Entry One: The sum of things

Its been awhile sense I took the time to write a note or letter about myself, progress, life's biggest questions... you know small stuff. Some of you who already know me well, see me and my name and know me through many many titles... titles I have given myself through mistakes and/or good fortunes. However none of these I would ever want to keep or make "my title", because my journey in life hasnt stopped. 

As a human being I want to continue to grow. I want to continue to break, mold, and build new and greater titles. I have made many mistakes through the course of my life. Which I believe is pretty pathetic, sense iv only been on earth 2o years. But most, I'm sure many others have made, regardless of age, the ladder, or rank in life they play.  Thankfully through the support of my family, prayer, and god - I have been given the chance to fix them. 

I want to point out that "birds of a feather flock together" could not be any truer. Part of the repair work I am doing, has a great deal to do with friendships and who I acquaint myself with. I have to do this, as all of us have to do, for the better of both parties. Wether its friendships, dating, or a real relationship, you hit that point where you both eventually stop growing. Being with someone who cant lift you up, or you cant lift up is bluntly - torture. 

I had a group of four friends like this, far back in the day - before high school, who I hung out with very often, we played halo, went paint balling, and even, yes, shared cloths. These friendships lasted up until college, the breakup between us all was quiet painful. I considered these people my brothers, which sad to say... I sometimes regret. Looking back now I have to state that a good majority of my bad decisions stemmed form them.  

I think that one of the biggest things I had to deal with during that decaying time was a feeling of abandonment, unappreciation, and loneliness.  As soon as I got my car and began driving myself the 15 miles to meet these people, I began realizing how much I was being used. Im sure you all have gone through a similar situation, first day everyone is calling for a ride, then when you say no or you cant, they have the audacity to throw out tiny threats. But I have to put that into perspective, they didn't drive so didn't quiet understand how much effort it took me just to see them - let alone give rides.

But on the bright side of things god gave me other friends, here and there, they popped up in different places... at different times with different views and opinions of life, all staying for certain periods of time. Most not even knowing "in the grand scheme of things" why they were friends with me, or how we both got to that point. We didn't go to school together, we didn't meet in a group gathering, we met by a friend through a friend, or next to a friend by that place, or by that place next to a thing. What makes this notable is - As far as I know, that doesn't generally happen when your shy.  

This kind of socializing continued for a long period of time, through the very long process of trying to let my old friends go. So long that some of the new friends even became small posy's. Like a bandaid they could never fully replace the flesh I had, but did do quiet a fantastic job at covering the wound. It took awhile for me to cling onto the new rather then the oh so familiar old - but finally that changed.

Just recently I completely let go "after 2 years", first went the borrowed cloths "somtime last year", then the phone numbers "about 9 months ago", and finally as of just a few days ago - there Facebooks. I had an euphony after writing A status on facebook. Just how much change has actually happened, how far I have actually come from who I was and where I resided. 

By completely letting go of those people, I was able to let go of a part of myself and all its memories. Everyone has a way of remembering things, I stick memories to faces, some stick them to emotion, others stick them to places. I feel like the Tyler who I knew at 10, the soft hearted, fun, joyful, and outgoing is finally back. That giant hole of blackness I went through during my Highschool and teen years is finally over and Im back to a place, where I can live life the way I was created too.