Entry Three: Structure or freedom?

I had a good discussion with my fathers new girlfriend, "by the way I really like her".


We were talking about the infamous subject of "discipline", not like the generalized idea of discipline, if there is even such a thing, but like regimentation. Her, like my father believe in it. Both have a good reason too, because it has brought them pretty far in life. My father started working at 12 years old, gardening and doing odd jobs around town. He bought his first car, New, at 16 paying full cash. At the age of 21 he graduated with a BA in business, and at 30 finished his Masters. At 35 he was an established partner in a communications consulting firm.

Awhile people were getting out of college and going to Europe for a few weeks, he immediately started working, immediately attempting to climb the cooperate ladder. But this has been his entire life, from early childhood all he did was work. He had few friends and was made fun, becoming very isolated. With the stories he told me, I am still somewhat surprised that he met my mother.

Like him, his new lady friend lived a similar life. She went into real-estate and made a more then satisfactory living off it. She, like my father, is very organized. She called it "programed", and awhile talking to her she explained the benefits of being a "robot" - literally using that word. Let me just say, there is nothing wrong with that, in fact I honor that and wish I could be more like it, but I am more like my mom. The 8% of people who are called "successful" are called that because of one thing, the time they use wisely.

On the other hand, I have my mother, who for the longest time has been my guru of wisdom and all else. She grew up in a missionary home, which as you can probably imagine, is completely different then growing up in a home of business men and self proclaiming company owners. With 3 other siblings, she was raised in Japan. She, and her family also moved quiet often, moving from town to town and village to village. At age 21 she moved back to America "after 21 years in Japan" and attended college, graduating at 23 with a BA in nutrition.

She does not think like the western world, and being very spiritual, all of her trust is in god and things unseen. Where generally people trust things they can only see. Also, being a missionary kid her family was entirely run on donations and blessing. Where my dad gathered by working for it, hard and long hours, like his girlfriend. This whole conversation came about though, with a question of which ways better?

All of her siblings finished college. One brother went to Med-school and is now a very successful surgeon, one became a contractor, and her sister a nurse. Each of them went through similar things, traveled to the same places, and were raised the same way. And for the most part, became successful without being a "robot". This is something that has always confused me.

My mother and father both live great life's, one makes more then the other finically, and one makes more then the other in love. You need both to survive don't you? Being free spirited like the wind, and being programed and organized like a robot. It is discipline that will get you a college degree, a house, or Bmw. But it is grace, love, and a free heart that will give you a loving family, a wonderful child, and a warm home. I just want to be happy, and I don't know which way will bring that about.

Its hard being in the middle of it all. It seems like Im always in that position. Which way is right? Its so frustrating, how can I incorporate both, It feels like Im trying to fuse atoms. Each day I live on this earth, it looks like the line between things becomes more blurred.

I will continue reflecting on this and see what happens... It will play out, life always does.