As I continue to think about and follow my life day by day, really look at and examine who I am, how I react, where I react, what I do, why I do it. I finally accept that its all up and down, its a constant war, not just on the inside but really on the outside. Its not just in my mind, heart, or soul, but in the world around me - in the physical. The Devil is real. This war is everywhere and at any given moment soldiers of the enemy can attack from all directions. What makes it so horrible is the fact this war Drags On. One battle is won, another is lost, one is lost another is won, in all areas and aspects of life.
Yesterday had a hard start and turned into a good day. The day before that it started off great and ended horribly. And today, it started out great, and then ended as a bad day. I thought I was over the hill for a small period of time. This morning I went to a friends graduation which was so fun and amazing to witness. I went to my moms house afterwards and that was great too. We watched K-17... then later that night, I left to go to church and on the drive home someone pulled out right in front of me and tried to kill both of us - Got into a car accident.
Thankfully though no one was heart, however I feel slightly traumatized. The family pulled out literally, right in front of me almost as if on purpose, awhile I was going 45 miles per hour down the street. Thankfully though something snapped inside my brain, God pulled a wire, which told my hands to react, right before T-boning the mom. Everything slowed down so dramatically, I remember looking over and seeing her face filled with laughter completely oblivious to what was happening. I flipped the wheel and my car made a hard left almost flipping over, slammed on my breaks, and that was that.
Thankfully though no one was heart, however I feel slightly traumatized. The family pulled out literally, right in front of me almost as if on purpose, awhile I was going 45 miles per hour down the street. Thankfully though something snapped inside my brain, God pulled a wire, which told my hands to react, right before T-boning the mom. Everything slowed down so dramatically, I remember looking over and seeing her face filled with laughter completely oblivious to what was happening. I flipped the wheel and my car made a hard left almost flipping over, slammed on my breaks, and that was that.
Then tonight I hear some of the things others go through and there victories are greater, there triumphs larger, there life generally better, there level or rank in the eyes of God higher (All from the Sin of Pride). These are all horrible, bitter, coveting, disgusting thoughts... that come with comparison. Come with already low self esteem. I hear these things and a rage just stirs in me, one that makes me just want to cry... ball out and cry to God with all my heart. Because the pain that comes from it I just cant stand.
Partially knowing, mainly though, assuming there are patches of grass others walk on which is greener, there are streams which are cleaner, all these things which are less painful, more pure then mine, just does someone over. They make me view myself as a victim, I know, I feel so defeated. In these type of moments I wonder where is God? Why me? All victim, self deprecating questions. It all creates the illusion that my tiny pebble sitting over lava, which I have been balancing on so earnestly has finally melted. Exactly why I am writing right now.
Partially knowing, mainly though, assuming there are patches of grass others walk on which is greener, there are streams which are cleaner, all these things which are less painful, more pure then mine, just does someone over. They make me view myself as a victim, I know, I feel so defeated. In these type of moments I wonder where is God? Why me? All victim, self deprecating questions. It all creates the illusion that my tiny pebble sitting over lava, which I have been balancing on so earnestly has finally melted. Exactly why I am writing right now.
I'm right back to perceiving myself as the small Guy, the worthless little shit, with no meaning or purpose... ....... ...........
....................... pondering .......... ...... just .... pondering........
But these are lies. So regardless of how I feel, what I think, or what I may or may not believe... I am going to continue moving forward, continue fighting, God is my tactician and I am his Marine, We are going to beat the hell out of these demonic, life threatening forces which are against us, these "things", "circumstances" and "illusions" that constantly create imperfection and grief. Me and him, for his kingdom, my home. "If my God is with me, who can stand against me?" (Romans 8:31). If I don't believe Christ is with me, then I have already lost, and If I have lost, there is no reason to live, nothing to live for.
If there is no standard to reach, no bar to be meet, no triumph to proclaim - victory is meaningless, pointless, just a imaginary idea. Which are the things we live our life's for? Meaning and Purpose! And as a Christian, love from our God. We live our life's to change, achieve, and to grow. That is our spiritual, emotional, and physical, obligation as human beings. So as Christians Christ is the source that allows us to reach these goals. But also allows us to reach much more, his values, his morals, and his demands. Everything which is good, everything that day by day makes the void we all share just a little less empty.
My wish, my hope, the last thing I do alive or dead, is to see Christ face to face, giving me a cup of living water "healing water" and telling me to drink of it, so that I may finally have all these human defects and imperfections be physical and spiritual - completely removed. So I can walk with him and exchange hugs. So he can sit me down, and for once verbally walk me through a battle plan. Equip me with a shield and a weapon. Most importantly, ask me to take a platoon of soldiers, lead them into battle against a dark army, who pillages innocent lives, attempts to destroy love, peace, and harmony. Forces which bring hatred, destruction, and death.
I can picture it now. During all this, with him leading me I will follow, yelling out a giant battle cry of righteous rage. Running side by side, with him and his army down the hills into battle, our weapons blazing and his glorious light shining. Then everything I have ever suffered will find justice, everything which I have somehow fallen into from my human earthly imperfection shall be sanctified. Through this last final battle, his kingdom will find untainted ground to rest upon for ever more, and in this all people will find peace, all pasts will be healed, all futures made holy and good.
To some it all sounds like madness, it all sounds like meaningless war, and the exact opposite to peace. But what peace do we really have on a day to day basis? None, our pets die, our family members divorce, our cars get smashed, our emotion are always up and down left and right, thrown in every direction from the smallest to largest of things. What I personally hate the most, things in this world require constant upkeep or they fall apart. There are just a million points that any man women or child with a lick of common sense can see, I hope. Our world is not perfect, nor are any of us.
Sometimes I wonder if, as of right now, here on earth all of it is necessary. But I know that if we have nothing to overcome in the here and now, we would overcome nothing, and if we did not overcome, our life would find little meaning. Maybe life would be idle, all of us just sitting around drinking coffee and tea, probably... not even talking. Maybe it would be all movement with no real action, like ghosts just aimlessly floating around. To a degree I can understand this concept of command, conquer, destroy and rebuild, these bumps, hills, and roller coasters of emotion or perspective - rationalization, "things" which hit us like bricks to the face, in the "here and now".
They get us off our asses and get us moving into a direction which God wants us to drive in. They spark a God given rage towards Satan, his implementation of sin, his influence, which gets us through the day, and when we get through that day, hope is grown and we keep on going. The cycle repeats....... ..............
............. ..... ........ Pondering...... ....... Just.... doing some more... pondering.....
I really wish I was able to share all this in my small group that night. I wish I could have been just open with them up front. Even though so many of us have come to express how we feel about things and what is going on in our lives. For some reason I still sense a small amount of tension. I know a huge part of it is my fault, I am not being honest with myself or honest with the group. The days I have shitty day I don't really care to share, and the days I have a wonderful day I decide to down play it into being something worthless.
I am feeding off my own perceptions of the group, rather then starving myself of fear, and being open and honest. When I am low I need to be open, when I am feeling high, I need to share why. Instead I think about it to much "Im having a terrible day, but clearly so are some other people, well, ill just be the bigger man, I don't want to take up their time, ill share next week". Then when next week comes I have a wonderful week but share about what was bothering me days or a week before. Likewise I do the same thing when I have a wonderful week, I worry to much about making others feel horrible about there bad week.
Thankfully though this isn't always the case... Just last week, and probably many other times before.
I see and Fully understand that this is clearly inappropriate and I must apologize when we meet next.
If there is no standard to reach, no bar to be meet, no triumph to proclaim - victory is meaningless, pointless, just a imaginary idea. Which are the things we live our life's for? Meaning and Purpose! And as a Christian, love from our God. We live our life's to change, achieve, and to grow. That is our spiritual, emotional, and physical, obligation as human beings. So as Christians Christ is the source that allows us to reach these goals. But also allows us to reach much more, his values, his morals, and his demands. Everything which is good, everything that day by day makes the void we all share just a little less empty.
My wish, my hope, the last thing I do alive or dead, is to see Christ face to face, giving me a cup of living water "healing water" and telling me to drink of it, so that I may finally have all these human defects and imperfections be physical and spiritual - completely removed. So I can walk with him and exchange hugs. So he can sit me down, and for once verbally walk me through a battle plan. Equip me with a shield and a weapon. Most importantly, ask me to take a platoon of soldiers, lead them into battle against a dark army, who pillages innocent lives, attempts to destroy love, peace, and harmony. Forces which bring hatred, destruction, and death.
I can picture it now. During all this, with him leading me I will follow, yelling out a giant battle cry of righteous rage. Running side by side, with him and his army down the hills into battle, our weapons blazing and his glorious light shining. Then everything I have ever suffered will find justice, everything which I have somehow fallen into from my human earthly imperfection shall be sanctified. Through this last final battle, his kingdom will find untainted ground to rest upon for ever more, and in this all people will find peace, all pasts will be healed, all futures made holy and good.
To some it all sounds like madness, it all sounds like meaningless war, and the exact opposite to peace. But what peace do we really have on a day to day basis? None, our pets die, our family members divorce, our cars get smashed, our emotion are always up and down left and right, thrown in every direction from the smallest to largest of things. What I personally hate the most, things in this world require constant upkeep or they fall apart. There are just a million points that any man women or child with a lick of common sense can see, I hope. Our world is not perfect, nor are any of us.
Sometimes I wonder if, as of right now, here on earth all of it is necessary. But I know that if we have nothing to overcome in the here and now, we would overcome nothing, and if we did not overcome, our life would find little meaning. Maybe life would be idle, all of us just sitting around drinking coffee and tea, probably... not even talking. Maybe it would be all movement with no real action, like ghosts just aimlessly floating around. To a degree I can understand this concept of command, conquer, destroy and rebuild, these bumps, hills, and roller coasters of emotion or perspective - rationalization, "things" which hit us like bricks to the face, in the "here and now".
They get us off our asses and get us moving into a direction which God wants us to drive in. They spark a God given rage towards Satan, his implementation of sin, his influence, which gets us through the day, and when we get through that day, hope is grown and we keep on going. The cycle repeats....... ..............
............. ..... ........ Pondering...... ....... Just.... doing some more... pondering.....
I really wish I was able to share all this in my small group that night. I wish I could have been just open with them up front. Even though so many of us have come to express how we feel about things and what is going on in our lives. For some reason I still sense a small amount of tension. I know a huge part of it is my fault, I am not being honest with myself or honest with the group. The days I have shitty day I don't really care to share, and the days I have a wonderful day I decide to down play it into being something worthless.
I am feeding off my own perceptions of the group, rather then starving myself of fear, and being open and honest. When I am low I need to be open, when I am feeling high, I need to share why. Instead I think about it to much "Im having a terrible day, but clearly so are some other people, well, ill just be the bigger man, I don't want to take up their time, ill share next week". Then when next week comes I have a wonderful week but share about what was bothering me days or a week before. Likewise I do the same thing when I have a wonderful week, I worry to much about making others feel horrible about there bad week.
Thankfully though this isn't always the case... Just last week, and probably many other times before.
I see and Fully understand that this is clearly inappropriate and I must apologize when we meet next.
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