Entry Fifty Three: Perplexed by community and alone

This summer had a beginning words could not describe, and it is over. Through this experience God has given me the tools to slowly define how the human machine operates, and by which needs every human soul craves. My strolls through many different seasons in life have brought me to many different ordeals. I have learned a good level of wisdom through my trials and mistakes. But I have also acquired knowledge through these experiences in the joys I sought after and were granted. My venture on the east coast which I spoke about in depth in a previous post really opened me to the true meaning and utter importance of brotherhood - a God fearing community.

My walk with the Lord in these past few years has instilled in me a desire for community, it brought me into favoring people, talking to them in person, being vulnerable. Most of what I experienced as a child and interacting with other children were distasteful and painful things that are still imbedded in my retrievable memory today. I looked at people as creatures, not beings that carry a spirit or light. For a very long time, I did not enjoy being around people, they made me nervous, they made me anxious, and most of all they always had the ability to make me feel stupid.... if I allowed myself to become insecure. It is still a small struggle, but much less of one with Christ on my side.

However, this desire for community through summer has unfortunately died out completely and it worries me. In the past six months my spiritual walk has become more personal and isolated. I have progressively moved myself away from situations, and places, which do not feel as comfortable or inviting as they once were. It is not that I am seeking a soft and fuzzy place where my troubles can be bestowed and dealt with more then others, or where I am contacted on a unbreakable streak and loved without end, because that would be selfish. Rather my pondering has lead me to believe that I am not being granted soil to grow and a position to pour into others with the branches this body has been given. The morning dew delivered on my leaves at the early dawn of my Christian walk is piling up, saturating my roots, stunting my rosebuds potential. Most of all it is siting idle, not dropping from my leaves onto the soil and other plants. 

If I am to blossom and drop seeds in another season at my flowers death, then something must change. The change needed is obvious, but its execution remains unclear. I must examine this situation further, prayer and meditate intensely. In the present hour what does the Lord want to do with me? Am I a weed being pushed out by patches of Saint Augustine grass? Or am I rose bush being carefully picked out and prepared for a new garden? Perhaps there is a new garden, and there are people who need for some reason to have me in their life. Perhaps I am a weed and my presence is a menace to the health of this garden.  

It is hard to accept that I am a weed because of the amazing things the Lord has done for me. Why would he treat me so kindly and with such pleasure if I am but a disobedient dandelion? Why would I be allowed to go on a amazing tour for free, with 102 comrades and brothers in Christ. Why would I  speak with a christian congressmen, and sing for other leaders of this country? Why would I travel and observe different churches and their denominations? Why would I be able to visit some of the most beautiful and well known cities in these United States? Most recently, why would I be given $1,500 in scholarship money out of just asking for it?

For these reasons I believe that my faith is in good health. The only unfortunate thing is my satisfaction has set in with a more modern version of community.... the all famous clan/corp connections you make in a mmorpg. I used to play this game before I was walking in the faith, so its not really a step in the right direction. These friendships are shallow, and could never be called a relationship or brotherhood. Most importantly they are not Christian or God fearing! Although this is true, for some reason in the past couple of days they have sustained me... because I am just so desperate. This is the core of all my problems, I shouldn't be desperate in a good garden. Why am I?

This is all very odd. I don't like killing time especially in a way that feels so bellow set standards. The life style this game makes you live is polar opposite to the one I wish to live and the one God is calling me to. But it is something which gives me a large void to throw myself into, my energy and time! Yet the most interesting discovery I have made all year is I love a good community, and it will always be my number one priority - I am a includer, observer, motivator, builder, and value tranquility. Where I can be and have all those things is a good community. Where I am at right now I do not always feel included, I have nobody to observe/motivate/build, and it is not tranquil.

There is segregation by favoritism all caused by a lack in social confidence and my personal quirks people do not care to understand. There is not a level of respect where I am allowed to encourage, or motivate others, because of the first problem. Lastly and of course it is not a tranquil environment because of the first two problems. These problems are causing a slow grinding halt to the plans God has in store for me. They cant become something permanent. After writing and thinking out loud, I do not believe I am a weed, nor do I believe that a new garden is needed. God is just tending to his plants in a none uniform fashion and I have to just trust.

I really look forward to different things God has planned for this summer. I will continue growing, continue maturing, and continue thriving. My mission trip is in three weeks and I am very excited to go! I also cant wait to start Men's Chorale again next year, its been on my mind a lot. There are plenty of doors still open I can walk through, there are plenty of places I can travel, and there are people everywhere which God can form a community with.  He has full control of my life, I will not worry, I will not grow anxious. I will pray. It will all be in God's timing and not mine. God is good, people are weird, and we all need community. :)