Entry Sixty Two: Year Of Changes

I survived the supposed 2012 Mayan Apocalypse and I survived another year of school in 2013. It is now 2014 and I have one more year left before finishing my degree. There are a few significant changes that have taken place in my life, there are also a lack of changes that have taken place in my life, and thus resulting in serious revelations. Im not sure where to really begin this blog post, but I suppose, I should state that im feeling a little depressed. The first couple things that comes to mind are my major, my friends, my family, and my future.

I have spent three semesters pursuing this political science major. Now, the monotonous professors I have been forced to put up with are beginning to take a serious toll on my well being and general attitude. I transferred to the school with a 3.0 GPA and maintained it until I began taking my upper division courses: international relations, history of terrorism, constitutional law, research & writing. This gradual slide into a 2.8GPA wasn't because I didn't understand the material, or because I wasn't interested in the classes. It was because of the immense amount of work, that was being solely used, for, memorization and regurgitation. I never expected learning about such a philosophical and complex subject to be so marginalized, by a teaching style, that, treats the knowledge as memorizable data. My papers are also religiously analyzed to make sure that I use boring words and phraseology. For example, I have to use "destroyed" instead of "obliterated" when talking about battles, or "determined" instead of "ambitious" when talking about various leaders.

The only motivator that continues to energize me while pursuing this major, is the immense opportunity which comes with it. My major has given me access to work with people who are currently in office and help out with campaigns. Last year I interned with an assemblyman, which allowed me to meet some people who work in the public sector. As a result, I have been asked to be a board secretary for a charter club in Riverside: I am invited to attend national conventions, meet politicians and business professionals from around the country. With all of these opportunities opening up, I will soon be interning for a congressman and get school credit, which is awesome. Probably most rewarding out of all of these great experiences, has been, getting to know people who think a similar way that I do: analytical, forward, persistent, and enjoy bantering about national powers and serious subjects, instead of other things like the bachelorette or mtv. My habit of reading the news every morning right when I wake up doesn't feel culturally awkward anymore. 

Now, speaking of friends, this semester has brought a lot of change. First, one of my room mates dropped out of school, because he was having some emotional problems and needed to take a break. Second, I have dropped a lot of people I used to hang out with, because my focus has become productivity and professionally, while their lives have not. I officially left my bible study group, and I am making an oath to move on. I need to begin looking for people who are going to act by deed rather then word. Part of this moving on is also getting into therapy to help me deal with some social problems I noticed. I have a hard time identifying individuals whom are going to let me invest in them, and who are going to also invest in me. However, also want to ensure my social behavior doesn't becomes a habit of business, where relationships are calculated. Most importantly, I have some serious emotional reservations about dating, which I just become aware of recently: they need to be resolved.

Speaking of relationships, I was on Facebook a couple days ago, and I jokingly posted: "2013 and 2014 will be the two years I remember all my friends getting engaged or married". It is bewildering how many of my friends are getting into committed... situations. Last summer I attended two weddings and one over winter break, which I thought was a lot. Since last summer I have made almost no progress in obtaining a relationship of my own. This summer I expect to attend at least 5-6 weddings, one of them being my room mate's. It's not so much depressing as it is frustrating. People often tell me that they just found each other, either in class, or in church, or at an event, or some friend introduced them. It's frustrating that this kind of "oh hi future wife" hasn't happened to me yet, #firstworldproblems. Then again, as I noted earlier, I need to work through some childhood traumas' and emotional things before I can take dating seriously. The last thing I want is to find someone I care about, fall in love, and then get my heart broken due to lack of preparation. 

Now, as for family, I hate the idea that school and work take me so far away from my parents. The stress of being on campus keeps me from finding the space I need, to get the energy I need, to spend time with either my mother or my father. This is also the case with my friends, but it bothers me more regarding family, because I want to spend as much time as I can with them before their age catches up. My mother and my father are growing older, and I want to ensure I get the best years with them. I wish I could go to the beach, the movies, etc, and spend more quality time with them now. I worry "what if I graduate, work where I never see them, then they turned 80 and we can only play cards".

This then leads me to think about my future. I have no idea what God has in store for me, im drawing a total blank: "will I fail next semester", "will I find my wife senior year", "will I graduate on time", "will I find good paying job", "should I run for public office", "should I invest in retirement or a new car". I believe there is plenty of doors around me, I just have to find them. Likewise, there are plenty of traps around me, and I have to be weary of them. When I find them, I have to ask God and it's this part I am really struggling with. My faith, recently, has been on a freaking roller coaster of death. I have so much uneasiness, regarding my beliefs, my idea of God, and its been driving me crazy.

Lastly, this summer I will be going on a choir tour to Korea. When I return, I may be working at a church part time, and I am very hopeful, because more doors could open up, more things could get done, and I may grow in more ways. In basic summery, there is a lot of chaos going on right now, but there is equally a lot of potential. My heart has perhaps become a little colder, but this is one stage of a reaction when maturing, and I am confident it will warm up. Im in constant prayer that nothing horrible happens, and that my identity is not lost in the world. I just need to continue taking one day at a time, and continue taking those needed momments to unwind after a long day.