Entry Six: Concerns at midnight

I Cant sleep. Today went horribly wrong... actually for the past month and a half things have been going horribly wrong.
Side note: Maybe the world is coming to an end, from my observation of others in my age group, this generation is exstreamly "off.

I feel so lonely, its almost unbearable. Generally I am able to deal with solitude, in fact for the most part I prefer it. But of course I always had something or someone to fall back on. The problem is, that foundation is beginning to take on a new shape. I knew death existed, I knew things grew old (like my grandparents), I was very aware that nothing in this realm was permanent. However at the same time I never linked that phenomenon to people, specifically people I loved, and who loved me.

Perhaps I was in pure denial, yes, that makes it all work. When my family died "divorced" at age 10 I was devastated, no traumatized is a better word. I survived but there is no doubt in my mind... that apart of me died, or at least fell into a coma. It is still gone today, actually, I take that back, Its starting to awaken... just... very slowly.

Random statement: You can only kick a dog so many times before he will stop trying to get up.

During the beginning of it all, the first couple of months, my grandparents were the overseers. Thankfully they already raised 4 children, so they knew exactly what to do, and did quiet a good job of taking care of me. They were the first peace in a giant support network I secretly began putting together, actually I cant take credit. I believe god was the one who put it together.

During the middle, about 5 years into all of it, I got a first glimpse of the aging process. I began to very slowly, very subtly, see my grandparents getting old. Well, they were already old, and I was just 15, bursting with spunk, and deviance. Somewhere along that year my focus moved to friends, and people in my own age group. It was somewhat of a barrier, I didn't enjoy seeing the ones I loved change. They were still in my network, they were still family, but contacting them become less and less.

This was also a period where problems became more frequent. For the most part, they were my fault. I figured out were it was rooted - my friends and my choice in friends. But it was a huge growth experience, I never had many friendships at a young age. Much of what the "average" individual would learn... I didn't learn until later. Eight years after the divorce, and 12 years after my childhood.

Meanwhile I was also quiet close to my father. Aside from my grandparents, he was the backbone which kept me standing. I took a little from them, but most from him, and a whatever I could still take from my mother. When our family died, we became quiet close, well more then before. Fortunately ten years passed with only small bumps in our relationship and it continued to thrive.

He also dated much like my mother, but it didn't bother me as much, because everything was still stable. It all remained the same, he still came home at 8:00pm still in bed by 9:00. He still took me to school, and he was still home on weekends. I hate to admit, but my mother wasn't. He was my old reliable, really the biggest constant, and the only constant, at the time. Friends didn't work, grandparents didn't work, but he did.

It has changed. He recently met someone who he really enjoys being around. At first it was very exciting, because I began to see something different. He came home from work upright, and began the next morning with joy. A few weeks ago, for the very first time he was out past midnight. No phone calls, no note, nothing - which for him was very very out of the norm. I stayed up until midnight watching tv, curious where he was. Eventually I fell asleep, but then later woke up feeling as if something "wrong" happened.

As you might be able to imagine, I panicked. Around 4am I called my mother and she rushed over. I began calling hospitals and police departments. Thankfully he wasn't at any of them and around 8am he came home to find me and my mom pacing the kitchen. It lead onto some heated discussion and then "planning" for the future.

That night was the first sign, then came the constant absence on weekends. Its not the end of the world no, but its another shift, another change. Not one thing in this god damn world can ever stay the same, from all the things I have been through, its really beginning to piss me off. I can easily take the dog dieing, I can deal with my car needing a new radiator, twice - "HUGE repair bills", and I can deal with my mother moving 8 times... dragging me along!

I cant deal with the last... single... thread of my foundation, and seed of existence... shifting. Its not because he's my father, its not because I have few friends, Its because he was the only thing that has stayed the same sense my parents split up. I am not exaggerating, he was, the ONLY thing. I feel like just running away to some remote location, buying a rocking chair and listening to some James Taylor. Maybe a log cabin somewhere in Big Bear. Moving all my stuff out, quitting school, and getting a dog... A labrador... dogs don't change.

On the other hand, there is still hope in what will come. With every death there are two lifes. I think its still too early to assume marriage is on its way, or inevitable, but I wouldn't be surprised. For the most part I think it would be a good thing. I normally hate change, and don't enjoy it, but it brings some comfort already knowing it could be a good one. She is a great person and it makes him happy. At least I have hope that good will come about, yes, hope... at least that can swiped away from me.