Entry Forty Two: A new Chapter Begins.

Well I haven't blogged in awhile and quiet a lot has happened since my last post.

The drama with Church and ministry has come to a close. I left Leadership training and lowered some of my personal expectations or rather, deadlines. All of my energy is coming back and my heart is beginning to find its true resting place once again. And I do not mean I found a girl friend, unfortunately, but instead I have put it back into fellowship with Christ. 

Along with that I have also moved into APU. Classes will be starting on the 7th, which is one whole week away. The suspense is building after being here a week already!  I am so incredibly blessed, early move in date, sick apartment, close to campus - I could have never dreamed of a better place. Everyone here, staff and students are so kind. My confidence and security is already much higher then it was before. I see God working in me so many ways, challenging me in great ways. 

I could have not asked for better room mates either. Jeff Gambrino moved in a few days ago and we get along really well, I am just a little more introverted. What surprises me the most is how much we have in common from back home. I feared for awhile that I would get stuck with someone difficult to get along with. But the minute I saw Jeff I knew everything would be fine. Also, I am extremely excited to meet my second roommate which will be moving in on the 1st, Brennan Jung. I have a feeling all of us are going to develop a great bond this semester. Having these men in my life was a God ordained miracle!

I can clearly see that Gods handy work is inside everything here, everything thing that has gotten me here, so I KNOW, fully trust, and understand that he has a plan for me in the future. It will be exciting to witness it falling into place, have it completely unravel before my very eyes! Just thinking about that now gets me all pumped up! Even a little giddy. 

Entry Forty One: Clarity comes from the winds of Change.

After a insane night, a crazy week, and a series of months which have slowly whittled my will down to a stump.... something has finally changed. It was a change that needed to happen one that God was calling me to make. He showed me today a lot of things....

God spoke to my spirit tonight telling me to miss Church, to bail out, to RUN! He told me to run as fast as I could and as as far as I needed, he asked me to run away and into personal communion with him. Which I suppose is a very odd and confusing thing to hear. It defiantly makes you question where it is coming from, or rather from who, which side of the conscience, which side of the spiritual realm. I was so confused that I actually asked, (or rather begged, as if I had no say in the matter) my best friend for permission to leave, to skip, SHIFT. 

 I was actually in bondage by the weekly routine of Church, that God never demanded, but I created. I came to the point where I no longer wanted to go, but instead, that I had to go, it was not a expression of love, like fruit from a vine in my heart, it became a chore. It was such a chore, that, I (now looking back its unbelievable that it came to this) had to ask my friend for permission to leave - thats ultimately what it unfortunately came down to. I was so caught up with ministry and trying to look good, to feel moral, to be a perfect little Christian.... that I accidentally put my walk, just with God, completely aside. 

So after getting permission from my friend to leave, I left. Freedom from myself was finally gained and my reunion with God was reclaimed. But the odyssey didn't end there. I started driving away to Star Bucks, turned on the radio and then flipped to Kwave. But instead of hearing something which brought encouragement, it just put more fear into me, the message was exactly about what I was doing wrong (or what appeared so). It was about how important it is to give yourself to the Church, to fellowship, and how important it is to stay consistent. 

It was hard discerning what voice that was trying to speak to me, but because it was fear, I knew it was from the devil so I shut it off. However I did turn it back on a few moments later, turned around and began heading back. But then a positive voice told me to go home and rest, so I did. When I pulled in my drive way the message came to a close (perfect, yet odd timing) and I shut my car off. But rather then going inside I jumped on my bike and rode around for awhile (I guess what I would now consider my new form of "rest"). After a phone call to my mother for some guidance into what just happened, two laps around the culdesac, I left and went on a long ride down Cypress street. 

It was an awesome little venture. The entire time I was praying and reflecting on my decision, I was verbally asking questions, praying, thinking and wondering about everything. Just everything that has been going on. It was a wonderful rush of endorphins followed by deep contemplation into the future, giving all my worries away, and making spiritual contact with God in the present. I was back on track with the relationship and once again moving forward. 

I know this because all of my major stress, the stress which I before could not explain, just vanished. Its absolutely mind blowing how everything weaves together so wonderfully and changes so drastically, always keeping some sort of easily recognizable form and direction, yet in a unpredictable set of circumstances. So complex so easy. Marvelous, The father and Jesus are Marvelous makers! 

Entry Forty: Waves of insanity like exploding sand.

There is so much to write about. It is the end of the summer and my life seems to be falling apart. I am not sure what to do anymore, I have hit one of those extremely dry and dangerous deserts, which have absolutely no real features or foliage, nothing except waves of explosive sand. It is really the best way to describe how I am feeling inside.

My spiritual life is beginning to cross into mania. I believe strongly it is all from stress and lack of sleep. Which is any easy thing to fix, stop the thing which stresses you out = the stress goes away = sleep. So, I have stepped down from leadership, I have stopped beating myself up for something which I cant really control well (which might be the core problem but who knows). But even with theses measures taken, just tonight I saw myself crack, or, the devil slam a hammer down (a supernatural experience).

I just finished reading a passage from the book of Matthew which made me feel horrible. Meanwhile trying to fall asleep and trying not to think about my past, some school transcripts I read yesturday from long ago. Which obviously made me doubt the future I had at APU. This past month is not the state I prayed, or wanted, to be in when beginning the new semester. Anyways, so last night I was falling asleep then my door started creaking. Which happens every once in awhile, and there is a perfectly normal explanation.  The wood begins to condense from all the cold air, after being in hot air all day. But that wasn't the case. So I thought it must be a draft pulling it, but there was no draft.

I rolled over and laughed, frustrated that it woke me up. Then it creaked, I rolled back over and tried to fall asleep, and it creaked again, and again, and again, and again. Then finally, I stared at it, it stopped, then I swore at it, calling my door a "peace of shit". At which point it creaked again. I began to feel a little strange about the situation so I started to pray. It stopped when I began to pray, and continued when I stopped praying. After realizing this through the third round of prayer I turned on my light and yelled at it.

When I yelled at it the door began to open, immediately, I sat up and began to panic. I then stood up immediately and put both hands on it pushing it closed, and then stepped back. It began opening again, so I jumped and opened both doors ready to beat the hell out of whatever was behind them, or die trying.  Nothing was there, but quivering in fear I picked up my phone and sent txt messages to three of the most spiritual people I knew. Then I called my mother.

Im not sure if this is a sign I am losing my mind. Its ideal to believe its not, its ideal to believe that the devil is trying to destroy me before I go to APU.  Maybe, it is simply a sign that whatever is stressing me out, I haven't removed yet. I was considering removing myself from Church for awhile, or at least finding a new one, but I doubt that will really fix the problem. I have invested too much of my time into the people there. However, even though I have made this investment it doesn't really seem that I am reaping anything from it.

There was a period where I was loved by all, called, txt messaged, Facebooked, constantly being bombarded with love and attention. Now though, it has been thrown in the complete opposite direction. I am never called, in fact I cant remember the last time I was, probably two weeks ago. I am rarely txt messaged or invited somewhere, and no body ever posts on my wall. The social dynamic I was so accustomed too during the beginning of this summer has fallen apart.

I know this to be normal though, people go through seasons, and life changes. Relationships break and repair, it is the cycle of the "social life", or rather the social aspect of life. I have wondered why, and  suppose its possible that God is weaning me off these relationships so I reinstall the drive to make new ones at APU, possibly find a girl friend. Something that I desperately want and need, especially now that BOTH of my best friends have one.

It was hard having my spiritual leader and friend be drawn into the life of romance and kisses, time alone, away from others. I got over it, and now my other best friend (who I don't see that often anyways), the one that is clean good fun company, has also gotten a girl friend. So now he too is busy. Both leaving me to just rot in my room or cling onto the many other friendships which are not so intimate, and can not become intimate. Which is not there fault, its no ones fault, there is no fault to be created or place, its just a mucky situation which is uncomfortable that I must deal with, plain and simple.

It is obvious things have changed, especially after looking back at my posts from the rest of this year. Many, if not all of them, are so positive and progressive. All showing growth, change, and maturity. But the road I am walking on is covered in a black fog. My fear is that I will walk off a cliff, because I can feel it around me, in front of me. Yet its existence is completely out of my control, the only thing to do is to sit down, and wait for the fog to clear before I continue moving forward. Or, I suppose I could have faith in God that he will guide me through the Fog and away from this Cliff.

And maybe this is my real dilemma, the faith I once had in my Father has nearly vanished, not because I believe so, but because of the evidence around me? All these horrible annoying, aggravating things happening around me point in that direction. So it seems I need to get back to the basics of Faith?? I don't know, I am sure that I am doing everything that requires faith, I go to Church, help out at Church,  I crack open my bible, I listen to worship music, I pray and cry out to God! Maybe... I need to start a devotional?... Who would have ever thought my faith would be challenged or aggravated to such a manner!

Right now I havent a clue.... everything, its all so insane. Im just going to keep going because I guess, like in the narrows at Zion National park, thats the only thing left that I can, must do, will do. Even though I seriously feel like just giving up.