Entry Nine: Some acidental damage... (automobile)

I got into a car accident tonight.

I am f&^king pissed, I had such a wonderful day, a marvelous day. I slept in to about 10:00. I got a few messages from my friends, surfed the web, and created my own ring tone - which I believe came out "pro". I met my grandma for breakfast, left to grab something else to eat, came home and watched some tv, did some reading, and then left for class.

Had Safty and human factors (HOW IRONIC? I KNOW!) with Tom. Because he was there I Stayed an extra hour to talk. He is a substitute professor who also works for Delta airlines. Spoke with him about things I was worried about, specifically my private pilot oral exam. That, and future exams. We walked out to his car and he explained to me what he did when taking his ATP exam. He told me the tests are a breeze, he laid them out and explained the process. I left confident, expecting to head home and end the day on a wonderful note.

Then what happens? Well, I started putting together a checklist of things I need to do by the end of the week. I got in my car, pull out of the parking lot, and stopped at a red light. I pick up my phone to finish the list, the light turned green, and I looked up. The two people in front of me begin to roll, the first guy begins his right turn, I look back down to place my phone away, and then almost magically hit the second guy, the person in front of me.

It makes absolutely no sense, there is no logical reason. Why that night, why at all? Its almost like there was no avoiding it, gods work. But why, god didn't turn this into anything good or make it a "useful" trial, didn't "teach me a lesson". For the last month and a half I have been trying so hard to improve who I am. I started going to church none stop, started going to college group, been listening to my bible in the car (audio CD). What more do I have to do in order to get ahead in life?

There was no one on the cross walk, no cars making a left hand turn into the first guys lane, when I glanced at the light it was BRIGHT GREEN. I guess he just stopped due to fear of cameras and obvious idiocy. Its not one of those situations where you say (oh no I could have avoided that), no its like driving down a dark unlit road and hitting a dear, you never saw it coming and there was stopping it from happening.

I admit people make mistakes, we make small mistakes every day. But a good majority of these mistakes never turn into anything major. Maybe I should have never picked up my phone? Then again it was a green light, I cant count the times I grabbed a water bottle, picked up a banana, threw plastic a cup on the floor, or anything else that moved my attention from the road awhile starting to roll at a green light. However in all those incidents nothing ever happened, but for some unholy reason today that had to be different.

The only thing that came from this was a mind trip, doubt, and anger. Nothing good... absolutely nothing good. My father was aggravated - upset/manic. My insurance is probably going to go up. Meaning I may no longer be able to drive. Which means the job I JUST got at Bestbuy is now in jeopardy. My schooling and flight training are also at stake. I no longer can afford to buy christmas presents, but instead get to fix my car that was originally in perfect condition.

This is no small dilemma. It will have and I already is, having a rippling affect far into my future. Because of this I will again be waiting to fly due to cost, I will have less money to spend on food, and I have a small decrease in my chances of being let on at any aviation related company - now due to my driving record. It overall slows down my life, not by a few miles per hour but more like sixty. Does an explanation even exist? My mind is just twirling, I want a real reason as to how something like this can be justified.

Is fate a reality? Does this sort of thing just happen because it can? I spoke with my mom and she tried (in her own way make sense of it) explaining that I just need to have faith in god, and he controls everything. I argued: If thats the case then why the hell did this happen in the first place, what did I do to deserve this? She replied with: You should be thankful you am not dead. I replied: I would much rather be dead, at least this kinda crap doesn't happen in heaven. She became quiet mad and our conversation became an even bigger argument.

It continued with: God should have kept me safe, why did this happen?. She replied with: Tyler god does not control you, nor the man who was turning, or anyone else. I then replied with: Oh, so then I am supposed to be agnostic? At this point she just hung up, but called me a few minutes later to apologize. Just to be clear I am Christian, but I do have some huge doubts about religion. Sometimes I wonder if this realm were in is just one giant social experiment. A SIMS game with never ending complexity, thing to discover, and people to explore.

Is god Bipolar? I have been told and believe he is loving, and that these kinda things can just be tests. A "good" rattling to the foundation of faith. Now, that may sound great to a degree, I can always use some sort of criticism or trial. However I don't think this falls into that category, its more like slow torture. The boy burning ants with a magnifying glass... really comes to mind.

Side Note: This plays no reflection on my spirit... I think this thinking is just circumstantial.... I mean considering what happened.

The only thing I learned is everything seems to be set in stone. You try your best for things to not happen, play it reasonably safe, but shit hits the fan regardless. At the smallest level, the tinniest change can affect your future (like making a checklist). A change so small that you will never detect it. Therefore, it will never be possible to avoid or alter - hence it set in stone.

Complete sanity, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense, it makes no sense!!!!