no longer wanted to go, but instead, that I had to go, it was not a expression of love, like fruit from a vine in my heart, it became a chore. It was such a chore, that, I (now looking back its unbelievable that it came to this) had to ask my friend for permission to leave - thats ultimately what it unfortunately came down to. I was so caught up with ministry and trying to look good, to feel moral, to be a perfect little Christian.... that I accidentally put my walk, just with God, completely aside. 

So after getting permission from my friend to leave, I left. Freedom from myself was finally gained and my reunion with God was reclaimed. But the odyssey didn't end there. I started driving away to Star Bucks, turned on the radio and then flipped to Kwave. But instead of hearing something which brought encouragement, it just put more fear into me, the message was exactly about what I was doing wrong (or what appeared so). It was about how important it is to give yourself to the Church, to fellowship, and how important it is to stay consistent. 

It was hard discerning what voice that was trying to speak to me, but because it was fear, I knew it was from the devil so I shut it off. However I did turn it back on a few moments later, turned around and began heading back. But then a positive voice told me to go home and rest, so I did. When I pulled in my drive way the message came to a close (perfect, yet odd timing) and I shut my car off. But rather then going inside I jumped on my bike and rode around for awhile (I guess what I would now consider my new form of "rest"). After a phone call to my mother for some guidance into what just happened, two laps around the culdesac, I left and went on a long ride down Cypress street. 

It was an awesome little venture. The entire time I was praying and reflecting on my decision, I was verbally asking questions, praying, thinking and wondering about everything. Just everything that has been going on. It was a wonderful rush of endorphins followed by deep contemplation into the future, giving all my worries away, and making spiritual contact with God in the present. I was back on track with the relationship and once again moving forward. 

I know this because all of my major stress, the stress which I before could not explain, just vanished. Its absolutely mind blowing how everything weaves together so wonderfully and changes so drastically, always keeping some sort of easily recognizable form and direction, yet in a unpredictable set of circumstances. So complex so easy. Marvelous, The father and Jesus are Marvelous makers! 

Entry Forty: Waves of insanity like exploding sand.

There is so much to write about. It is the end of the summer and my life seems to be falling apart. I am not sure what to do anymore, I have hit one of those extremely dry and dangerous deserts, which have absolutely no real features or foliage, nothing except waves of explosive sand. It is really the best way to describe how I am feeling inside.

My spiritual life is beginning to cross into mania. I believe strongly it is all from stress and lack of sleep. Which is any easy thing to fix, stop the thing which stresses you out = the stress goes away = sleep. So, I have stepped down from leadership, I have stopped beating myself up for something which I cant really control well (which might be the core problem but who knows). But even with theses measures taken, just tonight I saw myself crack, or, the devil slam a hammer down (a supernatural experience).

I just finished reading a passage from the book of Matthew which made me feel horrible. Meanwhile trying to fall asleep and trying not to think about my past, some school transcripts I read yesturday from long ago. Which obviously made me doubt the future I had at APU. This past month is not the state I prayed, or wanted, to be in when beginning the new semester. Anyways, so last night I was falling asleep then my door started creaking. Which happens every once in awhile, and there is a perfectly normal explanation.  The wood begins to condense from all the cold air, after being in hot air all day. But that wasn't the case. So I thought it must be a draft pulling it, but there was no draft.

I rolled over and laughed, frustrated that it woke me up. Then it creaked, I rolled back over and tried to fall asleep, and it creaked again, and again, and again, and again. Then finally, I stared at it, it stopped, then I swore at it, calling my door a "peace of shit". At which point it creaked again. I began to feel a little strange about the situation so I started to pray. It stopped when I began to pray, and continued when I stopped praying. After realizing this through the third round of prayer I turned on my light and yelled at it.

When I yelled at it the door began to open, immediately, I sat up and began to panic. I then stood up immediately and put both hands on it pushing it closed, and then stepped back. It began opening again, so I jumped and opened both doors ready to beat the hell out of whatever was behind them, or die trying.  Nothing was there, but quivering in fear I picked up my phone and sent txt messages to three of the most spiritual people I knew. Then I called my mother.

Im not sure if this is a sign I am losing my mind. Its ideal to believe its not, its ideal to believe that the devil is trying to destroy me before I go to APU.  Maybe, it is simply a sign that whatever is stressing me out, I haven't removed yet. I was considering removing myself from Church for awhile, or at least finding a new one, but I doubt that will really fix the problem. I have invested too much of my time into the people there. However, even though I have made this investment it doesn't really seem that I am reaping anything from it.

There was a period where I was loved by all, called, txt messaged, Facebooked, constantly being bombarded with love and attention. Now though, it has been thrown in the complete opposite direction. I am never called, in fact I cant remember the last time I was, probably two weeks ago. I am rarely txt messaged or invited somewhere, and no body ever posts on my wall. The social dynamic I was so accustomed too during the beginning of this summer has fallen apart.

I know this to be normal though, people go through seasons, and life changes. Relationships break and repair, it is the cycle of the "social life", or rather the social aspect of life. I have wondered why, and  suppose its possible that God is weaning me off these relationships so I reinstall the drive to make new ones at APU, possibly find a girl friend. Something that I desperately want and need, especially now that BOTH of my best friends have one.

It was hard having my spiritual leader and friend be drawn into the life of romance and kisses, time alone, away from others. I got over it, and now my other best friend (who I don't see that often anyways), the one that is clean good fun company, has also gotten a girl friend. So now he too is busy. Both leaving me to just rot in my room or cling onto the many other friendships which are not so intimate, and can not become intimate. Which is not there fault, its no ones fault, there is no fault to be created or place, its just a mucky situation which is uncomfortable that I must deal with, plain and simple.

It is obvious things have changed, especially after looking back at my posts from the rest of this year. Many, if not all of them, are so positive and progressive. All showing growth, change, and maturity. But the road I am walking on is covered in a black fog. My fear is that I will walk off a cliff, because I can feel it around me, in front of me. Yet its existence is completely out of my control, the only thing to do is to sit down, and wait for the fog to clear before I continue moving forward. Or, I suppose I could have faith in God that he will guide me through the Fog and away from this Cliff.

And maybe this is my real dilemma, the faith I once had in my Father has nearly vanished, not because I believe so, but because of the evidence around me? All these horrible annoying, aggravating things happening around me point in that direction. So it seems I need to get back to the basics of Faith?? I don't know, I am sure that I am doing everything that requires faith, I go to Church, help out at Church,  I crack open my bible, I listen to worship music, I pray and cry out to God! Maybe... I need to start a devotional?... Who would have ever thought my faith would be challenged or aggravated to such a manner!

Right now I havent a clue.... everything, its all so insane. Im just going to keep going because I guess, like in the narrows at Zion National park, thats the only thing left that I can, must do, will do. Even though I seriously feel like just giving up.

Entry Thirty Nine: The band of my brothers.

I took a venture with a group of my best friends on a five day camping trip, it has come to a close. Before going on this trip I remember having some irrational fears, worries, and small concerns. I brought these things to the council of my father and his reasurqnxe that they were unlikely to happen was enough to put them away.

We all left on Friday for Arizona, me, my friend - Austin, Jamie, Timmy, Jordan, Kieth, and Chrisopher. I am so overjoyed that this great group of guys invited me in the first place. At one point I remember wondering if I would ever earn or gain their trust. I so badley have wanted good friendships like these. My heart has been giving thanks to God for such a gift every day!

Our trip first started with touring the grand canyon. It was gorgeous and eye opening to the Lords power and artistic creation. It really opened my paradigm, made me come to peace with a few of lifes biggest questions, it obliterated some of the misconceptions I periodically had about creation, but it secured the truth - this world was created and not just "made", or grown together, there is order and there is time and these processes did in fact time awhile to form such a wonderful thing. which to me is much more meanifful then believing it magically appeared.

We  spent the night at lake powl on the boarder of Arizona and Utah. This first night is where one of my fears arose. We went swimming in the lake bellow, I was embarrassed to change in front of the others, just because of some bad experiences that I had as a child. But this small thing was concqoured like many others which have left me bound by the ankles. It was a great campground though and the view around us was so vast, so surreal, I have never seen such openness, especially coming from a place like Los Anagles.

On the Second day we set out for Zion national park on, but before reaching that destination a few pit stops were taken. The first was at Antelope Canyon, the most intricially carved cave I have ever bared witness too. It was like walking through something painted by Salvador Dali. Our second stop was at horseshoe bend, a large curve in the Calorado river. We spent a few hours there looking out into the distance admiring its beauty, playing on the rocks, and creating a new confidence in eachother.

When we reached Zion national Park the first thing we did was scale a mountain, only after being in the park for thirty minutes. It was absolutely amazing. It was so exciting, the first little glimpse of adventure, of danger. I took some videos and pictures as well so to never forget the beauty and emotion that place brought. We all got to the top about forty five minutes later, it was one of the coolest accomplishments I have ever physically done.

Finally I would have to say the hike which made Zion a trip to remember was the eighteen mile hike through what was called "The narrows". We expected it to be an easy twelve miles, half on land and half in water. But in reality it turned out to be almost all in water, and very strenuous. There was a point that all of us reached wondering it we would make it, with six more miles to go and only two hours of day light available, hope began to sink. It was either push has hard as we can and keep going or possibly die...

On this trip my manhood took root at a rapid pace, my confidence grew and a littl respect for myself was gained. For the first time I have had real adventure, real danger, and real fun without any hold backs. I don't know what kind of person I have become now that I am back. I wonder what changes have taken place that others may notice. I feel like there have been plenty, but I will only know when people see and tell me.

Entry Thirty Eight: A confused Gate Keeper.

I havent blogged in such a long time. So much has happened over the past couple of weeks and I haven't jotted any of it down, how unfortunate...

Its been wild, fun, awkward, exciting, boring, slow, fast - everything. I have absolutely now idea where to start. Well, ill start with whats most important. This past month has been strange, I have been putting so much focus on having fun and being with friends, going to the beach, and rock climbing, that I feel I have left God on the curb. I am not sure how to take this, does God mind If I am having fun? Does he like watching me have fun? Is it ok that I don't feel like reading the bible, that I would rather be sun tanning or on my computer, or out with friends?

Perhaps not. If so, then my life has become apathetic, with Church and towards the idea of having my own quiet time. I have no internal motivation to read the word, no motivation to journal, and now, slowly, little by little each week I have less motivation towards heading to Church. Perhaps it is because so many of my spiritual fountains - "the people I cling to spiritually" have left. They were all on mission trips in Africa. My College pastor and my best friend.

I remember wondering about this a week ago, and becoming extremely aggravated at the idea - I "Cling" to specific people for spiritual nourishment. I should be able to obtain it through the holy spirit, right?
But the holy spirit is in them, so am I clinging to the holy spirit? Right'? Probably not, this isn't the problem. Because I have many people which nourish me spiritually, God has given me a wonderfully good circle of friends who I can call up at any time and get support from.

The holy spirit is in me, in them, in everything which is "good", uses everything which is "good". I do not mean "good", in the sense of nice, pretty, colorful, or kind. But "Good" in the eyes of God - satisfactory according to him. Which means I do not actually at any time need to seek it out, search for it high and low. There are many "good" people, "good" places, "good" songs, and "good" books that God has given me access to. I just need to open my eyes and make contact with them, keep pushing myself out of bed, they are everywhere! Open my heart and be vulnerable to the holy spirits continuous presence.

I realize now, in this moment, the process of building up walls has begun once again. Something in me feels insecure, feels under attack, perhaps this is my problem. I am tired of being vulnerable, or tired of fighting, fending off the things I don't want coming inside. Its like my heart is a grand gate, and I am its gate keeper. Both good and evil are knocking outside and if I open the gate, both flood in, but if both flood in, the good helps fight the bad. Where before, long ago, I remember my door was just slammed shut, I was numb, I was content, there was no fighting. There is a small part of me which is building up, breaking out of its hellish cage, whispering to close the gate again.

But I can not and will not! I would rather fight him then do battle with the things that run through my gate. There must be fighting! I must have something to fight for, there must be a reason behind my existence, behind my weariness, behind my longing for a bed, for rest, for comfort in Christ.

I have been preparing my heart for a very special event next week, a trip to Zion national park. I will not be brought down when there is a light at the end of this tunnel!

Entry Thirty Seven: Recapping the week - Memorial day.

Im not sure how to start this one off, its been such a long time sense I posted. I believe I explained in my last post what had happened to me just last week. It was a very off week, very strange, I had a car accident, my phone died, and a few other problems were brought up from the past. I can see now that it was simply God answering a few of my questions, (although he could have just said a Yes or No).

Basically I volunteered to go up to San Francisco with a friend,  I had the money, the courage, the ambition, but I never discussed it with God. So the next couple of days I thought about it, meditated, and prayed. On the third day my phone broke, and then an hour later I got into a car accident. I no longer had the money to go up there, and so I didn't, I asked and he answered. So instead of going up there I spent the weekend at home, with friends, and with family. It was nothing special, but still fun.

Its now monday, memorial day.  I went to the grocery store and spent some time with family. It was actually a lot of fun, brought back some good memories from the past. It almost feels as if the past never happened, I mean, when I look back at my childhood speciic memories strike me, peace, tranquility, a safety which I don't generally feel. But today all these things were present once again. Days like today are just so fun and exciting, so wonderful!

I also got a chance to go grocery shopping with a new friend of mine, new female friend. We are not dating, but actually just met a few weeks ago, about four I believe. This may sound a little strange, but for that hour I got a small taste of marriage, or at least one of the perks of it. I love shopping by myself, without my parents, but it is even more fun shopping with someone you genuinely appreciate! Not to say I do not appreciate my parents, but I mean, they are my parents, which is completely different then being with a peer.

As we began to finish up at the checkout isle my mind just started to jump from topic to topic, idea to idea, all the curiosities and wonders of being married, what it theoretically may look like. My subconscious just spurted out some of the ups I know that marriage has. Spending quality time together, having someone to be yourself around, all the time, in all your different moods! Having a kid, raising a kid, watching him/her grow, owning a house, owning a car, being completely independent! The perks, the wonderful amazing perks!I barley know the person, and I don't even know if I like her. Maybe the experience was just so overwhelming and soooo exciting that I just jumped to an end result, my brain had to.

Im not sure "why" my mind automatically jumped there, but I assume its completely normal, I know many of my other friends find someone they think such thing about, even outside of a dating situation, even with someone they barley know. Its just fun, its fun dreaming, its just fun dreaming about possibilities. Even though they may be 4-5-6-7 years in the future, its still fun. But, I didn't think much about dating, oddly. I guess the word just sounds dirty, the idea, I automatically jump to kissing, sex, and the ups and downs of a misused relationship, a means for just hooking up. Someone needs to find a word to replace is, a word which means taking is slow, with ambition, and admiration for the person you like, or possibly love.

In all the relationships I have seen in my own family, I haven't heard or seen much of what most people  describe to be dating, what this culture describes to be dating. Its as if my family is all using a totally different word, my word, the word I want to use, whatever it may come to be. My friends and family, are casual, fun, creative, theres more wine tasting and movie nights then makeout sessions, more visiting at Starbucks and the school library then parties, more going on hikes and bikes then to drives to vegas. And there is absolutely no sex until marriage - I messed up on that part already though, but it wont happen again! Theres one good use for fear, and thats keeping you in check haha.

..... ............ ............. hmmmm

Its interesting I just stumbled on all of this today, right now!!!!! Wow, Yesterday at Church this very topic was being talked about, a proper marriage, a dysfunctional relationship, sex inside of marriage and sex outside of marriage, Gods moral law, and why we should Obey it. How mind blowing, the Sunday they decide to talk about marriage is followed by a monday where I go grocery shopping with someone, and think about marriage. And prior to right now, prior to last night, I completely forgot about everything that was talked about sunday.

....... ........ hmmm ..........

That was a interesting experience, but now I have to prepare for tonight. I am meeting with a very old friend of mine tonight. He is "The one", my brotha from another motha, my twin of some sort, best friend, or at least he used to be. There are so many areas in his life which needs to change, needs extreme change. I know and believe, believe and know, that God is capable and willing, because I am where I am today (in the Church, dedicated, and very involved) and was where he is at one point in my life (Doing a lot of very... very bad things).

Im going to head over to his grand parents house around 6:00 hang out for a little, drive him to the airport, and give him a book I found. Its called (Answers to Tough questions). I hope he reads it, I wish I could give him Screwtape letters, that changed me in such a powerful way, opened my eyes to the evil things and lies which were being presented every day, in my life, and in others. Im going to keep pushing and pushing, and nudging him out of the darkness which is so obviously present in his life, drugs, sex, gambling, and God will do the rest.

Next time he comes down from San Francisco, ill had to read this blog, this post, and see what has happened!... in my life and in his.

Entry Thirty Six: Venting some Righteous Rage.

As I continue to think about and follow my life day by day, really look at and examine who I am, how I react, where I react, what I do, why I do it. I finally accept that its all up and down, its a constant war, not just on the inside but really on the outside. Its not just in my mind, heart, or soul, but in the world around me - in the physical. The Devil is real. This war is everywhere and at any given moment soldiers of the enemy can attack from all directions. What makes it so horrible is the fact this war Drags On. One battle is won, another is lost, one is lost another is won, in all areas and aspects of life.

Yesterday had a hard start and turned into a good day. The day before that it started off great and ended horribly. And today, it started out great, and then ended as a bad day. I thought I was over the hill for a small period of time. This morning I went to a friends graduation which was so fun and amazing to witness. I went to my moms house afterwards and that was great too. We watched K-17... then later that night, I left to go to church and on the drive home someone pulled out right in front of me and tried to kill both of us - Got into a car accident.

Thankfully though no one was heart, however I feel slightly traumatized. The family pulled out literally, right in front of me almost as if on purpose, awhile I was going 45 miles per hour down the street. Thankfully though something snapped inside my brain, God pulled a wire, which told my hands to react, right before T-boning the mom. Everything slowed down so dramatically, I remember looking over and seeing her face filled with laughter completely oblivious to what was happening. I flipped the wheel and my car made a hard left almost flipping over, slammed on my breaks, and that was that. 

Then tonight I hear some of the things others go through and there victories are greater, there triumphs larger, there life generally better, there level or rank in the eyes of God higher (All from the Sin of Pride). These are all horrible, bitter, coveting, disgusting thoughts... that come with comparison. Come with already low self esteem. I hear these things and a rage just stirs in me, one that makes me just want to cry... ball out and cry to God with all my heart. Because the pain that comes from it I just cant stand.

Partially knowing, mainly though, assuming there are patches of grass others walk on which is greener, there are streams which are cleaner, all these things which are less painful, more pure then mine, just does someone over. They make me view myself as a victim, I know, I feel so defeated. In these type of moments I wonder where is God? Why me? All victim, self deprecating questions. It all creates the illusion that my tiny pebble sitting over lava, which I have been balancing on so earnestly has finally melted.  Exactly why I am writing right now.

I'm right back to perceiving myself as the small Guy, the worthless little shit, with no meaning or purpose... ....... ...........

....................... pondering .......... ...... just .... pondering........

But these are lies. So regardless of how I feel, what I think, or what I may or may not believe... I am going to continue moving forward, continue fighting, God is my tactician and I am his Marine, We are going to beat the hell out of these demonic, life threatening forces which are against us, these "things", "circumstances" and "illusions" that constantly create imperfection and grief. Me and him, for his kingdom, my home. "If my God is with me, who can stand against me?" (Romans 8:31). If I don't believe Christ is with me, then I have already lost, and If I have lost, there is no reason to live, nothing to live for.

If there is no standard to reach, no bar to be meet, no triumph to proclaim - victory is meaningless, pointless, just  a imaginary idea. Which are the things we live our life's for? Meaning and Purpose! And as a Christian, love from our God. We live our life's to change, achieve, and to grow. That is our spiritual, emotional, and physical, obligation as human beings. So as Christians Christ is the source that allows us to reach these goals. But also allows us to reach much more, his values, his morals, and his demands. Everything which is good, everything that day by day makes the void we all share just a little less empty.

My wish, my hope, the last thing I do alive or dead, is to see Christ face to face, giving me a cup of living water "healing water" and telling me to drink of it, so that I may finally have all these human defects and imperfections be physical and spiritual - completely removed. So I can walk with him and exchange hugs. So he can sit me down, and for once verbally walk me through a battle plan. Equip me with a shield and a weapon. Most importantly, ask me to take a platoon of soldiers, lead them into battle against a dark army, who pillages innocent lives, attempts to destroy love, peace, and harmony. Forces which bring hatred, destruction, and death.

I can picture it now. During all this, with him leading me I will follow, yelling out a giant battle cry of righteous rage. Running side by side, with him and his army down the hills into battle, our weapons blazing and his glorious light shining. Then everything I have ever suffered will find justice, everything which I have somehow fallen into from my human earthly imperfection shall be sanctified. Through this last final battle, his kingdom will find untainted ground to rest upon for ever more, and in this all people will find peace, all pasts will be healed, all futures made holy and good.

To some it all sounds like madness, it all sounds like meaningless war, and the exact opposite to peace. But what peace do we really have on a day to day basis? None, our pets die, our family members divorce, our cars get smashed, our emotion are always up and down left and right, thrown in every direction from the smallest to largest of things. What I personally hate the most, things in this world require constant upkeep or they fall apart. There are just a million points that any man women or child with a lick of common sense can see,  I hope. Our world is not perfect, nor are any of us.

Sometimes I wonder if, as of right now, here on earth all of it is necessary. But I know that if we have nothing to overcome in the here and now, we would overcome nothing, and if we did not overcome, our life would find little meaning. Maybe life would be idle, all of us just sitting around drinking coffee and tea, probably... not even talking. Maybe it would be all movement with no real action, like ghosts just aimlessly floating around. To a degree I can understand this concept of command, conquer, destroy and rebuild, these bumps, hills, and roller coasters of emotion or perspective - rationalization, "things" which hit us like bricks to the face, in the "here and now".

They get us off our asses and get us moving into a direction which God wants us to drive in. They spark a God given rage towards Satan, his implementation of sin, his influence, which gets us through the day, and when we get through that day, hope is grown and we keep on going. The cycle repeats....... ..............

............. ..... ........ Pondering...... ....... Just.... doing some more... pondering.....

I really wish I was able to share all this in my small group that night. I wish I could have been just open with them up front. Even though so many of us have come to express how we feel about things and what is going on in our lives. For some reason I still sense a small amount of tension. I know a huge part of it is my fault, I am not being honest with myself or honest with the group. The days I have shitty day I don't really care to share, and the days I have a wonderful day I decide to down play it into being something worthless.

I am feeding off my own perceptions of the group, rather then starving myself of fear, and being open and honest. When I am low I need to be open, when I am feeling high, I need to share why. Instead I think about it to much "Im having a terrible day, but clearly so are some other people, well, ill just be the bigger man, I don't want to take up their time, ill share next week". Then when next week comes I have a wonderful week but share about what was bothering me days or a week before. Likewise I do the same thing when I have a wonderful week, I worry to much about making others feel horrible about there bad week.

Thankfully though this isn't always the case... Just last week, and probably many other times before.
I see and Fully understand that this is clearly inappropriate and I must apologize when we meet next.

Entry Thirty FIve: Intricate parts

These past few days have shed light on so much, its overwhelming to even begin. A  revelation through a Divinely planned revolution. Through years and years of strange encounters... with odd earthly inhabitants, followed odd experiences, I am enlightened. At least more then I was a few days ago. It all just hit me like the millennium falcon hitting light speed. I was almost knocked backwards a few times, not literally of course, or I mean physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

Last night I heard two fantastic testimonies from two wonderfully broken people, like myself, like you, like the rest of humanity (Each of us are broken in some form, and at some level). I found out that two people came together as friends because they both grew up in a similar environment with similar situations - but thats not what surprised me, what surprised me was God brought both of them together because that is what I know, he knows, they needed. And what are the odds of that - well I cant tell you because then I would have to explain the testimony.

Anyways, what followed afterwards was a security, a sense of peace about mine, so I began to share. It exciting but seemingly life threatening, it was freedom. Now I have shared it with others before, which I am equally proud of. It just went down a completely different way. This time, this time, I wasn't sitting in an office drowning in shame, or laying on the floor anxious and scared, or sitting in a coffee shop stuttering  . This time it all flowed out in a nice evenly space, well laid out manner. Which is what reaching this waypoint, or temporary finish line was all about.

The next day though, today, well... the devil was trying his very hardest to butter me up with confusion and lies. It was a battle from the get go, over things which had absolutely nothing to do with last night. Waking up to my father having a small anxiety attack, then later in the day feeling lonely, from some of the people I asked to hang out, and then later on there were a few smaller things which just caused aggravation.

But it all changed after I made the decision to go hiking, it was spawned from conviction. For some reason God wanted me to conquer that mountain - so I did. Then I attended a small fund raiser for a friends trip to Zimbabwe. He really wants to do some short term mission work which I fully support.
Afterwards there was a great party, and I had a blast.

Things turned out well, I shared the night before, grew and then was tested, and I passed the test by climbing that mountain the next day and overcoming the devils attacks on my will! What I have realized is this is our mission every day, every other day, every week, and every other week - is to grow, be attacked, and overcome/continue to grow. Its such a simple idea, but a grand Idea, such a simple grand Idea. But I absolutely love how it is carried out. I could not have created nor imagined something so clever and creative. Through all the people we meet, through all the experiences we have, through all the decisions we decide to make and all the opportunities which come our way.

Through these things we are tested and overcome, life is bootcamp for something, what that exactly is... I haven't the clue.

Now I am ready for bed. Tomorrow is Sunday. Really looking forward to my friends Graduation and Church!

Entry Thirty Four: My 21st birthday

Last thursday was my official birthday. I am now 21 - and in awe. I didn't do much, but just go to work, come home and morph into a couch potato. Now don't just assume that I don't enjoy celebrating my birthday (even though that is slightly true - was more true a few years ago), my party was just set for the following day instead. I decided to throw a bonfire bash at Huntington Beach.

My party was yesterday and it completely obliterated all thoughts and precursors about its overall outcome.  There were quiet a few scenarios which I was dreadfully fearful of actually happening. I wondered if someone might invite their parents, assuming mine might be there as well. Now it sounds funny, but I was honestly not sure, because I called it an "open event" and said "the more the merrier". Although I see now, that was unlikely to actually happen.

Another worry, which happens often at semi-large events is people becoming reserved, isolated, and awkward. However, to my surprise this didn't happen. Everyone blended well, made some new friendships and kindled those which already existed - just overwhelms my heart with joy! I hope to see these faces all again doing something together in fellowship soon!

But enough of these past worries, I have to mention some of the key points (divine moments) which made this party so unique and special. Well firstly, everyone I hoped would show up actually showed up! And as I said earlier there were many different people from different backgrounds all getting along well. Secondly, we decided to take a walk down the beach and when we did we ran into a small group of people who openly just greeted us, we talked for a few moments then moved on. Which is unique in our current world. I believe it will change though, maybe more of these instances will start to occur!

Lastly, the game of Red Rover. When we reached the pier underneath we found someone completely covered in a black stage suit. He was running around hiding behind the support beams like Peter Pan shadow or something, in a jokingly manner messing with us, and at first none of us even knew what "it" was. After chasing him for a few moments he retreated out from under the pier and over to his friends sitting about fifty feet on a sand dune. When we saw that our group moved out from under the pier and took one or two steps towards the other group.

Like wise the people on the dune got up and walked down a about ten or fifteen feet. It was so amazing watching both groups witness each other, ours and theres, from an outside perspective it was like watching two African tribes meet for the first time. We walked up towards them trying to get there friend to come back, chased him once or twice, then one or two of them came and chased us. Keep in each group is like thirty feet away from each other.

The climax was when both sides were about to leave and I shouted RED ROVER. It was almost magical, everyone in our group looked at each other and then lined up. But what came next was just totally mind imploding, there group did too! Can you picture that, two groups of about 15 people not even able to hear each others voices randomly running into each other at the pier and playing Red Rover, with no talking and absolutely no names.

 "Red Rover Red Rover send somebody over" we all cried. The whole thing lasted about five minutes before they began whispering and then charged us. Among the chaos we all shook hands and greeted each other, gave out hugs - then went out separate ways. It happened so fast, the greeting the hugs, the goodbyes, but when I saw that it was like getting a glimpse of peace of earth. It lead me to some great questions and some... concerns which I have been contemplating.

Over all, I could not have asked for anything more special. I prayed that God would show me his wonder, and I asked that my beach party would be for him, for building some sort of community and having some level of good honest fellowship. And I specifically prayed that my group would be able to meet strangers and have fun with them, specifically like what happened at the first bonfire meeting. Yet he took is a step further and gave me something even more. I hope those moments we spent with the other group by the pier will never be forgotten.

Its strange getting old, each time another year is added, or rather taken away from you life span, you look back and reflect once again on all the many, many, many... things which you have experienced thus far.   In doing so the Novel which is my life becomes more and more clear,  I have came across some magnificent conclusions. This year its quiet obvious that everything is finally beginning to make sense.

Entry Thirty Three: My thoughts on current times and the rapture.

Im not sure why this came to me, perhaps it is because of the worlds current extenuating circumstances, the kind our news feed and media channels are bombarded with every day. The most recent stories like - Germany buying our New York Stock Exchange, China building its third carrier and stealth fighter, England's prince getting married, Osama Bin Laden's death, and the riots still raging in the middle east.

We are living in some wild times - as usual. What bothers me in particular is Bin Laden's death. Obama has taken credit for one victory, I can only perceive that if he gets re-elected and then takes a second.... world peace may actually be in order. Although that might be jumping the gun, who knows if the next runner up is equally capable of fulfilling what needs to be done. The wars to the east may actually come to a complete close either way.

But not because of this alone, no, our president only plays one small part and I am sure other pawns must fall into place for that sort of phenomena to accrue (peace). China needs to make its stance, turn into a official world military power - which it is on its way to becoming. England needs to announce its new King and hand power back over to the monarchy rather then having parliament take charge - which is on its way to happening.

But more then anything the United states needs to become a socialist country - which is on its way to happening. If we abandon our democracy, then the others just recently established -  like in russia, will surely fall. I imagine that without our constant advocation and encouragement for democracy, many nations go back to there politically, historical, roots. Which for the most part all lay in some form of socialism.

This if of course only one side to multiple predicted outcomes of multiple predicted events. Who knows, maybe Chinas economic bubble may finally collapse with the rise of oil and our low buying. Maybe England's prince will run into trouble - assassination of some sort or a divorce from his wife. Maybe parliament will just refuse to hand over its power. Maybe Obama will get impeached, or fallout of the campaign for 2012. Perhaps the next president will be equally incompetent and things will keeping going the way they are going - in no sold direction.

I cant say for sure how the book of revelations lays this out because there has been much speculation. I personally believe its literal because it is not the only writing in the world which predicts an End Time Scenario. The evidence is clear to me, there must actually be an end time scenario, and I don't think its going to be way off in the future when we colonize mars, or develop interstellar teleportation.

Then again its all up to Gods timing. He decided when to create the earth, when to place Christ into ow timeline. So like wise I imagine he can at any time flip the switch for the end it. To some I assume the idea of having an all knowing all powerful entity, which has the ability to decide - have cognitive thought, must be frighting.

Speaking of end times -  the rapture has been on my mind. I have absolutely no idea how it will take place or at what time. All I can say is, I think the best way to describe it would be "Christmas". I believe this because the two are very similar, everyone who celebrates Christmas looks forward to it, because everyone knows there is a gift waiting under the tree, which they just cant wait to open.

And like Christmas we celebrate the Rapture and its coming because we know there is a gift waiting for us. The people who decide to pick up there part of the rope, or Cross, or Sin, or whatever you want to call it. We lay down our pride and follow. Through this we get access to enteral joy in heaven, free of pain, suffering, crying, and death.... all through simply accepting Jesus Christ the example which through the fathers grave was given to us.

I know on Christmas everyone looks for the present marked with there name. And also like Christmas we unfortunately do not give much consideration, or forethought to those who do not have a gift, who do not have a tree, or a family, or a real understanding of why others celebrate, why we celebrate. I like to think it is our Job as Christians to make sure people who do not yet understand, understanding, and those who do not have the gift, are given it.

This is something I hope to focus on more... Sharing the love, so at the end we all sit on the train to heaven.

Entry Thirty Two: There is so much to tell!

So much has happened sense I first opened this blog. Its mind boggling! I don't even know where to begin...

My grandfather passed away about a month ago. I recall posting about that but never announced it, well now its official. I attended his memorial service. It was a wonderful service. My mother and my father were both there, and my father was able to see my mothers family! Something he has not be able to do since the divorce.

On the bright side my grandfather left me some very special gifts. I inherited all of his clothes! They are beautiful and wearing them is a great honor. Each time I slip on one of his sweaters or hat, or something of his I get excited. Its like me bringing him back to life for just a few moments and then having him walk around with me. I received about six sweaters, two suits, a really nice vest, a pair of gloves and a number of hats. But my most favorite - his watch! I cant remember a time where my grandfather was not wearing a watch. He had one on his wrist at all times doing any sort of work.

I really wish I kept up with this blog, it would make writing simple... right now my brain is being pulverized with my most current memories and making it very difficult to compose them in order.

So much has happened at church its a little overwhelming. Everything has moved so fast. I was invited to a leadership retreat and heard some very powerful testimonies, they were all extremely motivating. It was a little hard being there at first, It took me a few days to get comfortable but when I did, that comfort and love just continued to grow. I like to believe that I still hold it with the people which I spent time with up there.

I am not sure if I blogged about this earlier or even hinted at it, but I was accepted to APU for the fall. Registration starts in one week, and I am so excited!... I will also be taking one class in the summer. Unlimited food, housing, an opportunity to make friends, to live in a God loving community! It is an answer to prayer and such a blessing. I just cant wait!!!!

Annnddd the thoughts rush in again... hmm... well I also blessed with a job. Two weeks ago... speaking of which, this actually is an answer to one of my specific prayers. If I haven't noted this before in any of my posts, I have a small prayer list which I started about oh... I don't know, maybe a month ago. I believe it was in early March.

I have been given all these wonderful things, and I now I pray that God gives me discernment and guidance in using them. What is gold if you don't know how to make jewelry? Its the same for all of this, what are all of these blessings if I can not produce something out of them and spread it in some way to others.

Entry Thirty One: Accepting the reality of death brings light.

When you witness the the passing of a good man - a man that has played what you perceive as a amazing work, from the simplest of things like learning to ride a bike to understanding the universe, and maybe its creator. When you see the pulse stop, the flame leave, the spirit pass, the soul cry out, the fact what he was is no more - reality at twenty years old becomes very bleak or.... for me very optimistic, or a better word ALIVE.

The facts, or maybe emotions, the out of world experiences which you have just been engulfed by makes your head spin to a point where you at the climax wish for death too. You begin to reason with all the other oddities which your five senses have recorded or picked up. Them being words, actions, your mother, father, friends, family, and every other being or concept you have made contact with thus far.

But when seeing death you completely and fully realize our bodies are a cage to a spirit, a entity, a object or "Something" which is very mysterious. That unfortunately, on a individual basis only one of our very limited tools can attempt to describe - words. I say that it is Something that is not apart of our human biology, surely not apart of our "human condition", nor apart of what makes us who we are.... here on earth, now in time, and possibly later.

I have accepted it is as The Spirit, you may see it as an entity or object, but we all see it as a thing beyond any current form of "scientific" explanation. It resides in all of us and at the same time outside of us.... A poor example would be like the Gases in our atmosphere. We breath one of them which gives us life, but it is also apart of a much bigger system and process. Like this Something much more gorgeous, great, and vast then our knowledge of what "this", or "life", or "reality", or " the universe", or "plan" could possibly be.

The same "Something" which everyone I believe has seen through the death of a loved one. Shown to those who have yet to witness, using forms of communication which always underperform the discovery - or awareness. Such as the many forms of english, in different contexts which run under the lines of mythology, philosophy, theology, and now under science, who all equally falter in the attempt to label with pure translation - translation of what we know to be the simple sum of all.

Entry Thirty: Missing the "missions", memories, and love of my old mentor.

Today brings sadness and joy. My grandfather Wendell Wardell Woods passed around noon. He was, and in my heart still is, a great man. He served as a Missionary in japan for twenty five years, spreading the love and support of Christ to the best of his human ability. He was a Pastor, husband, and great Father of four children.

But more then anything a successful Grandfather. He provided so much for our family, for our faith, for our future, and invested so much in my childhood. Without his wisdom and love I would not be the person who I am today. I would not have this understanding of God and his amazing Grace.

I will never forget all the memories we spent together. The times he took me out on bicycle rides as a child, the times he took me for long drives so I could fall asleep, the times he spent outside playing games or gardening. And I will never forget the time we picked peaches and I ate a worm...


I love you Papa, so very much, and I miss you now, but know I will See you again.

Your grandson,
Tyler.