Entry Twenty Three: CCV Baptism.

Everyone, if they will admit it or not, have specific reactions to church. Especially when they are new to the idea of church, or are coming back to it (because lets be honest, culture shock exists stronger there then anywhere else. Which is of course expected when you take part in a vast reign of people and some of there problems).

I have specific emotions that deep down, I can always expect to arise. I walk in with fear and shame - expecting comfort, humility - hoping for enlightenment, then finally guilt - from all the supposedly rotten things I have done. For me, probably like others, there are periods when these feelings elevate and dissipate.

For me the worst time comes when they bring out the little pool for people who have not been baptized and for those who feel the need to be re-baptized. Each time they do this, that last emotion just goes crazy. And each time I have to tug at its leach, tell myself I already did it.

I have been baptized by my grandpa a few times, first when I was a baby, then again at 9 when I made the decision to follow christ. Then again at my fathers church when I turned 19 - when I came back to christ. Each time a little peace of me died, but it was always a peace of me that I never wanted to begin with. Of course after doing all this, I buried myself with the idea, the assumption that I was clean, and no longer needed baptism.

But tonight that assumption was challenged, much harder, then it ever was before. When they announced the pool, the guilt began to pour in, but this time he tugged. It was confusing at first because he never did before, I tried reasoning with myself, and him, but it didn't work. He just continued tugging for reasons I did not yet... understand.

My guilt and confusion soon vanished, and anger replaced it. But instead of running away from a battle I knew I wasn't able to win, I flung my arms up and ran towards the source, apart of me kicking and screaming the whole way down.

My inner voice was swearing, and clawing at my subconscious, "sonofabitch, damnit god, I already did this, what more do you want?". That, that is the interesting part, and the point as to why I am writing this, I finally see - there was a tremendous amount of self pride. Another thing that needed to die, thankfully it continues to do so.