Entry Forty One: Clarity comes from the winds of Change.

After a insane night, a crazy week, and a series of months which have slowly whittled my will down to a stump.... something has finally changed. It was a change that needed to happen one that God was calling me to make. He showed me today a lot of things....

God spoke to my spirit tonight telling me to miss Church, to bail out, to RUN! He told me to run as fast as I could and as as far as I needed, he asked me to run away and into personal communion with him. Which I suppose is a very odd and confusing thing to hear. It defiantly makes you question where it is coming from, or rather from who, which side of the conscience, which side of the spiritual realm. I was so confused that I actually asked, (or rather begged, as if I had no say in the matter) my best friend for permission to leave, to skip, SHIFT. 

 I was actually in bondage by the weekly routine of Church, that God never demanded, but I created. I came to the point where I no longer wanted to go, but instead, that I had to go, it was not a expression of love, like fruit from a vine in my heart, it became a chore. It was such a chore, that, I (now looking back its unbelievable that it came to this) had to ask my friend for permission to leave - thats ultimately what it unfortunately came down to. I was so caught up with ministry and trying to look good, to feel moral, to be a perfect little Christian.... that I accidentally put my walk, just with God, completely aside. 

So after getting permission from my friend to leave, I left. Freedom from myself was finally gained and my reunion with God was reclaimed. But the odyssey didn't end there. I started driving away to Star Bucks, turned on the radio and then flipped to Kwave. But instead of hearing something which brought encouragement, it just put more fear into me, the message was exactly about what I was doing wrong (or what appeared so). It was about how important it is to give yourself to the Church, to fellowship, and how important it is to stay consistent. 

It was hard discerning what voice that was trying to speak to me, but because it was fear, I knew it was from the devil so I shut it off. However I did turn it back on a few moments later, turned around and began heading back. But then a positive voice told me to go home and rest, so I did. When I pulled in my drive way the message came to a close (perfect, yet odd timing) and I shut my car off. But rather then going inside I jumped on my bike and rode around for awhile (I guess what I would now consider my new form of "rest"). After a phone call to my mother for some guidance into what just happened, two laps around the culdesac, I left and went on a long ride down Cypress street. 

It was an awesome little venture. The entire time I was praying and reflecting on my decision, I was verbally asking questions, praying, thinking and wondering about everything. Just everything that has been going on. It was a wonderful rush of endorphins followed by deep contemplation into the future, giving all my worries away, and making spiritual contact with God in the present. I was back on track with the relationship and once again moving forward. 

I know this because all of my major stress, the stress which I before could not explain, just vanished. Its absolutely mind blowing how everything weaves together so wonderfully and changes so drastically, always keeping some sort of easily recognizable form and direction, yet in a unpredictable set of circumstances. So complex so easy. Marvelous, The father and Jesus are Marvelous makers!