Entry Forty: Waves of insanity like exploding sand.

There is so much to write about. It is the end of the summer and my life seems to be falling apart. I am not sure what to do anymore, I have hit one of those extremely dry and dangerous deserts, which have absolutely no real features or foliage, nothing except waves of explosive sand. It is really the best way to describe how I am feeling inside.

My spiritual life is beginning to cross into mania. I believe strongly it is all from stress and lack of sleep. Which is any easy thing to fix, stop the thing which stresses you out = the stress goes away = sleep. So, I have stepped down from leadership, I have stopped beating myself up for something which I cant really control well (which might be the core problem but who knows). But even with theses measures taken, just tonight I saw myself crack, or, the devil slam a hammer down (a supernatural experience).

I just finished reading a passage from the book of Matthew which made me feel horrible. Meanwhile trying to fall asleep and trying not to think about my past, some school transcripts I read yesturday from long ago. Which obviously made me doubt the future I had at APU. This past month is not the state I prayed, or wanted, to be in when beginning the new semester. Anyways, so last night I was falling asleep then my door started creaking. Which happens every once in awhile, and there is a perfectly normal explanation.  The wood begins to condense from all the cold air, after being in hot air all day. But that wasn't the case. So I thought it must be a draft pulling it, but there was no draft.

I rolled over and laughed, frustrated that it woke me up. Then it creaked, I rolled back over and tried to fall asleep, and it creaked again, and again, and again, and again. Then finally, I stared at it, it stopped, then I swore at it, calling my door a "peace of shit". At which point it creaked again. I began to feel a little strange about the situation so I started to pray. It stopped when I began to pray, and continued when I stopped praying. After realizing this through the third round of prayer I turned on my light and yelled at it.

When I yelled at it the door began to open, immediately, I sat up and began to panic. I then stood up immediately and put both hands on it pushing it closed, and then stepped back. It began opening again, so I jumped and opened both doors ready to beat the hell out of whatever was behind them, or die trying.  Nothing was there, but quivering in fear I picked up my phone and sent txt messages to three of the most spiritual people I knew. Then I called my mother.

Im not sure if this is a sign I am losing my mind. Its ideal to believe its not, its ideal to believe that the devil is trying to destroy me before I go to APU.  Maybe, it is simply a sign that whatever is stressing me out, I haven't removed yet. I was considering removing myself from Church for awhile, or at least finding a new one, but I doubt that will really fix the problem. I have invested too much of my time into the people there. However, even though I have made this investment it doesn't really seem that I am reaping anything from it.

There was a period where I was loved by all, called, txt messaged, Facebooked, constantly being bombarded with love and attention. Now though, it has been thrown in the complete opposite direction. I am never called, in fact I cant remember the last time I was, probably two weeks ago. I am rarely txt messaged or invited somewhere, and no body ever posts on my wall. The social dynamic I was so accustomed too during the beginning of this summer has fallen apart.

I know this to be normal though, people go through seasons, and life changes. Relationships break and repair, it is the cycle of the "social life", or rather the social aspect of life. I have wondered why, and  suppose its possible that God is weaning me off these relationships so I reinstall the drive to make new ones at APU, possibly find a girl friend. Something that I desperately want and need, especially now that BOTH of my best friends have one.

It was hard having my spiritual leader and friend be drawn into the life of romance and kisses, time alone, away from others. I got over it, and now my other best friend (who I don't see that often anyways), the one that is clean good fun company, has also gotten a girl friend. So now he too is busy. Both leaving me to just rot in my room or cling onto the many other friendships which are not so intimate, and can not become intimate. Which is not there fault, its no ones fault, there is no fault to be created or place, its just a mucky situation which is uncomfortable that I must deal with, plain and simple.

It is obvious things have changed, especially after looking back at my posts from the rest of this year. Many, if not all of them, are so positive and progressive. All showing growth, change, and maturity. But the road I am walking on is covered in a black fog. My fear is that I will walk off a cliff, because I can feel it around me, in front of me. Yet its existence is completely out of my control, the only thing to do is to sit down, and wait for the fog to clear before I continue moving forward. Or, I suppose I could have faith in God that he will guide me through the Fog and away from this Cliff.

And maybe this is my real dilemma, the faith I once had in my Father has nearly vanished, not because I believe so, but because of the evidence around me? All these horrible annoying, aggravating things happening around me point in that direction. So it seems I need to get back to the basics of Faith?? I don't know, I am sure that I am doing everything that requires faith, I go to Church, help out at Church,  I crack open my bible, I listen to worship music, I pray and cry out to God! Maybe... I need to start a devotional?... Who would have ever thought my faith would be challenged or aggravated to such a manner!

Right now I havent a clue.... everything, its all so insane. Im just going to keep going because I guess, like in the narrows at Zion National park, thats the only thing left that I can, must do, will do. Even though I seriously feel like just giving up.