Entry Forty Seven: Finals week at APU!

Finals week has come, and it has been so stressful. I cant believe the semester is almost already over! I just have two more days until school is out. I really wish I made the decision to blog more during this semester, I should have set more time for it. There is just so much I wish I could have written down to remember, the good, and the bad.

My rooms mates have still stuck with me and for the most part we get along really well. They tolerate my grouchy mood in the mornings and think its funny, which I really like. I am so thankful that I have had the opportunity to live with people, who see me every day and know who I am, to assure me that I am normal. They are two great mirrors. They have helped destroy so many of my insecurities and revile the true ones. They both continuously encourage me, really help me halt some of the ways I put myself down. It hard to put blame or a valid complaint on either of them. The only thing which still irks me, is when Jeff uses a baby voice. Partially because I was raised not to, scorned constantly for doing the same thing. Also, for someone who is so desperate to become an adult, or get married... I just find it incredibly odd - immature. However, for the most part that is my problem not his. As for Brennan I cant really think of anything off the bat. The only time we ever bump heads is during discussion over a doctrine or belief.

I haven't made a lot of close friendships this semester as I expected to, actually, much of the semester didn't go as I planned. There are some secret disappointments I still hold, but they are the result of being naive, which always happens. I get so excited over something, assume drastic change is in order and a few of my major problems are going to be magically fixed. When in reality, these problems are merrily stitched up and still healing. None the less, this is still an improvement over community college. Here at APU I have met a lot of people, and these people know my name, which is much much much more then I could have ever hoped for, say at community college. Every time I hear my name a warmness enters me, I get so excited and happy, it completely makes my day! I have left the desert and entered into the spring! Next semester I will be on a role, hopefully things will continue to progress. I just need to get back on track spiritually, right with God. 

Its been really hard being here. I have the stress of performance now, the stress of making friends, maintaining friends, maintaining grades, looking good, everything which when looked at on a death bed through the glasses of reality is all undoubtably useless. It sometimes makes me feel like I was never meant for this world. Perhaps thats just the messages partial brain washing I have heard from being a Christian, all about Christians, heaven, and the filth of earth. Perhaps I have taken it all too literally, but then thats the human side of me talking I suppose. Speaking of Christian - my faith has plummeted. Being here and seeing so many people act in so many ways, being so inconsistent, divided in belief and in heart has really just made my Jenga tower fall. I mean look at grass, you know grass is grass because it always remains the same thing - grass. It acts the same way, grows the same way, remains and remains the same color. You look at Christians and they become all sorts of things. For me it begs the unending announce of this question - is there really such a thing as Christians? Yet, as my Ministry professor stated (and apart of me has thought since I was 14), "Christians" are a human created category. We shouldn't put much thought into the word, its meaning. For we know what we are supposed to do, we know what we are supposed to be, and that is all we should be preoccupied with. No where in the Bible does it say we are supposed to categorize it. The only thing to think about is "Saved", a divinely picked category that no one really knows the stats for... you can never tell from the outside and that is the truth! But then that always bothers me with the next question, it makes me wonder if there is really a God. Although, it shouldn't, because in actuality the mistake remains mine for using Human Behavior as evidence for God. 

Anyways. Right now, in this very moment, my questions about where I will be next semester, what I am going to do, where I am going to go, will not be answered. My worries about being kicked out of APU for failing my finals, my worries about not being able to find a job if it happens, should not be thought of. I forgot to mention - these are the things which have been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. I got so burned out this month on just everything that I began to throw in the towel. It was very foolish of me, incredibly stupid. Now, I face the consequence and am running around chasing my tail. I do know that this winter break is going to help me relax, unwind, find peace, and get back on track with God. I believe God has just been waiting for it like I am, he is just sitting twiddling his thumbs with patience. I mean, already, today, right now I am taking into consideration picking up my bible, the little flame still burns inside me, which is not a feeling I have felt for the past 27 days. The time is growing close when all of this will be over for a time, and I can be in line, on the path, back where I was, once again.