Entry Thirty Seven: Recapping the week - Memorial day.

Im not sure how to start this one off, its been such a long time sense I posted. I believe I explained in my last post what had happened to me just last week. It was a very off week, very strange, I had a car accident, my phone died, and a few other problems were brought up from the past. I can see now that it was simply God answering a few of my questions, (although he could have just said a Yes or No).

Basically I volunteered to go up to San Francisco with a friend,  I had the money, the courage, the ambition, but I never discussed it with God. So the next couple of days I thought about it, meditated, and prayed. On the third day my phone broke, and then an hour later I got into a car accident. I no longer had the money to go up there, and so I didn't, I asked and he answered. So instead of going up there I spent the weekend at home, with friends, and with family. It was nothing special, but still fun.

Its now monday, memorial day.  I went to the grocery store and spent some time with family. It was actually a lot of fun, brought back some good memories from the past. It almost feels as if the past never happened, I mean, when I look back at my childhood speciic memories strike me, peace, tranquility, a safety which I don't generally feel. But today all these things were present once again. Days like today are just so fun and exciting, so wonderful!

I also got a chance to go grocery shopping with a new friend of mine, new female friend. We are not dating, but actually just met a few weeks ago, about four I believe. This may sound a little strange, but for that hour I got a small taste of marriage, or at least one of the perks of it. I love shopping by myself, without my parents, but it is even more fun shopping with someone you genuinely appreciate! Not to say I do not appreciate my parents, but I mean, they are my parents, which is completely different then being with a peer.

As we began to finish up at the checkout isle my mind just started to jump from topic to topic, idea to idea, all the curiosities and wonders of being married, what it theoretically may look like. My subconscious just spurted out some of the ups I know that marriage has. Spending quality time together, having someone to be yourself around, all the time, in all your different moods! Having a kid, raising a kid, watching him/her grow, owning a house, owning a car, being completely independent! The perks, the wonderful amazing perks!I barley know the person, and I don't even know if I like her. Maybe the experience was just so overwhelming and soooo exciting that I just jumped to an end result, my brain had to.

Im not sure "why" my mind automatically jumped there, but I assume its completely normal, I know many of my other friends find someone they think such thing about, even outside of a dating situation, even with someone they barley know. Its just fun, its fun dreaming, its just fun dreaming about possibilities. Even though they may be 4-5-6-7 years in the future, its still fun. But, I didn't think much about dating, oddly. I guess the word just sounds dirty, the idea, I automatically jump to kissing, sex, and the ups and downs of a misused relationship, a means for just hooking up. Someone needs to find a word to replace is, a word which means taking is slow, with ambition, and admiration for the person you like, or possibly love.

In all the relationships I have seen in my own family, I haven't heard or seen much of what most people  describe to be dating, what this culture describes to be dating. Its as if my family is all using a totally different word, my word, the word I want to use, whatever it may come to be. My friends and family, are casual, fun, creative, theres more wine tasting and movie nights then makeout sessions, more visiting at Starbucks and the school library then parties, more going on hikes and bikes then to drives to vegas. And there is absolutely no sex until marriage - I messed up on that part already though, but it wont happen again! Theres one good use for fear, and thats keeping you in check haha.

..... ............ ............. hmmmm

Its interesting I just stumbled on all of this today, right now!!!!! Wow, Yesterday at Church this very topic was being talked about, a proper marriage, a dysfunctional relationship, sex inside of marriage and sex outside of marriage, Gods moral law, and why we should Obey it. How mind blowing, the Sunday they decide to talk about marriage is followed by a monday where I go grocery shopping with someone, and think about marriage. And prior to right now, prior to last night, I completely forgot about everything that was talked about sunday.

....... ........ hmmm ..........

That was a interesting experience, but now I have to prepare for tonight. I am meeting with a very old friend of mine tonight. He is "The one", my brotha from another motha, my twin of some sort, best friend, or at least he used to be. There are so many areas in his life which needs to change, needs extreme change. I know and believe, believe and know, that God is capable and willing, because I am where I am today (in the Church, dedicated, and very involved) and was where he is at one point in my life (Doing a lot of very... very bad things).

Im going to head over to his grand parents house around 6:00 hang out for a little, drive him to the airport, and give him a book I found. Its called (Answers to Tough questions). I hope he reads it, I wish I could give him Screwtape letters, that changed me in such a powerful way, opened my eyes to the evil things and lies which were being presented every day, in my life, and in others. Im going to keep pushing and pushing, and nudging him out of the darkness which is so obviously present in his life, drugs, sex, gambling, and God will do the rest.

Next time he comes down from San Francisco, ill had to read this blog, this post, and see what has happened!... in my life and in his.

Entry Thirty Six: Venting some Righteous Rage.

As I continue to think about and follow my life day by day, really look at and examine who I am, how I react, where I react, what I do, why I do it. I finally accept that its all up and down, its a constant war, not just on the inside but really on the outside. Its not just in my mind, heart, or soul, but in the world around me - in the physical. The Devil is real. This war is everywhere and at any given moment soldiers of the enemy can attack from all directions. What makes it so horrible is the fact this war Drags On. One battle is won, another is lost, one is lost another is won, in all areas and aspects of life.

Yesterday had a hard start and turned into a good day. The day before that it started off great and ended horribly. And today, it started out great, and then ended as a bad day. I thought I was over the hill for a small period of time. This morning I went to a friends graduation which was so fun and amazing to witness. I went to my moms house afterwards and that was great too. We watched K-17... then later that night, I left to go to church and on the drive home someone pulled out right in front of me and tried to kill both of us - Got into a car accident.

Thankfully though no one was heart, however I feel slightly traumatized. The family pulled out literally, right in front of me almost as if on purpose, awhile I was going 45 miles per hour down the street. Thankfully though something snapped inside my brain, God pulled a wire, which told my hands to react, right before T-boning the mom. Everything slowed down so dramatically, I remember looking over and seeing her face filled with laughter completely oblivious to what was happening. I flipped the wheel and my car made a hard left almost flipping over, slammed on my breaks, and that was that. 

Then tonight I hear some of the things others go through and there victories are greater, there triumphs larger, there life generally better, there level or rank in the eyes of God higher (All from the Sin of Pride). These are all horrible, bitter, coveting, disgusting thoughts... that come with comparison. Come with already low self esteem. I hear these things and a rage just stirs in me, one that makes me just want to cry... ball out and cry to God with all my heart. Because the pain that comes from it I just cant stand.

Partially knowing, mainly though, assuming there are patches of grass others walk on which is greener, there are streams which are cleaner, all these things which are less painful, more pure then mine, just does someone over. They make me view myself as a victim, I know, I feel so defeated. In these type of moments I wonder where is God? Why me? All victim, self deprecating questions. It all creates the illusion that my tiny pebble sitting over lava, which I have been balancing on so earnestly has finally melted.  Exactly why I am writing right now.

I'm right back to perceiving myself as the small Guy, the worthless little shit, with no meaning or purpose... ....... ...........

....................... pondering .......... ...... just .... pondering........

But these are lies. So regardless of how I feel, what I think, or what I may or may not believe... I am going to continue moving forward, continue fighting, God is my tactician and I am his Marine, We are going to beat the hell out of these demonic, life threatening forces which are against us, these "things", "circumstances" and "illusions" that constantly create imperfection and grief. Me and him, for his kingdom, my home. "If my God is with me, who can stand against me?" (Romans 8:31). If I don't believe Christ is with me, then I have already lost, and If I have lost, there is no reason to live, nothing to live for.

If there is no standard to reach, no bar to be meet, no triumph to proclaim - victory is meaningless, pointless, just  a imaginary idea. Which are the things we live our life's for? Meaning and Purpose! And as a Christian, love from our God. We live our life's to change, achieve, and to grow. That is our spiritual, emotional, and physical, obligation as human beings. So as Christians Christ is the source that allows us to reach these goals. But also allows us to reach much more, his values, his morals, and his demands. Everything which is good, everything that day by day makes the void we all share just a little less empty.

My wish, my hope, the last thing I do alive or dead, is to see Christ face to face, giving me a cup of living water "healing water" and telling me to drink of it, so that I may finally have all these human defects and imperfections be physical and spiritual - completely removed. So I can walk with him and exchange hugs. So he can sit me down, and for once verbally walk me through a battle plan. Equip me with a shield and a weapon. Most importantly, ask me to take a platoon of soldiers, lead them into battle against a dark army, who pillages innocent lives, attempts to destroy love, peace, and harmony. Forces which bring hatred, destruction, and death.

I can picture it now. During all this, with him leading me I will follow, yelling out a giant battle cry of righteous rage. Running side by side, with him and his army down the hills into battle, our weapons blazing and his glorious light shining. Then everything I have ever suffered will find justice, everything which I have somehow fallen into from my human earthly imperfection shall be sanctified. Through this last final battle, his kingdom will find untainted ground to rest upon for ever more, and in this all people will find peace, all pasts will be healed, all futures made holy and good.

To some it all sounds like madness, it all sounds like meaningless war, and the exact opposite to peace. But what peace do we really have on a day to day basis? None, our pets die, our family members divorce, our cars get smashed, our emotion are always up and down left and right, thrown in every direction from the smallest to largest of things. What I personally hate the most, things in this world require constant upkeep or they fall apart. There are just a million points that any man women or child with a lick of common sense can see,  I hope. Our world is not perfect, nor are any of us.

Sometimes I wonder if, as of right now, here on earth all of it is necessary. But I know that if we have nothing to overcome in the here and now, we would overcome nothing, and if we did not overcome, our life would find little meaning. Maybe life would be idle, all of us just sitting around drinking coffee and tea, probably... not even talking. Maybe it would be all movement with no real action, like ghosts just aimlessly floating around. To a degree I can understand this concept of command, conquer, destroy and rebuild, these bumps, hills, and roller coasters of emotion or perspective - rationalization, "things" which hit us like bricks to the face, in the "here and now".

They get us off our asses and get us moving into a direction which God wants us to drive in. They spark a God given rage towards Satan, his implementation of sin, his influence, which gets us through the day, and when we get through that day, hope is grown and we keep on going. The cycle repeats....... ..............

............. ..... ........ Pondering...... ....... Just.... doing some more... pondering.....

I really wish I was able to share all this in my small group that night. I wish I could have been just open with them up front. Even though so many of us have come to express how we feel about things and what is going on in our lives. For some reason I still sense a small amount of tension. I know a huge part of it is my fault, I am not being honest with myself or honest with the group. The days I have shitty day I don't really care to share, and the days I have a wonderful day I decide to down play it into being something worthless.

I am feeding off my own perceptions of the group, rather then starving myself of fear, and being open and honest. When I am low I need to be open, when I am feeling high, I need to share why. Instead I think about it to much "Im having a terrible day, but clearly so are some other people, well, ill just be the bigger man, I don't want to take up their time, ill share next week". Then when next week comes I have a wonderful week but share about what was bothering me days or a week before. Likewise I do the same thing when I have a wonderful week, I worry to much about making others feel horrible about there bad week.

Thankfully though this isn't always the case... Just last week, and probably many other times before.
I see and Fully understand that this is clearly inappropriate and I must apologize when we meet next.

Entry Thirty FIve: Intricate parts

These past few days have shed light on so much, its overwhelming to even begin. A  revelation through a Divinely planned revolution. Through years and years of strange encounters... with odd earthly inhabitants, followed odd experiences, I am enlightened. At least more then I was a few days ago. It all just hit me like the millennium falcon hitting light speed. I was almost knocked backwards a few times, not literally of course, or I mean physically, but emotionally and spiritually.

Last night I heard two fantastic testimonies from two wonderfully broken people, like myself, like you, like the rest of humanity (Each of us are broken in some form, and at some level). I found out that two people came together as friends because they both grew up in a similar environment with similar situations - but thats not what surprised me, what surprised me was God brought both of them together because that is what I know, he knows, they needed. And what are the odds of that - well I cant tell you because then I would have to explain the testimony.

Anyways, what followed afterwards was a security, a sense of peace about mine, so I began to share. It exciting but seemingly life threatening, it was freedom. Now I have shared it with others before, which I am equally proud of. It just went down a completely different way. This time, this time, I wasn't sitting in an office drowning in shame, or laying on the floor anxious and scared, or sitting in a coffee shop stuttering  . This time it all flowed out in a nice evenly space, well laid out manner. Which is what reaching this waypoint, or temporary finish line was all about.

The next day though, today, well... the devil was trying his very hardest to butter me up with confusion and lies. It was a battle from the get go, over things which had absolutely nothing to do with last night. Waking up to my father having a small anxiety attack, then later in the day feeling lonely, from some of the people I asked to hang out, and then later on there were a few smaller things which just caused aggravation.

But it all changed after I made the decision to go hiking, it was spawned from conviction. For some reason God wanted me to conquer that mountain - so I did. Then I attended a small fund raiser for a friends trip to Zimbabwe. He really wants to do some short term mission work which I fully support.
Afterwards there was a great party, and I had a blast.

Things turned out well, I shared the night before, grew and then was tested, and I passed the test by climbing that mountain the next day and overcoming the devils attacks on my will! What I have realized is this is our mission every day, every other day, every week, and every other week - is to grow, be attacked, and overcome/continue to grow. Its such a simple idea, but a grand Idea, such a simple grand Idea. But I absolutely love how it is carried out. I could not have created nor imagined something so clever and creative. Through all the people we meet, through all the experiences we have, through all the decisions we decide to make and all the opportunities which come our way.

Through these things we are tested and overcome, life is bootcamp for something, what that exactly is... I haven't the clue.

Now I am ready for bed. Tomorrow is Sunday. Really looking forward to my friends Graduation and Church!

Entry Thirty Four: My 21st birthday

Last thursday was my official birthday. I am now 21 - and in awe. I didn't do much, but just go to work, come home and morph into a couch potato. Now don't just assume that I don't enjoy celebrating my birthday (even though that is slightly true - was more true a few years ago), my party was just set for the following day instead. I decided to throw a bonfire bash at Huntington Beach.

My party was yesterday and it completely obliterated all thoughts and precursors about its overall outcome.  There were quiet a few scenarios which I was dreadfully fearful of actually happening. I wondered if someone might invite their parents, assuming mine might be there as well. Now it sounds funny, but I was honestly not sure, because I called it an "open event" and said "the more the merrier". Although I see now, that was unlikely to actually happen.

Another worry, which happens often at semi-large events is people becoming reserved, isolated, and awkward. However, to my surprise this didn't happen. Everyone blended well, made some new friendships and kindled those which already existed - just overwhelms my heart with joy! I hope to see these faces all again doing something together in fellowship soon!

But enough of these past worries, I have to mention some of the key points (divine moments) which made this party so unique and special. Well firstly, everyone I hoped would show up actually showed up! And as I said earlier there were many different people from different backgrounds all getting along well. Secondly, we decided to take a walk down the beach and when we did we ran into a small group of people who openly just greeted us, we talked for a few moments then moved on. Which is unique in our current world. I believe it will change though, maybe more of these instances will start to occur!

Lastly, the game of Red Rover. When we reached the pier underneath we found someone completely covered in a black stage suit. He was running around hiding behind the support beams like Peter Pan shadow or something, in a jokingly manner messing with us, and at first none of us even knew what "it" was. After chasing him for a few moments he retreated out from under the pier and over to his friends sitting about fifty feet on a sand dune. When we saw that our group moved out from under the pier and took one or two steps towards the other group.

Like wise the people on the dune got up and walked down a about ten or fifteen feet. It was so amazing watching both groups witness each other, ours and theres, from an outside perspective it was like watching two African tribes meet for the first time. We walked up towards them trying to get there friend to come back, chased him once or twice, then one or two of them came and chased us. Keep in each group is like thirty feet away from each other.

The climax was when both sides were about to leave and I shouted RED ROVER. It was almost magical, everyone in our group looked at each other and then lined up. But what came next was just totally mind imploding, there group did too! Can you picture that, two groups of about 15 people not even able to hear each others voices randomly running into each other at the pier and playing Red Rover, with no talking and absolutely no names.

 "Red Rover Red Rover send somebody over" we all cried. The whole thing lasted about five minutes before they began whispering and then charged us. Among the chaos we all shook hands and greeted each other, gave out hugs - then went out separate ways. It happened so fast, the greeting the hugs, the goodbyes, but when I saw that it was like getting a glimpse of peace of earth. It lead me to some great questions and some... concerns which I have been contemplating.

Over all, I could not have asked for anything more special. I prayed that God would show me his wonder, and I asked that my beach party would be for him, for building some sort of community and having some level of good honest fellowship. And I specifically prayed that my group would be able to meet strangers and have fun with them, specifically like what happened at the first bonfire meeting. Yet he took is a step further and gave me something even more. I hope those moments we spent with the other group by the pier will never be forgotten.

Its strange getting old, each time another year is added, or rather taken away from you life span, you look back and reflect once again on all the many, many, many... things which you have experienced thus far.   In doing so the Novel which is my life becomes more and more clear,  I have came across some magnificent conclusions. This year its quiet obvious that everything is finally beginning to make sense.

Entry Thirty Three: My thoughts on current times and the rapture.

Im not sure why this came to me, perhaps it is because of the worlds current extenuating circumstances, the kind our news feed and media channels are bombarded with every day. The most recent stories like - Germany buying our New York Stock Exchange, China building its third carrier and stealth fighter, England's prince getting married, Osama Bin Laden's death, and the riots still raging in the middle east.

We are living in some wild times - as usual. What bothers me in particular is Bin Laden's death. Obama has taken credit for one victory, I can only perceive that if he gets re-elected and then takes a second.... world peace may actually be in order. Although that might be jumping the gun, who knows if the next runner up is equally capable of fulfilling what needs to be done. The wars to the east may actually come to a complete close either way.

But not because of this alone, no, our president only plays one small part and I am sure other pawns must fall into place for that sort of phenomena to accrue (peace). China needs to make its stance, turn into a official world military power - which it is on its way to becoming. England needs to announce its new King and hand power back over to the monarchy rather then having parliament take charge - which is on its way to happening.

But more then anything the United states needs to become a socialist country - which is on its way to happening. If we abandon our democracy, then the others just recently established -  like in russia, will surely fall. I imagine that without our constant advocation and encouragement for democracy, many nations go back to there politically, historical, roots. Which for the most part all lay in some form of socialism.

This if of course only one side to multiple predicted outcomes of multiple predicted events. Who knows, maybe Chinas economic bubble may finally collapse with the rise of oil and our low buying. Maybe England's prince will run into trouble - assassination of some sort or a divorce from his wife. Maybe parliament will just refuse to hand over its power. Maybe Obama will get impeached, or fallout of the campaign for 2012. Perhaps the next president will be equally incompetent and things will keeping going the way they are going - in no sold direction.

I cant say for sure how the book of revelations lays this out because there has been much speculation. I personally believe its literal because it is not the only writing in the world which predicts an End Time Scenario. The evidence is clear to me, there must actually be an end time scenario, and I don't think its going to be way off in the future when we colonize mars, or develop interstellar teleportation.

Then again its all up to Gods timing. He decided when to create the earth, when to place Christ into ow timeline. So like wise I imagine he can at any time flip the switch for the end it. To some I assume the idea of having an all knowing all powerful entity, which has the ability to decide - have cognitive thought, must be frighting.

Speaking of end times -  the rapture has been on my mind. I have absolutely no idea how it will take place or at what time. All I can say is, I think the best way to describe it would be "Christmas". I believe this because the two are very similar, everyone who celebrates Christmas looks forward to it, because everyone knows there is a gift waiting under the tree, which they just cant wait to open.

And like Christmas we celebrate the Rapture and its coming because we know there is a gift waiting for us. The people who decide to pick up there part of the rope, or Cross, or Sin, or whatever you want to call it. We lay down our pride and follow. Through this we get access to enteral joy in heaven, free of pain, suffering, crying, and death.... all through simply accepting Jesus Christ the example which through the fathers grave was given to us.

I know on Christmas everyone looks for the present marked with there name. And also like Christmas we unfortunately do not give much consideration, or forethought to those who do not have a gift, who do not have a tree, or a family, or a real understanding of why others celebrate, why we celebrate. I like to think it is our Job as Christians to make sure people who do not yet understand, understanding, and those who do not have the gift, are given it.

This is something I hope to focus on more... Sharing the love, so at the end we all sit on the train to heaven.