Entry Two: Reflection of the past

Its been awhile sense I last touched a video game. When I was younger (age 15-16) I played a multitude of them, it became a lifestyle. Buying the latest issue of "Game Pro", having my social life online rather then reality, and only leaving the room for two things - food and the bathroom. Looking back now it was fun, but a poor way to live those years.

That life style was created due to many past events, but started all because of one thing, a game specifically - Halo. A year after it came out, my parents finally allowed me to buy it. During that year I found something that I could do with others. I began to spend hours at my friends house. Staying up late, pulling all nighters, and eating junk food.

The only thing that made this possible was High School. Homework wasn't too strenuous and my social life wasn't huge. I had plenty of time to kill and a small nich of friends to do it with. I probably could have put my time to better uses. Instead of blowing half a day on Battle field 2, or COD I could have been learning guitar, Drums, or how to repair a car.

Its different now, at 18 I finally manned up and dropped it all, like a dirty habit. Two years later (today) I wonder what my life would look like if I continued. At least back then I had a unquestionable title, "He's a gamer" people would say. Now? I don't really know what I am, "a college student"? Tonight I have the strangest urge to go away in a world of death, explosions, and spawn points. Its probably because of the recent stress I have been under.

Its amazing how much I have changed from who I was in that day. I went from Confused Christian, and anti social, and complete egoistical bastard, to... loving, more outgoing, and more understanding. I went from a world of tunnel vision to a world of reality. Its no longer about Xbox live, but about being alive.

I wish that change could have come faster. Today I see many of my peers much more successful because of the seemingly small decisions they made during there youth. Skills that you can only learn with time. It would also be nice if I started a blog long ago, then all of those times I needed something to recall, something to reflect on, something to improve, I would have it. I cant count the times I stayed up late thinking about something, and then completely forget about it the next day.

At least now I am, and its a start. Ten years from now I cant even imagine what I will look like, and what this blog will turn into.

Entry One: The sum of things

Its been awhile sense I took the time to write a note or letter about myself, progress, life's biggest questions... you know small stuff. Some of you who already know me well, see me and my name and know me through many many titles... titles I have given myself through mistakes and/or good fortunes. However none of these I would ever want to keep or make "my title", because my journey in life hasnt stopped. 

As a human being I want to continue to grow. I want to continue to break, mold, and build new and greater titles. I have made many mistakes through the course of my life. Which I believe is pretty pathetic, sense iv only been on earth 2o years. But most, I'm sure many others have made, regardless of age, the ladder, or rank in life they play.  Thankfully through the support of my family, prayer, and god - I have been given the chance to fix them. 

I want to point out that "birds of a feather flock together" could not be any truer. Part of the repair work I am doing, has a great deal to do with friendships and who I acquaint myself with. I have to do this, as all of us have to do, for the better of both parties. Wether its friendships, dating, or a real relationship, you hit that point where you both eventually stop growing. Being with someone who cant lift you up, or you cant lift up is bluntly - torture. 

I had a group of four friends like this, far back in the day - before high school, who I hung out with very often, we played halo, went paint balling, and even, yes, shared cloths. These friendships lasted up until college, the breakup between us all was quiet painful. I considered these people my brothers, which sad to say... I sometimes regret. Looking back now I have to state that a good majority of my bad decisions stemmed form them.  

I think that one of the biggest things I had to deal with during that decaying time was a feeling of abandonment, unappreciation, and loneliness.  As soon as I got my car and began driving myself the 15 miles to meet these people, I began realizing how much I was being used. Im sure you all have gone through a similar situation, first day everyone is calling for a ride, then when you say no or you cant, they have the audacity to throw out tiny threats. But I have to put that into perspective, they didn't drive so didn't quiet understand how much effort it took me just to see them - let alone give rides.

But on the bright side of things god gave me other friends, here and there, they popped up in different places... at different times with different views and opinions of life, all staying for certain periods of time. Most not even knowing "in the grand scheme of things" why they were friends with me, or how we both got to that point. We didn't go to school together, we didn't meet in a group gathering, we met by a friend through a friend, or next to a friend by that place, or by that place next to a thing. What makes this notable is - As far as I know, that doesn't generally happen when your shy.  

This kind of socializing continued for a long period of time, through the very long process of trying to let my old friends go. So long that some of the new friends even became small posy's. Like a bandaid they could never fully replace the flesh I had, but did do quiet a fantastic job at covering the wound. It took awhile for me to cling onto the new rather then the oh so familiar old - but finally that changed.

Just recently I completely let go "after 2 years", first went the borrowed cloths "somtime last year", then the phone numbers "about 9 months ago", and finally as of just a few days ago - there Facebooks. I had an euphony after writing A status on facebook. Just how much change has actually happened, how far I have actually come from who I was and where I resided. 

By completely letting go of those people, I was able to let go of a part of myself and all its memories. Everyone has a way of remembering things, I stick memories to faces, some stick them to emotion, others stick them to places. I feel like the Tyler who I knew at 10, the soft hearted, fun, joyful, and outgoing is finally back. That giant hole of blackness I went through during my Highschool and teen years is finally over and Im back to a place, where I can live life the way I was created too.