Entry Thirty Eight: A confused Gate Keeper.

I havent blogged in such a long time. So much has happened over the past couple of weeks and I haven't jotted any of it down, how unfortunate...

Its been wild, fun, awkward, exciting, boring, slow, fast - everything. I have absolutely now idea where to start. Well, ill start with whats most important. This past month has been strange, I have been putting so much focus on having fun and being with friends, going to the beach, and rock climbing, that I feel I have left God on the curb. I am not sure how to take this, does God mind If I am having fun? Does he like watching me have fun? Is it ok that I don't feel like reading the bible, that I would rather be sun tanning or on my computer, or out with friends?

Perhaps not. If so, then my life has become apathetic, with Church and towards the idea of having my own quiet time. I have no internal motivation to read the word, no motivation to journal, and now, slowly, little by little each week I have less motivation towards heading to Church. Perhaps it is because so many of my spiritual fountains - "the people I cling to spiritually" have left. They were all on mission trips in Africa. My College pastor and my best friend.

I remember wondering about this a week ago, and becoming extremely aggravated at the idea - I "Cling" to specific people for spiritual nourishment. I should be able to obtain it through the holy spirit, right?
But the holy spirit is in them, so am I clinging to the holy spirit? Right'? Probably not, this isn't the problem. Because I have many people which nourish me spiritually, God has given me a wonderfully good circle of friends who I can call up at any time and get support from.

The holy spirit is in me, in them, in everything which is "good", uses everything which is "good". I do not mean "good", in the sense of nice, pretty, colorful, or kind. But "Good" in the eyes of God - satisfactory according to him. Which means I do not actually at any time need to seek it out, search for it high and low. There are many "good" people, "good" places, "good" songs, and "good" books that God has given me access to. I just need to open my eyes and make contact with them, keep pushing myself out of bed, they are everywhere! Open my heart and be vulnerable to the holy spirits continuous presence.

I realize now, in this moment, the process of building up walls has begun once again. Something in me feels insecure, feels under attack, perhaps this is my problem. I am tired of being vulnerable, or tired of fighting, fending off the things I don't want coming inside. Its like my heart is a grand gate, and I am its gate keeper. Both good and evil are knocking outside and if I open the gate, both flood in, but if both flood in, the good helps fight the bad. Where before, long ago, I remember my door was just slammed shut, I was numb, I was content, there was no fighting. There is a small part of me which is building up, breaking out of its hellish cage, whispering to close the gate again.

But I can not and will not! I would rather fight him then do battle with the things that run through my gate. There must be fighting! I must have something to fight for, there must be a reason behind my existence, behind my weariness, behind my longing for a bed, for rest, for comfort in Christ.

I have been preparing my heart for a very special event next week, a trip to Zion national park. I will not be brought down when there is a light at the end of this tunnel!